why is 40 miles long distance for a guy?
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| Thu, 10-06-2005 - 8:27pm |
I'm new to this board (I'm 42)...please help!
I met a guy (he's 40) through an online dating site. We live 40 miles apart; not in the same city, but not very far in my book. We've been emailing and talking on the phone for the past month and have been out twice. We've had a great time together and he always said how much he enjoys being with me...I really like this guy. He has an hour-long commute to and from work. So I've been down to see him both times.
Yesterday I get an email and he wrote that he promised himself he would never do another LDR, but thought he could handle this one, but he cannot. I'm totally blind-sided...he's never said anything about distance being a problem. He did email me later saying that LDRs never work out for people and he wants to date people around where he lives. I kept asking him what is it that he can't 'handle'? We were both at work and couldn't really spend time emailing all day. He said he would be willing to talk about it. So we're talking on the phone tonight. I've been so upset because I really like this guy. This came up totally out of the blue.
So I ask: why does a guy consider 40 miles long distance? or is that just an excuse to dump me?

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<< why does a guy consider 40 miles long distance? or is that just an excuse to dump me?>>
Well, I'm a gal, and though I don't consider 40 miles to be "long distance" ... it's manageable, but it's still a distance that requires a little more planning, etc to see each other and not a lot of spontaneity. So, for me personally, 40 miles would be outside of my dating zone (not to mention, here in LA ... 40 miles is a labyrinth of freeways, traffic ... having to schedule around traffic, etc ... just not "my thing") ... so, 40 miles could vary depending on WHERE you live.
It also may have a lot to do with his work schedule and being able to commit to plans in advance, etc ... again, for me personally, I have an erratic work schedule and I like to "play it by ear" more than planning things out.
So, perhaps he's a little like me in this regard?
However, where I'd differ is that I probably wouldn't even start dating someone who lived outside my "zone" in the first place ... because, what if you end up liking that person, but you know that logistically it wouldn't fit your lifestyle? So, he probably knew this in the back of his mind, but gave it a shot anyway.
I hope your talk goes ok?! I wouldn't take it too personally as an "excuse" ... you know, it's better to know NOW than later, kwim? Before you have TOO much invested.
I don't think it really matters if it's an excuse or the truth. The important thing is, he doesn't want to continue. Accept his decision, and exit gracefully.
Sheri
BS, that's what i can say about it. if you want it, you make it work. this guy didn't want it and things would not have been different if you (or I in my case) lived next door. let's move on and find someone who deserves us.
well I have to say that I agree with the other posters on this as well. It has been my experience twice now is what it means is they want to let you down gently. I was seeing a guy who was 36 miles away, we talked online alot and had the phone conversations etc. we met twice and went out and then one day he just quit answering my e-mails and I wrote him one day and just asked him straight up what was the matter. he answered this one with "long distance relationships never work, and that he would prefer to date women closer" Then gradually he just faded right out of my life. I think men just have a tough time with words, so they try to say something that they think is right but comes up as an opened question rather than the point they really want to convey.
I really hope your talk went well, but if he still stands where he was at the time you wrote this, just bow out gracefully and try your best to move on. Best of luck to you.
Betty
Hi katbert85...
Since the majority of your responses (so far) have come from women, Pianoguy would like to toss in his 2 CENTS and offer a male response.
In my profiles (on match.com and a few others), I've indicated that I prefer to date an attractive woman who lives within a 50 mile radius. . This doesn't mean I'd completely rule out the possibility of seeing someone half way across the continent...or overseas? .
My 'best guess' about the man you were communicating with was that HE WANTED TO BE WITH SOMEBODY IN THE CITY OR TOWN IN WHICH HE LIVES? Men have a preference for this type of woman when they want to do 'spur of the moment' stuff. While 40 miles distance is basically a 45 minute drive to and from your location....it's still 90 minutes of time that has to be accounted for.
If your b/f has a job that starts early in the morning...or if he 'fades out early in the evening' (circa 8 or 9-ish), perhaps the idea of a 45 minute drive back home didn't appeal to him? There's also the possibility that he felt things between the 2 of you were moving TOO QUICKLY? .
So if you've already had your conversation and agreed to "END THINGS"---fine! There's nothing wrong with waiting a week or two...and shooting off a 'friendship snail mail card' to his address with a short 3-word note inside........."I MISS YOU!"
Pianoguy
Thanks to everyone and especially for a guy's point of view.
My friend and I spoke last night. He said he really doesn't know what to do, he's confused and wants a few days to think. He said a buddy told him with all the women on match.com, he should be able to find someone within 10-15 miles of where he lives. I said "but it has to be someone you LIKE." He told me he's tired of it (match.com) and has hidden his profile. (Match.com is where we met) He asked me "wouldn't you prefer to date someone where you live?" I said, "but there HASN'T been anyone where I live" (which is totally true). He asked me if I was continuing to wink at guys on match.com and I told him I haven't since we went out. I've received one wink in the past three weeks and rejected that one and told him about it.
He said he didn't know how I felt until I told him that I had been crying. He told me that he cares about me and doesn't want to string me along. He said it isn't just the driving part, but being able to spend time together. I reminded him that my after-work is flexible and going to his place on weeknights is no big deal for me; I don't have an hour commute each way. He does have his son every Wednesday and every other weekend; I told him from the start that I respect that father-son time. The conversation ended with him saying he needed to sleep on it. He has his son this weekend and they are going out of town.
I'm trying not to get hopeful just because he's thinking about things. Why would he say he's confused and needs time if he doesn't?
Good Luck!
Y'know, I was thinking a lot about this, as it does hit home pretty closely.
I honestly do NOT think he's using the 40-miles as an excuse, as obviously, other men have used. Why? Because sometimes, you think 40 miles isn't such a big deal, until you start dealing with it, THEN you realize, wow, this just sucks. Even if he feels you are worth it, if you haven't dated that long and he's already not liking the distance, it won't matter, cuz you're not committed.
i.e. I took a job, that was 30 miles from my home. No big deal right? that's what I thought, until my commute was 1.5 hours EACH WAY! I loved my job, loved the ppl. But I'd end up crying on the way home, because I'd be so frustrated, and because I just wnated to get home, so I could relax, like other ppl do after work, but I'd be stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Now, you said you'd go out of your way. Honestly, even if I was interested in a guy and he said the same, I'd feel guilty, so I wouldn't allow it. And if I wasn't willing to make that drive at least 1/2 the time, I don't want him to make it more than 3/4 of the time.
Lastly. He said he worries about spending time together. Honesty, that'd be my concern too. Because when you're THAT far away, you don't "just drop by for an hour". Nope, you have to stay for awhile, to make that drive worthwhile.
All I can say is........I am imagining how far 40 miles is for me, and I know for myself, although yes, i may go out on a date with someone that lives that far, I highly highly HIGHLY doubt i'd get involved seriously with someone that far. BECAUSE we couldn't just see each other at a drop of a hat, and all visits MUST be planned, and well, that's an 80 minute drive. WAY too long for me. And trust me, I'd tell the guy, "it's not you, it's the distance" and the only way I'd reconsider is if he or I had plans to move. heck, 25 miles is my radius. So maybe it's not so personal, as you are making it to be.
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