why is breaking up so hard - any advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
why is breaking up so hard - any advice
5
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 9:55am

Hi all

I'm new to the site and must say how much it has helped. any advice would be very much appreciated.

I think the problem is I seem to attract the same sort of men time and time again !!! I know they are not right for me but I refuse to let go and constantly blame myself.

Has anyone ever been in a emotional abusive /manipulating/ controlling relationship. I think I have just come out of one and feel totally depressed and upset at myself about his
behaviour and how he treated me. I can honestly say he never hit me or threw things round etc but I feel that he was very clever with his choice of words and would always turn it round so in the end I always felt like I was in the wrong. He said I just wanted my own way all the time !!! even now I have come out of it and been strong but do wonder was it me. I generally think I am a nice loving person and just don't understand why it never works out with someone.

Would like advice from anyone who has been in a similar sort of relationship please.

My head is a mess and feel so low and again thats what really upsets me coz I'm usually a confident outgoing person.

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:49am
I think although it's hard to admit, many of us have been in these type of relationships. Falling for men who don't fall for us. It's partly because we've been conditioned to feel as if we're not complete if we don't have a man in our lives. As a result we stay in relationships because we feel as if it's better to be with someone than to be alone. This is also a case of low self-esteem. Yes, we don't always find out how much of a jerk guy is until later on in a relationship, but the decision to stay isn't about them it's about us. It's clear that you don't believe that you deserve better. Until you realize that you have a lot to offer a man, then you won't ever find the type of relationship you want. You don't need a man's validation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 5:56pm

If you keep picking the same type of wrong for you guy I'm going to guess that you are doing so for a reason. It's not a fluke or coincidence.

There's a new self help book out that you might find of particular interest. It's called BAD CHILDHOOD, GOOD LIFE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 9:53am

Ya know you live and you learn. Trust me breaking up is always hard, I've been broken up with and I just recently broke up with my ex...it sucks. But you need to understand a few things, think about how your ex treated you, how he made you feel, and the things he did that you put up with for so long...do you really want to go back to that crap? I made that choice, and had enough with the childish behavior of my ex. I know now that I need someone older, and more stable...just like me. Go out with your friends, do stuff to keep your mind off of him, focus on keeping busy, in time he'll go away. For me, just keeping busy is the hard part.

In order to be a good mate to someone, you need to first learn to know and love yourself. You also need someone to be established in life professionally, and someone who's just stable and on your level. Stop hating yourself for something that a manipulative ex says...100% of the time when he throws crap on you...it's him. Always trust your instinct, cause it's almost always right. You can't be with someone who's moving in another direction in life, it just doesn't work...it didn't for me. But then again I knew a long time ago that he wouldn't change and we wouldn't be together. I try and look at it like this, if it was meant to be with my ex, it will be, but for now I hope he learns from this just as I have. Walk away from a RL knowing that you did all that you could, and learn from things, and work on finding someone who's right for you.

If he truely loves you, he'll try and make it work. But don't waste your energy and time into something that only becomes negative and hurtful, you are a better person than him, and he's not worth having in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:16pm

sweetpea 79

Thanks so much for your advice. I do feel much better today - somedays feel good and others feel bad and yes your right i have to focus on the negative with my ex and from day one gut instinct was telling me was not right. I really have to start getting out sooner. started to arrange and plan loads of stuff today and yes I do feel better for doing that - just want to start feeling happy being on my own again. I think when you first split up with someone you just crave for that affection ( or whatever it is ). Anyway decided no more contact with him and I am sticking to my decision.

Keep me posted how your getting on please. Thank you

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:02pm

It has really helped me to see other people having problems, knowing that I've been there, and it helps me get through. With me time will help, and I got an account on match.com, and met a few guys through there. Meeting new guys and hanging out with friends helps...maybe this new guy will help me to move on and forget about my ex. Time will tell. Yeah it's always rough the first few weeks and months afterwards. He's told me that he never stopped loving me, he misses the good time we share together, and that he wants me to be happy. All and all he feels the same way I do, for the most part. We agree that we are 2 different people going in 2 different directions, but with him...I was sick and tired of the immature BS, doing what he want when he wanted and not including me in it. I needed to take back my life, and not being worrying or stressed out all the time.

He craves that affection just as much, probabily more so than me, and I know he will come to the realization that he f**ked up, and I was the best thing that ever happened to him and want me back, hopefully by that time I will have moved on to someone who can act like a man and not a little boy.

So as he's off of my cell phone plan, I'm done talking to him...until I'm ready to buy a house later on this year (he does real estate). Maybe if there's a chance by that time, we can talk and be sorta friends. We shall see.

Keep your head up, and know there's better things out there, keep all of the stuff that reminds you of him out of your life until you can feel good about it...look back and laugh..Let me know how your doing to girl!!!!