why is 40 miles long distance for a guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
why is 40 miles long distance for a guy?
16
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 8:27pm

I'm new to this board (I'm 42)...please help!
I met a guy (he's 40) through an online dating site. We live 40 miles apart; not in the same city, but not very far in my book. We've been emailing and talking on the phone for the past month and have been out twice. We've had a great time together and he always said how much he enjoys being with me...I really like this guy. He has an hour-long commute to and from work. So I've been down to see him both times.

Yesterday I get an email and he wrote that he promised himself he would never do another LDR, but thought he could handle this one, but he cannot. I'm totally blind-sided...he's never said anything about distance being a problem. He did email me later saying that LDRs never work out for people and he wants to date people around where he lives. I kept asking him what is it that he can't 'handle'? We were both at work and couldn't really spend time emailing all day. He said he would be willing to talk about it. So we're talking on the phone tonight. I've been so upset because I really like this guy. This came up totally out of the blue.

So I ask: why does a guy consider 40 miles long distance? or is that just an excuse to dump me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 4:23am
I'm european so I had to check out how much those 40 miles were in metric system.. you have got to be kidding!! this is not a long-distance relationship, that's basically next door! it's not LD just because you can't actually WALK to see each other. and guy using 40 miles as an excuse is simply not interested enough to make even a tiny effort because of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 10-10-2005 - 4:30pm

I saw your posts. Everyone is different. The reason I wouldn't have anything that far, is because I want a specific lifestyle with my guy. If he lives more than 30 miles away, I can't have that lifestyle.

For me, my lifestyle is important. Being close to my family is important. The fact that I've lived here all my life...and love it here, is important. Is it more important that The One and moving. Actually, yes it is.

I married a man a state away. I was going to move. Had no qualms about moving. We got divorced instead. After that, I realized....I loved where I am. I may have fallen in love with where I lived, but I would've been very homesick. And where I live....50 miles, is the difference between beach living and desert/mountain/city living. Two very different lifestyles.

Hey, I want what I want...and if he truly is The One, he'd move to be with me. Otherwise, he's not the one, because moving is a dealbreaker for me. Love doesn't conquer much. It just helps you along. And I know love wouldn't be enough to make me COMPLETELY happy, if I had to live 50 or more miles from where I live now. And why should I not be completely happy? So, me being involved with someone 50+ miles away, is me settling. And I wont do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 6:32am

shows again how different people are. I actually moved to a different country because of a man, but didn't think it was such a big deal. maybe cause moving in general isn't, I have lived and studied in other countries before (and I'm not talking about states, but totally different countries with different culture and languages). but if somebody says that they would never move, not even a few miles, I guess that's the way they feel and have of course the right to do so.

back to the original question, I guess then that 40 miles for some people is a dealbreaker and they would dump their perfect partner because of that. on the other hand, they wouldn't even start anything with someone not living next door, would they? this guy knew the circumstances, so if 40 miles is really that big deal for him, why did he mess you about anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:19am

My two cents. Maybe he really liked her, but didn't realize how much 40 miles TRULY was to him.

Also, I had to say one thing. You keep referring to the "perfect partner" who lives miles away. The difference in the way YOU think and OTHERS, is this. If he was PERFECT, he wouldn't LIVE that far. So, no person, would ever be a "perfect partner" if the other person wouldn't date someone that lived far. So you'd normally, never get to the point of "my perfect partner lives far away".

BTW, I had to laugh when you say, "living next door" because, after my LDM (marriage, not r'ship), I didn't want to date anyone who lived THAT far again (800 miles is far enough for me), the next guy I dated, just HAPPENED to live 8 houses away (I live in the suburbs, that's like a 3 minute walk, if that). lol. Talk about NEXT DOOR!

I honestly think the guy in question, enjoyed chatting with her online, and on the phone, but when it came down to actually MAKING time for the 40 mile drive, and dealing with that on a normal daily basis, he realized that he really didn't like it. After seeing my xh only once a month, I vowed NEVER to have a r'ship like that. I like to see my guy at LEAST a few times a week, and pretty much, I got spoiled having a guy that lives down the street, because I can just stop by his house on my way home. Say hi, maybe relax for 20 mins with him, and then go home, and it didn't just take 2 hours out of my life. It took, NOTHING out of my life to see him.

I think, he just had a change of heart when reality set in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 5:47pm

I also wondered why he got involved if 40 miles was too far...but your point about him not being aware of just how far 40 miles is is quite valid. He could have been like: I like this girl and I'll give it a chance. But when the distances actually started to be navigated, he found that it was more chore than pleasure.

I also agree that finding a local person is a lifestyle choice. While for me it's not about not wanting to leave my area...it's about all that wasted time travelling. I live in a capital city, so 40 miles would mean about an hour twenty of horrible traffic each way. I'd much prefer to spend two hours forty doing something much more pleasant than fighting traffic. I'd prefer to spend it with my loved one. Or doing hobbies. Anything other than being in traffic!!

I can also say that I would almost certainly cheat in a LDR. If my lover is not easily available, I'll start to get antsy and find someone who is more convenient. This is a very good reason for me not being willing to have a LDR in the first place. I know my limitiations.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 8:48am

I've skimmed some of the other posts and I'd have to say I think it could easily go either way. The thing is the end result is the same no matter how he got there: he doesn't want to see you any more.

I know it sucks and it's blow to the old ego, but that's just part of dating and what we have to endure to eventually find someone who is right for us. Best to just start accepting that now.

As far as the 40 mile thing goes, to me that IS long distance. I live in Atlanta and I met my husband online. When I was put in search criteria I used 15 miles as a criteria. I wanted to find someone I could actually date and see on a regular bais not a pen pal. I wanted someone I could call up on a night I was bored and say, "Hey, you want to go grab a bite to eat."

I wouldn't even date guys that lived in the Atlanta area if the area they lived in was more then a 30-40 minute drive. Just to give you persepective on that I live 10 miles from where I work and it takes me 30 minutes to get there in the morning.

I know some people are able to make LDRs work but they just aren't for me and while I wouldn't 40 miles may not be a "long distance", eating up 2 hours just to get to and from a date sure would have been too much of a pain in the butt for me.

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