Why?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:07pm |
Over the past few weeks, my ex (3 1/2 years) seems to keep contacting me in one way or the other. He's called me @ work (and I dont have caller ID), he keeps sending me e-mails(he's made contact with me at least once a week since the breakup whether it be by phone/e-mail...the e-mails have been very short), and I also have a funny feeling that one of his friends keeps in contact with me just so that my ex knows what's going on (I'm not sure on that one).
My ex called me at work last week cause I dropped off some last little bit of his things (he wasn't home at the time). He called me the next morning, and we talked for like 30 minutes, he was basically letting me know what he was up to. He gave me some information on some stuff that he thought I might be interested in, and ask how I was doing and what I was up to and how my family was. That conversation was ok, but it was a little awkward. A week before that he sent an e-mail saying the he missed me. Over this past weekend he sent a short e-mail stating "hope the doggies had fun in the snow"... since it snowed over the weekend. I did not reply to that. He's called me @ work in weeks past(after the breakup) asking about some little things that he knew I could answer. Right now I think I need to maintain silence, and politely blow him off on the phone.
OK so I get the idea that he's using any excuse to contact me. I'm getting to the point where this is getting a little annoying, and I want to be able to move on with my life without him calling me...or trying to get the 411 from his friends. I can understand that he misses me, or maybe he wants to keep me on the back burner..I dunno. Now mind you for the first 3 weeks after the breakup... I was contacting him...and I stopped that ever since. Now he's the one calling/contacting me.
I don't want to ever get back with this guy, but I do love/care about him, and want to be friends down the road...but the likelyhood of that is slim right now. We have been together for so long, I guess it's harder to realize for men than it is for women. I've never made any promises to him, and I've expressed to him that I just needed to move on. I couldn't bring myself to tell him to stop calling/contacting me, but I've kinda left things as they are for now.
My ex is somewhat immature in nature, he hasn't tried to win me back or anything like that, but has said that he missed me. I know in time that will all go away. I don't hate him or anything like that, but am I right to assume that he's just keeping me on the back burner, just to see if that grass is green on the other side, or is there something else I'm missing?
Honestly how long does something like this go on? And does it ever go away? Or will it be a few months before he completely realizes what he lost, breaks down, and starts to talk to me again. I'm just tired, and I wish he would have a real conversation so that this small talk would end. I just want to be able to get over him without him knocking at my door all the time.
Is there something that I can do without completely telling him off? Or do I just not answer his e-mails/IM/and blow him off on the phone calls? Any thoughts.....?

sweatpea79....
PG thinks you're part of the problem!
If you engage in a 30-minute phone conversation, respond to his emails, communicate with others who know the man or act in ANY WAY that will give him the slightest hope that you're still interested...HE'LL CONTINUE TO CONTACT YOU.
.
So the next time he calls....tell him you're busy and have no time to talk! Continue doing this and he'll eventually "get your message!" You don't have to offer any explanations simply because the man is...YOUR EX!!!!
Now if you're looking for a glimmer of hope (aka a reconciliation) and want to continue to encourage him through various long or short conversations...that's a different story! However, you can expect this sort of nonsense to go on FOREVER!
If you truly want something to END WITH ANYBODY, don't give that person the impression that you want to be "just friends!" It's a nice idea, but it doesn't work with everybody!
Pianoguy
I don't see how a simple statement such as "It's too painful for me to be in contact with you right now, so please don't contact me for the time being. I'll contact you when I'm ready" is "telling him off".
That's what I would do...and I'd block his emails as well. You could just not respond and hope he gets the message, but the repeated reminders of him will just impede your recovery, so why not take the bull by the horns and nip it in the bud?
Sheri
PG: Explain this one to me, if he's still interested in me, and trying to see if I'm interested in him... then why can't he be verbal about it? Or is it because he needs time to figure out what's going on in his head(months from now)? He tries to have friendly conversations with me, but doesn't try to say I miss you, love you, etc. Maybe he's keeping that "glimmer of hope" on the back burner...what do you think?
I know that I need to nip this in the bud so to speak. But I'm not looking to get back together with him. He would have to do a complete 180 on that, but I know that's not going to happen. I guess he just doesn't get the point, and maybe I'll just have to completely blow him off for the time being. I like the idea of being friends with him down the road, but obviously I can't see that right now.
I've actually told him that, but not in those words... and something he obviously still hasn't gotten through his head. I guess it may come to that point where I tell him just that. A simple statement sometimes is a lot harder to say. I ended things on a good note, and to a certain extent I want to keep things civil. The sooner I make the choice not to talk to him the sooner I'll be over him.
In retrospect, I'm looking at all of this as a time to learn. The things I need to change, the things I learn about breakups like this, what I go through, and what the stages are. Another thing too is that I may have to cut out those friends that I talk to (who are his friends), I just have this gut feelings that their are conversations being relayed to him.
My feeling is that months from now when I'm just over him, he'll start knocking at my door again, to see if the grass is still green on this side. Hopefully by that time, I will have moved on and be with someone else.
sweatpea79....
PG knows men who can be direct when it comes to making conversation.....and others who will 'skirt around the issue', but never make their point.
So not knowing which 'type' your gentleman friend falls into, I can only speculate!
The man obviously feels comfortable talking to you. . Whether you wish to be viewed as "Mother Theresa" or not is ENTIRELY UP TO YOU?
However...
If you honestly want him to get "the point"---keep your communications with him short! This might take a little time...but if you don't 'encourage communication'----it'll eventually come to an end!
Pianoguy