Why do I miss him if he's not the one ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Why do I miss him if he's not the one ?
7
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 10:37am

This guy that I had been seeing for almost three months, broke up with me on my birthday, says he is not into me as much as I was into him. That was June 4th, he is already with someone else. He tells me he didn't leave me because of her, but because he thought it was the right thing to do if he was not in love with me. That's fair.

Deep down, I know he was probably not the perfect match for me, there were many red flags, this early on in the relationship that is not a good thing right..

Then why does it hurt still? Why do I miss him and can't help but think of his sweet side & the good things we had? Why do I miss his presence? Is it just bruised ego on my part? Is it because I was 'addicted' to the closeness? Help!

ps red flags included being 1) rather cheap, and still living in an in-law suite at 45 (a bit scary) 2) Vain / Narcissistic 3) Had cheated on his wife 4) Never had a long term relationship other than his wife at 45 (3 years at the most I think, and he cheated on her most of that time), etc. But for some reason I felt people do change. Can anyone help me make some sense of why I still hurt and miss this guy? Can anyone help me see the light & totally turn the page?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 10:53am

You asked:

Steffy
CO-cl of Is It Meant to Be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 11:00am

Wow, that's a pretty substaintial list of red flags! I think you should probably be glad that you are no longer involved with this man because, by age 45, his patterns are pretty much set and it is very unlikely that he will change his ways. That said, I'm sorry you're feeling bad, and I understand that it still hurts. I think you just need to give it time, its only been a few days! I had an ex break up with me, and even though I knew our relationship had no long term potential, I was still really upset and sad. That's normal. I think the best thing to do is cut off contact with this guy, because continuing to see him even as friends will make it take that much longer for you to get over him and move on. I know this from experience, the man I dated for 3 months took me almost a year to get over because we continued to see one another; whereas when my boyfriend of three years (and fiancee) broke up, I was over it in less than 6 months because I never saw or talked to him.

Just don't worry so much... it is totally natural and normal to feel loss when a relationship ends, even when you know it wasn't the best relationship. Just do what you can to move forward with your life and soon enough you won't be sorry at all that the relationship ended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:29pm

I'd have to agree. When I got divorced, I called to tell him it was over (we were LDR), but he got to it first, so in the end, it was HIM who ended it, and well, I was DEVASTATED. Had I said it first, I wouldn't have hurt AS bad.

So, it's still rejection, no matter how much you try to rationalize it. It hurts. Let it hurt, it's natural and okay.

Also, I would learn from this experience. He had a lot of red flags, that I don't ever recall you telling us about. However, you still felt he could change. It's obvious now, of course, that he hasn't. I hope you're more wary the next time around. It's fair to give a guy a chance, but the flags you posted about, are HUGE ones.

I try to LEARN from things, so it won't hurt so much.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 12:57pm

Thanks everyone..

Steffy: Yes you are right, being rejected does hurt. And I know that it is rejection, I am very much aware of it, consciously as well as unconsciously. I agree that chances are in the near future I will see the bright side and realize it was all for the best. I want so much more, for one, a man I don't have to constantly wonder if he's gonna stay with me or not. Thanks, you made me feel better.

Nikita - yes it is a substantial list all right. Love is blind. Or should I say infatuation? I have no intention of continuing the relationship as friends, I have never believed in that. Once you have been lovers, that is it. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Pineapple - I hear ya. Like you say, if I had done the dumping, it might hurt a bit because of the attachment I had developed for him, but there wouldn't be that endless questioning of 'why' 'was I not good enough' etc. I know I didn't express all the red flags in my earlier post, that is because I had chosen to ignore them, and try to focus on his good sides. He did have some after all, everyone does. But yeah, they are big flags I know. I definitely had my blinders on, all the way. Thanks for your encouragement.

Rapunzele

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:11am

Rapunzele, because you were in a relationship with him and you are still in love with him.

But, are you crazy? He's already with another girl and he broke up with you on July 4th, and on your bithday at that!!! THIS GUY IS A TOTAL JERK.

Not only that, but he cheated on his wife. Do you really want a relationship with someone like this? Do you really want someone like this involved in your son's life (I think you said you had a son)?. Please get a grip and don't spend any more of your precious time thinking about this creep. Be glad he's gone, he would have cheated on you too. Move on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:14am
No you are right, he is not a 'prize'. I just wish I could forget about him and not get sick to my stomach everytime I see or think I see him, or drive by his area, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 9:19am

And yeah I have a kid but it's a daughter, 16 yrs old. She thought he was a bit vain and show off, and it bugged her when she'd get home and he'd be on the deck sunbathing.

Yeah he was always at my place - I thought for sure next step he would move in with me, that's how misleading he was. He was very present, affectionate and all. That's why I don,t understand.