Will you offer your 2 cents?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Will you offer your 2 cents?
10
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 10:53pm

Hi all!

I've posted before but it's been awhile. I am trying desperately to make a decision and I can't seem to stick with it one way or the other.

Quick overview: I've been dating a guy for 8 years (he is now 36 and I am 29). He is without a doubt my best friend whom I can tell ANYTHING to and know he will still love me. I had a little relationship 2 years ago that was no good for me but fulfilled my fantasy of "true love" and was very sexually fulfilling. My relationship with my boyfriend tends to feel more like a marriage that is 8 years into it and emotionally and sexually the passion is nil. We are more or less best friends who occasionally "have sex" and most of the time I feel unsatisfied - in and out of the bedroom. (while I realize there are ways to better both situations - I'm not sure after 8 years either one of us are up for the rigmarole!)

I've been a member of match.com for a few months now and have "talked" to a few guys over the last few years and I'm pretty discouraged when I see what is out there to pick from. The "quality" I've found has been less than stellar and it is then that I really see the value in the man I've carried on with the last 8 years.

Is it realistic to consider marriage to a man I'm not emotionally or physically excited by? While we are amazing together - we laugh and have the BEST time with each other - we care about each other and have loads of memories made and enjoy making more. He truly is someone special in my life. But is he marriage material?

Any help is GREATLY appreciated! Questions are welcome to help with advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 3:59pm

That's a tough situation. Personally, I don't think I could be in a marriage that was not passionate; however, I think there are a lot of things that can be done to restore passion in a relationship. Have you already tried doing things to make your relationship more passionate? Have you talked to him about the lack of passion? Maybe you could talk to a sex therapist and see what they recommend?

I think that it would be unfortunate to enter into a marriage and just accept that there is no passion and do nothing to change that. Likewise, I personally don't think I could walk away from an otherwise perfect relationship. I think if it were me I would talk to him and see how he feels about things before making a decision one way or the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 1:11am

I can definitely relate. Someone once told me that you're not "LIVING" life if you're always on the safe side. I was afraid to get out of my comfort zone and take new risks that can definitely be quite catastrophic to the heart. What to do? What to do?

To answer your question on if it's realistic to consider marriage to a man you're not emotionally or physically excited by... Few questions:

First of, do you feel you need to get married just because you've been together for so long? Why do you want to get married? What's your definition of marriage?

Here's my opinion: I believe in laughter being a key ingredient to a long lasting relationship. With this man, you have the friendship, laughter, compatibility, etc. Now, is that enough? Are those qualities high on your list or are there other qualities that matter more to you? If this man has the main qualities you want and couple areas being so-so, weigh them out and see if they're workable enough that you can actually take your relationship to the next level. For example, if sex is not all that great, don't break it off just because of that. There's sex therapy available as a workaround to such situation; there are adult toys even.

If you solely go by your heart, emotions and physical attraction, you're setting yourself up to cardiac arrest especially if this is all there is to your "fantasy guy". You'll be fulfilled only for a moment and that's just it... a moment. Will you be content in living your life a GOOD moment at a time? This would mean getting that sexual fulfillment and a moment of being emotionally high but deep down, there's really nothing to the relationship. This kind of relationship is definitely NOT for marriage; you'll be better of being friends with benefits. Otherwise, you'll suffer heartaches more often than not.

Dangit! Why can't we just have it all? Fulfilling sex with a fabulous guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 2:04pm

Why are on match.com if you're seriously dating someone for 8 years? That would be my first question to you. I however, can understand why you are...you wanna see what's out there and see if they're a better catch than what you've had for 8 years. The unfortunate response is that there aren't many "good and lasting catches" out there -in the online world- for what you're looking for. Eight years of dating have sent you both to a "boring marriage". You want excitment and sexual stimulation and you don't find them with your BF. Perhaps, the doubt is getting to you...what if I leave this safe man, who is boring but loves me, for a man who is sexualy challenging, exciting and such, BUT who may not last?...The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence....

If you care for your long time BF and want to see if things change, why no come clean with him regarding all your sexual frustrations and such and go with him to couples counseling? It is possible that he feels the same way, you know? For the time being I'd quit the looking around for some more excitment and focus on your relationship. If it can be saved good, if not then move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 6:59pm

thank you for your response.

I posted this scenario on a number of different Ivillage boards to get more than one viewpoint and it blows my mind how many say "talk to him about this" ummm after 8 years of being with the guy don't you imagine I felt comfortable enough to talk to him?

Don't you imagine I've not only talked to exhaustion but also tried as many different "ways" to get through to him? I’ve tried EVERYTHING I can think of. and he HAS gone to therapy with me (I was in therapy for ME and wanted my T to see things from his perspective) and while she agreed that he is a good person and could see all the things I was saying - she also said that he appears to not have the motivation I'm looking for (as far as making the decision or the moves to move forward or let go or ANYTHING) he tends to just exist and if nothing is wrong or needing fixing he'll just carry on status quo.

She also said - she doesn't believe he will ever love me the way I'm wanting to be loved - NOT that he doesn't love me - not even that he doesn't love me with all that he is - but just probably doesn't have it in him to love like I desire. So... again - while he's NOT a bad catch - and actually a rather GOOD catch as far as... not abusive - not addicted to any illegal substance or even the legal kind - not unsupportive - not uncaring - he's all of the BASIC things a girl wants... unfortunately I'm not sure I'm a "basic" kind of girl... I want to be - and I WISH I could be content with "basic" but it seems like not a week goes by I don't question being with him because the ache will surface in one way or another that I want to just feel that intense/passionate LOVE for someone - a love that just ACHES because you love them so much! I want to feel like I can't breath without them... and I want THEM to feel the same way!

Would that love last? I don't know... but I'm not sure I can marry someone still aching for that... maybe I have to go sow my wild oats (again) and experience it... see it die and that it doesn't last so I KNOW this long lasting "friendship" per se is what really counts!? :( I don't know! I know my semi-bf (I know it's hard for some to understand but it truly is a unique situation - he even knows about my activity on match.com - but I guess he just feels secure that a) I will always come back to him or b) if I find someone else and move on - that's the way it's meant to be - he says "I can't spend my days worrying about whether you will or won't move on... if it happens it happens - if it doesn't than I've enjoyed my days and not wasted them away worrying! He's either very mature or very unconcerned! :( ) anyway... he IS a good person and we've been through a lot in 8 years - I've grown up - he's put up with me - he's learned along the way too - but my heart and body ache for the passion of love - maybe fleeting passion - but the heart racing - feel like you can't breath and if you do, all you want is to breath that person in - kind of love!

I seriously feel pain when I think of not having that - I guess that's my answer - but it's truly a hard situation. I watched The Notebook this morning and the most I cried was the moment Ali had to decide between this GREAT guy that was good to her and there really wasn't a reason to not be with him... other than the fact that her heart and passion belonged to Noah. THAT is how I feel - only problem is... I've not found Noah - I don't know if he exists and I'm taking a BIG gamble letting go of Lou in the HOPE that Noah will eventual come my way!

And then I stand back and think - this is all silly - I'm happy - I "love" my BF - and to waste my life away waiting for greener grass is so juvenile.

If anyone is still listening (reading) feel free to comment. Thanks and XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 1:04am
Having more background on your situation, I see that you've pretty much done every thing that there is to do, so why are you still with him if you know that you'd never settle? You're in pain because you want something he can't give you. Why not take time for yourself without a man in your life and enjoy your own colmpany for a while? Being single isn't that bad, as it helps you to understand yourself better and put your priorties in order. Go back to your therapist and look for the solution to your inner conflicts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-26-2005 - 12:38pm

I've been reading this thread for the last 20 minutes or so and something you said in your last post just struck me. All too often we are looking for this ideal - this perfect package that meets every criteria we have for someone. We look at film and theater and are moved by what we see - so much so that we fantasize unrealistically. While I understand you used The Notebook merely as an example - this is where we women often go down the road to the Dark Side.

We see these romantic movies - words that someone has written to describe an ultimate ideal - and we put constraints on our lives to ensure that we have that at all times with our partners. There is nothing wrong with wanting passion in a relationship - but ask yourself this: What is passion? Is it that you and your partner can't keep your hands off of each other? Is it that the sex is so mind blowing that you're sore for days? Is it that you find yourself thinking about your partner at the oddest times: In meetings, in the frozen food section, in the bathtub, at night when you drift off to sleep? Is passion a toe curling kiss that leaves you breathless for more? Or is passion when you look at your partner and just thank God to have found someone so wonderful?

It sounds from what you have written that you are looking for us to tell you that you should move on from your relationship. You've been with this man for 8 years and yet you've felt the need to go outside of that relationship for something else. Now, he may be aware of your voyage on match.com (I was not clear about that in your post) but that has to tell you something. Why do you stay? Is it to keep him around to be a placeholder until you find someone who will love you how you wish to be loved? What if the situtation were reversed? How would you feel? Would you put up a defense and say: "Sure baby, I know you'll come back to me!" because you don't want to burn bridges? There are times when we are with "the right person" - just not the right person for "each other."

Strike out on your own. You're young. He's relatively young. Even your therapist points out that he won't be able to love you the way you want to be loved. If that is important to you - then you do no one any favors by sticking around. It will only hurt you and him. Just be sure that sex and the emotional connection that comes with it (as it appears you mention is the important thing) is really that important for you.

Can you find the whole package? Sure. You just have to be willing to wait for it.

--Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 8:33am

I think I felt a LOT like you did when I split from my ex-fiance when I was 25 (I'm 33 now). I just couldn't shake this feeling like there was something bigger out there for me, something better, more fulfilling.

He was my best friend at the time. Almost all my friends were our friends. There was nothing really "wrong" with him per se. Most of the fights we had were really becasue of my dissatisfaction with the relationship. I loved him, I just didn't feel I was "in love with him" any more.

My practical nature kept telling me I could do a lot worse. That he was a good man, a stable man. We could make a decent life together. That all relationships "slow down" and become less passionate. That after a while all you really have is friendship and companionship and that's "normal".

Like you I couldn't settle for that and I ended it. The word "settle" popping into my head is what final did it. I didn't want to "settle" and it really wasn't fair to him to be "settled" for, either. He deserved someone who genuinely was excited to be marrying him and that was decidedly NOT me.

So I ended it. It took me another eight years to find what I was looking for and while I wouldn't describe it as "a love that just ACHES because you love them so much! I want to feel like I can't breath without them". I would say that I am 99.9% confidant that if you come to me ten years from now I will be just as madly in love with him then as I am today. We may not be passionate in the butterflies in the stomach, horny all the time, do each other on the kitchen floor sort of way, but we are VERY passionately in love and we are very passionate about each other.

Don't give up on the kind of love you're looking for. If he can't give it to you, there is someone out there who can. It may take you a while and some more "wild oats" to find it, but you will.

I once decided that I would rather be single and/or spend my life in a series of monogamous relationships then marry the wrong person and spend my life alone with the man I married sitting right beside me. And that's pretty much what it feels like when you're with the wrong person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 6:15pm

Hi. I just wanted to say a couple of things. I've been in your boat - thought I had "Mr.Right" and I did just in the wrong way. He's a wonderful man but does not have a passionate bone in his body. I don't believe I ever loved him in the way that you are suppose to love your husband. I was the one that pushed for marriage - thinking it was the right step, the next step. Now almost 3 years later I have fallen for another man - this man is "Mr.Right" in all the right ways and I now have the task of telling my Husband that I need to move on. Just wanted to tell you to look deep inside yourself and don't settle for anything that does not make you 100% happy. I truly believe that the "whole package" is out there and that settling for anything else will only cause you heartache in the end like it is doing to me now.

Crystalblues

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 06-27-2005 - 7:14pm

I don't know what to tell you. Honestly, I think your idea of love is unreal, HOWEVER, I have had it. I have had that ache in my heart when he wasn't there. I had the type of love, where I'm always touching him, even in sleep, because I want to know he's there. I have felt that ache, that pain of loving someone sooo much, it hurts. We were passionate in all areas of our r'ship. In bed, out of bed, as friends, etc. It was what songs, romance novels, movies are made of.

I married this man. I also divorced this man 8 months later.

I have since realized what we had, was unrealistic. There is no way you can keep that up, or not feel like something is missing. My heart ached like it never has before, during, and after. I have never felt joy like that either. But in reality, it's hard to live like that day in day out.

Now. I am with a man, like your bf. And I too am confused if I'm settling, cuz I sure don't feel like I am, but I'm worried, because I don't have that all-encompassing passion/chemistry/ache for the guy. But then again, we also don't have a lot of fights, we get a long great, we are good friends, as well as lovers, etc.

After having both. I think if I had to err on one side or the other, I'd take the less passionate of the two. Mostly because you can't live on a high forever. Eventually you will come down. And only THEN do you realize if you're truly compatible or not. It could take a year, a month, who knows. It took me and my xh 2 years for us to come down and see the truth. We just weren't compatible.

I would say, if you're not happy with your bf, and it sounds like you're not, besides the fact he's a friend, you just need to find someone with a BIT MORE passion, but trust me, you do NOT need that whole aching heart feeling. It's lust. Not love. I'm also concerned with your bf's attitude. Mine is the same, but at least I know it'd hurt like hell if I left. And he's willing to work on thigns. Which, truly, makes it even hard to know if I should stay or go.

Good luck.

~pineapple_girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-28-2005 - 4:56pm
If you love each other then I would say go for it....Because when you are married I am sure the passion has it's ups and downs anyway...but can you imagine the married people that only have passion and no real friendships to fall back on. Can you imagine how miserable they are with each other right now? I think what you and your friend have is special and should be cherished.