Why am I still not over her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
Why am I still not over her?
9
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 2:31pm

We were together for 3 yrs. We've been broken a year and a few months. We broke up because our relationship goal wasn't the same, she wanted full on commitment, I wasn't ready yet. We're only in our early 20's. We were eachother's first loves, and just about eachother's first everything. I wanted what she wanted, but just not yet-we even exchanged rings. Eventually, we had a huge falling out..I did some stupid things, the more she pushed for the commitment the more I backed away from the relationship. I was scared.

We finally broke it off for good...after the huge falling out...within a month she was already with someone new. I was heartbroken. I felt like our 3 years had been washed down the drain. I also felt like she had found a replacement for me. We were the best of friends and I felt like it was all taken away from me. We didn't talk really for months, I would try to contact her, and she would give me mixed signals-would come on strong, then back off. I actually didn't know she was in the new relationship until 4 months after they were together. The times that we would talk, I would talk about getting back togther-and she would never chime in with "I'm in a relationship." I eventually found out through friends, then she finally told her when I asked her pointblank.

Fastforward.

We hadn't talked for months, then she contacted me. I knew it was trouble from the start. When does friendship ever work with an ex? Well it defnitely didn't in this case. There were way too many feelings involved, even 6 months after the break up. Her and her gf were having problems, I consoled her...advised her, helped her out. She gave out a lot of mixed signals. I am sure I gave out my share as well. She would flirt with me, tell me how perfect we would be if we got back together etc etc...you get the idea. I finally had to back off-I knew how friendship would eventually reach it's expiration date. I tried backing off several times, and she would always contact me, and tell me that she missed me and I would fall back in. However, this time I knew I needed to do it for good, and stick to my guns. When things starting working out again for her and her girlfriend-it was easier for her to accept-which isn't really a surprise. We still talk once in awhile, but now I feel like I've been replaced once again.

I was doing really well, then backtracked when I opted for friendship with her; even though I knew it was inevitable that is wasn't gonna work out. Still, I was hopeful-and I wasn't ready to let go, and neither was she.

It's weird though-even through all the BS we went through, I still miss her, a lot. I sort of feel like I am losing my best friend all over again. However, a part of me feels like I should've accepted this whole situation and moved on. It's been over a yr after all since the initial breakup. So I guess my question is, after all of this time, why am I still not over her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:05pm

Because you keep getting back in contact with her before you're fully healed. You need to cut off all contact until you are completley, 100% over it. Which means not answering her calls and blocking her email address.

*Hugs* It took me a long time too to get over my boyfriend of 2 years. But it does get better with more time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:06pm
Maybe it's more the "idea" of a relationship (and what could have been) than it is the actual person?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:25pm
MAybe you can' get over her because what you had was true! Of course you can live without her and if you cut off all contacts you will heal. People adapt to their surroundings BUT sometimes you don't want to adapt and you need to ask yourself why! Does she want to be with you? Are you know ready to be 100% Sometimes things can be fixed instead of walked away from. That's my opinion! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 5:00pm

<< So I guess my question is, after all of this time, why am I still not over her?>>

Because you never really gave each other time to "detach" and get over the feelings involved. Yes, friendship between ex's is possible, but it takes a lot of emotional maturity and allowing one another to get past the "feelings" and onto the premise of friendship which is "I value this person and want this person in my life, not because of what WAS, but because of what is NOW" ... because you value them as a person, as a friend. But, if you full well know that you're trying to force a friendship out of resistance of "losing this person" in your life ... with the hopes of "maybe it will work out again" ... then, you're better off keeping your distance and giving it time.

The emotional maturity part of it that I mentioned is the ability to spend time with that person and not "rehash" it or share those "I miss you's" etc ... those are the things that get one pulled back into the emotions and feelings ... the "mixed signals" ... so, you have to be emotionally mature enough to say "I need to distance myself from this until I know I can I do so without wanting to 'go there.'"

Are you both unattached at the moment? If so, perhaps there is a chance that you can resume a friendship and explore this ... but, ONLY if you KNOW that you are ready and willing to offer her what she wanted back when you were together. If not, don't go there, k?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:20am

First of all...thanks guys for all of the replies, I really appreciate it.

Second...there were a few questions...I can't remember by who...but I will just answer them.

Someone asked what she wanted, of if she wanted to work on things? I think it's pretty much over...she is back in her relationship...and I am on to other things, and seeing someone myself now. If this develops into something more, I want to make it work...I think I deserve real happiness...I am just taking it slow. I think if the circumstances were different, we might be back together...but you know what they say, timing is everything and now and not the time for us...our time may be over for all I know..I try not to dwell on that...I am just trying to accept and put it behind me, that is my biggest challenge.

Are we unattached? No, not yet...we actually just talked yesterday. We will talk via email, and on msn msgner..she tried calling me last week, but I didn't call her back. I didn't want to get back into talking on the phone. I wonder if detaching myself completely is the best solution. We have cut it down drastically...we used to talk everyday...now I think we're down to once...maybe twice a week. I don't mind talking about surface things with her...but I feel like there is always this underlying tension that exists..and we purposely try to avoid talking about the ppl we are with...she always told me she hated the idea of me being with someone else...which I think it sort of unfair considering I would never dare say something like that to her, she tells me she wants me to be truly happy, then she obsesses over my new relationships, while I respect hers...I think she sort of wants to have her cake and eat it too..have me in the backround for a safety net, in case it doesn't work out...but have her right there. I am just not fit to play that role...it's unfair...and I not one to play 2nd fiddle, that is why I try to distance myself more and more...but sometimes I wonder if it's just better to rip off the bandaid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 8:57am

You say you'd don't want to play second fiddle, but you're making the girl you're with play second fiddle to your ex. And does she even know? Does your girlfriend know how much you're communicating with your ex? And does she know things aren't completely platonic?

I don't think it's fair to her (your girlfriend) for you to be in constant communication with your ex, when you're not over your ex. And it certainly isn't fair if she doesn't know and so can't make a choice of whether staying with you in these circumstances is worth it.

You either need to turn to the present/future and cut all ties with the ex, or you should fully disclose to your current girlfriend about your inability to let go of your ex, so she can decide whether she wants to stay with you. It's not fair to your girlfriend -- or to you -- to keep straddling the past and the present.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2005
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 9:19am
I guess I should clarify some more. I don't have a second girlfriend..I am just seeing someone...and I am not sure how it is going to go. Also, she is filled in on everything. I only communicate with my ex 1 maybe 2 days a week if that, this is usually through email or for a few minutes on msn msgner...so no...we're not in constant contact. I wouldn't get into a relationship right now with everything that is going on, and the new girl I am seeing knows that but is willing to take things slow. I am definetly not messing with anyones head here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:31pm

Okay, good to know. But I still think you're going to have to make a decision whether to hold on to the past or to let go and start living in the present. With your feelings, I don't see how you can live in the present and maintain contact with your ex.

If you don't want to lose your ex, perhaps you should tell her you want to make another, hoenst go of it, and ask her to stop seeing anyone but you. (And you would stop seeing anyone but her). Then give it a full-on, 110% effort try.

But if she's not willing to do that, then I think staying in touch with her only hurts yourself.

*hugs* I know it's not easy and it's easier said than done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 12:37pm
If you feel that it is truly over and that the timing is off then by all means cut contact. I mean what's the point? I thought you wanted to work things out with your ex which is why I was like to go for it but if she is involved and you are as well then whats the point. People serve a season/reason. Best of luck!