Why Won't He Commit?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Why Won't He Commit?
7
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 10:11pm

I have a situation that is really starting to bother me. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I am still in college- he has already graduated. I have about a year left. About 6 months ago, my family moved about 600 miles away from where my boyfriend lives now. I go to college about 6 hours from where he lives. We have a great relationship- we are eachothers best friend.

My boyfriend is almost 30, and still lives with his parents. He is very "well-off" and has a job 3 days a week that is just there to "keep him busy." He hardly ever comes to visit me at school- and it is really hard for me to go see him- considering he lives with his parents. It's very uncomfortable for me to go see him and spend time with him while his parents are in the next room over. He can never come see me because his parents always have something for him to do for them on the weekends. They make it impossible for him to visit me. For example, he couldn't come for my birthday because he had to watch his parent's dog while they were on vacation.

His parents are moving to Florida- and they are keeping their house where they live now. They want him to live at the house and take care of it while they are in Florida all year round. He has no desire to be on his own. I asked him why he doesn't get his own place, but he says he has no desire to live in an apartment when he can be comfortable at his parent's house.

Anyway, I had a talk with him very recently about our future. I told him that I am going to be done with college soon, and I'd kind of like to know where our relationship is going. I really do not want to waste my time with someone who is going to string me along. Something very similar happened to my sister, and I do not want to be in the same boat as her.

I made it a point to not be pushy or nagging; I simply just wanted to get some insight as to what might lie ahead for us. I also told him that this summer I don't want to live with my parents, I'd rather spend the summer with him so I don't have to get on a plane every couple of weeks to see him. He said I could stay in the extra bedroom next to his parents room for the whole summer.

For the past 3 years he has told me that I am the girl he wants to marry, and he wants to be with me forever. He says it all the time. Once he even told me that the day I graduate from college he is going to ask me to marry him. After what happened, I don't know if he was joking around or not.

Yet when I talked to him about this, he got extremely mad at me. I told him that I just wanted some sort of reassurance from him that we would be together and not live so far away when I am finished. He told me that he doesn't want to think about this now and he won't want to for a while. He did say that he does want to be with me and that's all I need to know.

I don't understand why he got so furious at me about this? Did I do something wrong- are you not supposed to ask these things? I don't understand why he says all these things about marrying me and being with me- then the next minute he's saying that he doesn't want to think about it. I feel like he should be the one asking me the questions since he has always been so vocal about marriage. I don't know what to do- he seems so incredibly attached to his parents.

Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:22am

The first thing you need to remember as you're sorting through this is that you're having these feelings for a reason. It's your gut telling you that something's not right. When it comes to long-term relationships and marriage talk, yes, you have every right to ask questions. You're going to be in a transition period after you graduate and it's completely understandable that you want a direction for your life.

A lot of people might tell you to wait and see if he proposes at graduation or live with him for the summer and see how things go. Those both may be perfectly good options but only if you want to be with him. Is marrying a guy that's not willing to move out of his parents house at the age of 30 something you want? He just has a job to "keep busy" but doesn't have any other real goals? Meanwhile, you've spent the last few years getting an education and a direction for your life. Do the two of you even have similar goals for your future? It doesn't matter if someone wants to be a rocket scientist or a lawn mower, as long as they take their life seriously and they have similar goals to yours, you can make it work.

Another point is that you've been with him for 4 years. You know him well enough by now to know his habits and patterns. In addition, this hasn't given you much time to develop a perspective on the world without his influence. I'm not saying he's controlled what you believe, I'm just saying you've only seen things through the eyes of a person in a relationship. This is fine, but if it's causing you to make a decision that isn't based on your ultimate happiness, you do have a problem.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:32am

Whoa!!!!! I remember your posts from the UOS board...are you saying you got back together with the abusive guy and now you want to push him for marriage????

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????

He got furious because he is ABUSIVE and that's what abusive men do!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:52am
My posts from the UOS boards? are you sure you're thinking of the right person?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:58am

Oh Ok I just searched under my name and saw the post. My friend at college was having those problems with her boyfriend, so I turned her on to these boards. We used my name to post and get advice. That situation was not mine- she actually ended up breaking it off with that guy about a year ago.

Believe me, if a guy ever said those things to me- that would be IT! So, no, please ignore that post- that situation has nothing to do with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:10pm

Sheri,

I came here about advice for my situation. I am very sorry that I am not the only one who posts under rr46. If a friend is having a problem- I am usually the one they come to. And since many people read these boards, posting seems like a very good option. When I posted, I did not think that someone would search under my user name and bring up posts from who knows when.

I am not asking for advice about things that were posted- I am asking for advice on THIS current situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:38pm

Based upon all you shared, I wouldn't want to be with a man who handles communication issues so poorly nor would I want to be with a man who's living at home with mom and pop without saving to buy his own home or saving towards the future. But that's me.

Obviously, he's not treating you the way you want to be treated, and that's what I think you should be focusing on right now. If this is happening now and the two of you aren't even married yet, how much worse will things be after you're married? When there are important issues you want to discuss, will he just automatically shut you down and refuse to listen with an open heart? I don't know about you, but that's not an attractive or desirable attribute that I'd want in a future or even present SO. One thing that's important to me is knowing I can talk with my SO about anything whenever I need to AND know that he'll listen as opposed to trying to shut me down.

One other thing -- he has no desire to get out on his own. So let's say he proposes the day you graduate from college. Where will the two of you live after your wedding day? With his mom and dad? Will he begrudge you if you say you want to buy a house together and live elsewhere? And even if he does propose, it is still NO GUARANTEE that the two of you will actually get married. He could propose and the two of you be engaged for years and years (unless you put your foot down and insist on setting a date).

I believe you have more weightier matters to consider beyond just getting married and having a future with him.

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:11am

I agree with the other posters... are you REALLY sure this is the guy for you?

It's only natural for us to be in a marrying mind set during our twenties. I was. I had it all planned I'd graduate around 23, get married, go on to finish my masters, find a great job, buy a great house, get a dog, and start thinking about starting the perfect little suburban family.

I even got engaged to my high school sweetheart at about 23. I decided not to go to grad school and a couple months later I decided not to marry my high school sweetheart. I loved him and he loved me too. He was a good guy, my best friend. There wasn't anything "wrong" with him per se; but, when I was really honest, he wasn't the guy for me either. We just weren't compatible. We didn't fight a lot, but he just didn't get me and our priorities were changing and growing apart at a rapid rate. He got a summer job away from me and it slowly became more and more clear what I had to do.

A few years later I had my quarter life crisis. I was about 25, living at home. I discovered I hated working in a lab which is where my degree pointed me out of college. I wasn't married, heck, I wasn't even in love. In short I spent about six months to a year thinking that life, more or less, sucked and I was a big fat loser.

Then I realized that this was the 90s. And in the 90s women could pretty much do and be anything. The sexual revolution had occured and I was no longer a dirty slut for having slept with more then one guy before getting married. I was still young and pretty cute. I had TONS of time to get all those things I thought I'd have by 25, it just wasn't going to happen according to my original time schedule.

From about 25-32 I really came into my own and figured out a LOT of important life stuff. I had two serious relationships during that time. One was great the other sucked. But I learned so much from both. I thought maybe the good one would lead to marriage but it wasn't in the cards and looking back I can see we really weren't compatible either. Funny how love and compatibaility have ABSOULTELY NOTHING to do with each other.

Then at 32 I meet my future husband online. I was kind of fed up with dating. I had a great life and wonderful group of friends and family to share it with. I wanted to find someone to share it with forever, but I wasn't going to settle just so I could get married. I also still wanted to have a sex life without having to sleep around. So I went looking for an FWB and found sooooo much more then I expected.

I found my husband, a guy who like me was fed up with dating and was happy on his own and happy and whole and emotionally stable. A guy who really knew he was and who he wanted to be. We got through problems the same way. We didn't like all the same things or have the all same goals but we think alike and we prioritize our lives the same way. In retrospect I think compatible has more ot do with approaching life and problems the same and having the same priorities, not having the same goals. Very different goals can still be compatible if the two people involved prioritize things the same way. You see we put people and happiness first above anything else. If a goal interfers with our happiness or the happiness of the people we love then as far as we are concerned it's time to change goals.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Don't get caught in the twenty-something trap. Don't think you have to have the picture perfect life all mapped out and going at full-blast by 25. Don't think that just becasue you want to get married and you want to find someone to share your life with that THIS is the right guy to do that with. It's ENTRIELY possible it's the right time and the wrong guy. When you're ready the right guy will come along at the right time.

Until then enjoy the ride, enjoy falling in love, enjoy dating. Don't devalue a relationship just because it doesn't lead to marriage. It's still love and it still counts. It still teaches you and brings you closer to finding a love that can last a lifetime.

Don't try to shoehorn every relationship you have into marriage. Sometimes the only purpose a relationship is meant to serve is to be a place to learn and grow. It's easy to forget that with the emphasis society places on marriage. But don't YOU lose sight of it and don't YOU settle for something that doesn't feel just right, just so you can meet a time line or some societal norm.

You do what feels right to you.

Oh and to answer your quetsion, he wont commit because it doesn't feel right to him. Though the better question to ask is, does it really feel right to you?