would you settle just a little....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
would you settle just a little....
11
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:17pm
I'm probably going to get axed for asking a question like this but I feel I'm at a point in my life where I am just about really close to settling in a certain way. I have met a couple of almost right guys in the past year who are both good guys overall and like me and I am seeing one of them now and the other would be interested in dating me if I gave him a shot. I know that there are others out there and maybe I should try to go out there just to see but I feel like I'm tired of gambling with what might realisiticaly not happen. I am 30 and want my own biological children and I know that if I keep looking for my soul-mate I may never find him in time to have my own children. I would love to find him but I'm trying to be realistic. The guy I'm seeing is in the Navy but he'll be on deployment for over 4 more months and he's really not good at expressing himself via email and unfortunately because of this reason I feel distant to him. I also know that he's in no hurry to have children at this point in his life. I would have to discuss more in detail but that's what i gather from him. He could go either way on the children thing. There is great chemistry between the 2 of us and we laugh a lot together and have a wonderful time together with mutual respect and caring, overall he's a good guy just really bad at expressing himself via words so it's hard for me to feel cared about when he's away and also his timeline for marriage kids might not coincide with mine. The other guy I've been friends with for almost a year and we get along super well and he's ready to settle down and have children but there never really has been that chemistry there, maybe a tad but not enough to make me think about him or for him to be on my mind. However, I know that we would get along great together and we have a lot of the same beliefs, goals etc etc. He doesn't make me laugh like the Navy guy can which is pretty big for me but I guess when it comes to having the same goals and getting along super well and communicating well that's very important as well. It's hard because I'm at a point where I'm thinking of settling for the guy who has the same goals and who is here and available. Not in a bad way because he's a good guy but just making a concious effort to stop hoping and praying for my soulmate to come because most of us never meet them but to settle a little for a really good guy who I dont have that huge chemistry with but if I open up to him and the love grows then maybe the chemistry will develop. I'm just tired of dating, tired of the games and I want my own family. I still really like the Navy guy and I could see us falling in love because we were close before he left for deployment, but realistically it might not work for what I need and want right now in my life. Ok sorry aobut the long post and rambling. The whole point is if you guys were in my situation would you make a concious effort to settle just a little or are you an eternal optimist and would you take a gamble that there is someone who's a really good fit and also the chemistry is there?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:56pm
I'm not sure what exactly it is you'd be settling on. Are you saying that if you were five years younger that you wouldn't give a second thought about either one of these guys, but because you're *gasp30* you're considering it? That these same two guys who wouldn't be good enough for you at 25 are suddenly worthy of being your husband and father your children!! just because you are 30 years old and want kids!? Never settle on the man who will father your children just because you're a little desperate for a man, any man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:01pm

Um, here's a few random thoughts. Mother is a role, and wife is a role - but neither are a source of identity.

If you want to be a parent...that's great. But you really don't need a mate to do it. A little cooperation would help assist in saving you financial hardship of artificial insemination........but you don't have to be a wife - to be a mother.

If you want a partnership in marriage - think about businesses. Business partnerships are two very secure, mature, complete, self-defined and self-responsible adults who've joined together in a mutual effort for a common purpose....via similar methods and using similar sets of values so that you're not always supervising and controlling one another ot get the desired result vs. "impact of alliance" in a less harmonious fundamental dynamic.

So you're really proposing a business partnership when you're proposing marriage. Most people want some element of sexual chemistry. If they're mature they realize that "in love' is a feelig - but love is a statement, a fact, and perosnally defined and exhibited. And "in love" will come and go with situations....but love based in respect, honor, admiration, and acceptance of this person's character, and values, and integrity and intelligence will last becuase that'll allow ocnflict resolution - not just inspire conflict and destruction.

So, are you wanting partnership - where you are required to sacrifice some of your individual options for the "greater good" - that partnership allows with this person - while never ceasing to want the best for them as THEY determine it to be? So that you both continue to expand as individuals in parallel paths - the day you stop individually growing - it's becuase you died.

Alot of marriages are NOT partnerships, they're relationships of convenience and furtherance of status in some way - or security in a myriad of ways. He wants someone t handle the details of daily life so that he can get ahead professionally becuase he finds his identity in his professional life. And she wants someone to align with so that she is more societally accepted as a wife and maybe mother......while she shares littlein common with him on a personal level and that's just fine with her.

Parenthood is a huge obligation. There is no joy in parenthood if you do not find joy in sacrifice, requirement an dobligation for the long-term best interests nad well being of some small adult that you're in the process of setting thier moral compass, while allowing them a safe and boundarized environment in which to learn about themselves and how to apply thier traits as assets so that in life as adults - they go out to takeo n the challenge of life and self-definition - armed with a knowledge of self.

So are you wanting that....children aren't sources of unconditional love and fun. If anything, a child doesn't love as a parent as an individual until the child themselves becomes a self-identified adult and then can appreciate and objectively assess the character and integrity of the parent that raised them to determine if respect and admiration for them as an individual vs. the role they have is merited in the eyes of the adult child. The same holds true for parents...they must assess not "is the child a good reflection on me" - but is the adult child conducting themselves by standards and in ways that i admire and respect at the core level, so that as an adult I choose to affiliate with them as an equal - rather than an underling.

I'd always tell people never ot have more children than they can feed, clothe, house, educate and raise on their own. Divorce is not the only cause of financial dissolution and parent/child downsizing. Death, debilitating dissease or injury, etc. can do that just as well.

So, it's always a good idea to "prepare to parent alone"....go into parenthood not expecting to have to do that - but do realize you easily might have to do just that.....and prepare yourself for tthat task in every way before the children arrive - not once they're here.

I know plenty of people who have no "desire" personally ot have much in commmon with thier spouse. They want to admire, respect, accept, and apprpeciate this person's intelligence, intgrity and character, so they do share values, priorities, standards, and principles by which they conduct their lives. But it's two very separate individals coming and going with the assurance th eperson they're legally bound to won't dispoint them in any fundamental way - because of the character that person possesses.

If you don't want a partnership of "romance and involvement' - you could easily have a solid relationship with someone of intelligent and character that basically had similar standards and values as you....you'd share a bed, meals, a bank account, and obligations......but little else. It'd be a well-run partnership where each person thrived individually - because of the dedication to the collective whole..

But here's what wn't happen....lots of people try it...it doesn't work. If you go into any relationship to get identity, success, security, options, independence, or to determine your worth......the relationship is doomed to fail. Be it a romantic type involvement, or a parent/child commitment.

Becuase spouse and mother are roles. With those roles come obligations...but there is no corresponding guaranteed set of enjoyment and satisfaction. The relationships you get into need to be an "extension of who you are" - not determine who you are.

Otherwise your "transitional" phases of life involve chaos, destruction, and devastation.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:33pm
I knew I was going to get axed for this post. I don't think that you really understood where I was trying to come from on this. I'm by no means desperate for men at all. I've been using this time alone to work on myself and am making good progess and I feel more confident/independent than I ever have. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this man who I'm friends with is very right for me in a lot of ways and would make a great father and is very patient with children but the physical chemistry is not that great between the 2 of us but could possibly grow through love and getting closer. In "settling" I mean accepting that not everything is great and perfect and that this person might not be my perfect ideal "soul-mate" fit but he would make a great husband and father I know in a lot of different ways. If I were 25 no I probably wouldn't be in the mindset or place to go for someone who I didn't have much sexual/physical chemistry with and I wouldn't want to, but as I get older I am beginning to realize that this chemisty isn't what makes the r'ship, it helps because love can grow faster with chemistry if the person is a good personality fit with you as well and that would be an ideal situation but what matters most in a r'ship is the fit, the timing and the shared similarities, goals in life etc etc. Does that make more sense to you? I know 30 isn't old and I still have time to have children but I guess I'm at a point where I'm tired of the games period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 7:50pm
Thanks Erin very much for your insight, exactly what I was looking for on this post. I guess if I were to make a concious decision to be with this man who I feel I can have a very comfortable, mature partnership with then I would have to accept the fact that there isn't strong sexual chemistry which ends up fading and coming and going anyway. This is why I've been contemplating this for months. I want to make sure I'm ready to make this decision and that I'm ready to settle down into a mature partnership that's going to take a lot of hard work, compromise, trust and to take on the responsibility of a child as well. Even if I do decide to date this man there still isn't a guarantee that it would work but from the information I've gathered from him and I have gathered quite a bit, he and I would work very well together. I guess a major thing that prevents me from being with him is that my thoughts are still a little bit with this guy in the Navy because there is the romance and the chemistry but I don't have enough info on him to know if he's right for me and I won't figure it out for awhile but there are a couple fo things that came up that I'm thinking would probably cause hardships with us in the future, differences in communication and a little bit on the maturity side (me being more mature r'ship and communication wise and emotionally than he is)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 9:05pm

Here's a few more possible elements to consider:

First, the guy that doesn't communicate and is in the service........you're talking about "parenting" with a guy that is absent by default of profession and who doesn't communicate.

The reason people dont communicate is becuase they're not aware of waht they want...and so "not telling you what they don't know' - is the reality of their world.

This guy is in a military combat situation. IF he's not sure what he wants out of life at this point in his life - man, is that understandable or waht. HE's not sure he's going to have a future - and really can't make commitments or create obligations.

But to the real point of consideration as I see it.....you want to be a wife and a mother - but you haven't really said what it is that you're giong to "get" emotioally, personally, proessionally, and situationally "out" of all this obligation.

That'd be important for you to know.

Because if you get into a marriage and create obligations based on your "needs" of the moment that you have defined as being able to met as you've now pursued it....what's going to happen over time is this....it happened to me 4 times....because i refused to learn the lesson till I was 35!

We identify ourselves by the jobs we hold, the people we affiliate with, the interests we have, the accomplishment swe pursue, the lifestyle in general we lead.

there's two kinds of people......some people live up to thier values, standards, principles, and ethics at all times in all situations. Their moral compass is set to "true north" -so that they never disregard their own needs, or disrespect themslves in any way by conducting themselves in ways and in activities that are "embarrassing, humiliting, or most importantly WRONG to them". Those are teh type of people that see what it is they wanted and thought they'd never get being offered in a way that violates their ethics...and they decline, without hesitation, regret, resentment or fear or a sense of "sacrifice" or entitlement'.

Those people are the most consistent and congruent people youll ever meet. Some are flashy - others are not. But if you look around at your world...the people that you'd turn to in the event of a terminal disease diagnosis, or a devastating loss or problem in your life......those people are consistent and congruent. Those people wouldn't be turned to because of a status they hold (parent or friend) - in those moments or crisis or tragedy you'd turn to them because they've proven to be a rock that cannot be moved when it comes to doing the right thing, for the right reason, and handling the result. In everything tthey do, they're the people you nkow "won't do anything morally, legally, or personally wrong". You might have wondered how they do that - or you might already know.

But if situations determine what it is right and wrong, and the ends justify the means of meeting your in the moment needs.......you basically are diong wahtever feels good or that you can get away with at the time. Thatdoesnt lend itself to trust or honesty, or to harmonious involvement with another person who you don't control but are intertwined with in integral to lifestyle ways.

So we align with people that we believe "reflect well on us".

If we have self-esteem, self-responsibility, focus, respect, admiration adn trust of ourselves and accept the accountability adn responsiblity for our destiny......we want to align with people we respect and admire in terms of character, that we believe it is a privilege and honor to affiliate with and we can want the best for the as the determine it to be, because of "who they are at the core".

IF we don't have self-esteem....we wnat to align with people that make us "look like what we're not but wish we were in light of the needs we have at this moment in time". That approach means that what they represent, offer, and exude now - it's what you want and want to be now.....and you're not now - so alliance iwth them will give the benefits of being "how they are" -without being "like they are" per se. That all works very well until the poor person marries the rich person thinking they'll now have money to burn, and the rich person didn't get rich spending money like water, they make investments and sacrifices and the poor person not understanding how to "manage" money because they had none didn't realize they were marrying a money manager....when they thought they married a money tree.

When I was 19.....my decisions, actions, words, and association patterns had me in desperate need of an appearance to the external world. I needed desperately to appear to be mature, secure, responsible, reliant, trustworthy and honest. It wasn't that i wasn't those things...it's that I had not stepped up to the job of self-identificiation of life - before i stepped into a chaos and destruction and terror filled relationship where I created a "little obligation".

So at the time I thought of all the thinsg I'd never have, be or do - 19, young, thin, pursued, dated, romanced, desired, fun, exciting, and secure.....and wrote it off. I thought I've destroyed all that potentallly and I need to get with someone that is the equivalent of "40 years old" mentally, emotionally, financially and professionally an personallly because I have the obligations of a 40 year old, and the destruction to deal with that someone with way more maturity, options, savvy, and intelligence than I've got can help me deal with.

I truly believed I loved him...he was everything i wasn't...and it took me quite awhile to convince him I was everything I was putting on as an act. It was so believalbe because it was "genuine" - I truly at that time took seriously the "I'll never have's, be's and do's" of my youth and put them aside, tearfully inside, but aside. HE was everything I wasn't, and over time he offered me everything I thought I'd never have in terms of stability and security without being "rich or overly optioned". What he couldn't provide me with was a positive self-image.......he did at first, but then a few things happened as I aged, and the stress lessened, and i had a little mor free time on my hands and energy to burn.......I actually lost weight, I gained self-confidence due to the attention and approval of others for this effort, with that self-confidence I went out and got a job doin things I never envisioned I'd get to do - and making money I never thought I'd make. that was all thanks to him and our marriage making my life more stable and secure so that I had a platform to climb up from........At 24, I was married to someone 44...and in a position I never envisoned at 20 would be my world. Thin, attractive, well-groomed, flirted with, in a highlyl public job where attention was the focus, and in a well-paying job that allowed the "luxuries' of our life such as our new home financed by my parents to be my ability to "live in on my own" - while paying my own bills (provided I didn't pay them back the note!).

So at 24 i found myself not liking how alliance with him made me look...and wanting what I had tearfully and "responsibly" put aside as options at 19 and terrified. I ran into someone who had once caught my eye.......and sparks flew. I was sitting there looking at my life going "I hve it all, how long can I keep up th e act and how long should i attempt to keep up the act because there's so much more out there than being 44 at 24."

So at the point wehre I"d had a solid and stable foundation to climb up from to more awareness and expanded horizons responsibly - I'd simply climbed up onto a spire of self-confidence that was fully generated by attention, applause, admiration, flirtation and affirmation of my "worth" in my desirability and cutness and sexuality.....I never thought I'd be a "hot 21"...but man, i was that and then some at 24.

I'm not proud of how i ended that marriage, only to say I didn't end it by cheating on him. He was replaced before I ended the relationship but I was diong the Clinton thing - and denied that desire for sex and fun, romance, adn glamor was fueling my "desire to end this inappropriate relationship". The cornerstone of my life hinged in denial...and I'm so glad it crumbled to remanents at 35, I wish however it hadn't taken so long and destroyed so many people by my hand.

I got into the next relationship thinking I was giong to continue to "Build" on a stable platform, only to find I was with someone that was lacking in maturity, responsiblity, drive, identity and awareness...and it took me 3 years, and everything I owned being lost, and a child being totally ignored in the process...before i convinced the guy to marry me. At the point that i wnated "marriage" with him - I ceased to consider that "aisle/altar/hymn is not I'll alter him"....and I wanted "Him" on his terms, at all costs...and that is what I got. Within a year, I was divorcing him becuase he didn't make me into the person I thought marriage would maek me into - but it certainly had cost me everything externally, financially, familiially and professionally to "have him at all costs".

I started over...rebounding prioritization is simply "what I didn't like in waht i have - I won't tolerate the appearance of and will prioritize trying to find. And what I did like and need in teh last relationship will be totally disregarded as to whether it exists in this one. I want what I didn't have...and own't tleratet what I did that i didn't like."

So I did it AGAIN.....and dragged myself and th chidl thru a pit that this time was now not even a sembalnce of a platform, but a quicksand vat.

So, you make very sure that if you're giong to pursue "roles" as a part of your identity, that you're very aware that what you're "putting aside" at the conscious and subconscious level is still "waht you want"......and waht you want is going t materialize in some way shape, or form....and when it does at some point, you better be prepared NOT to sacrifice and destroy what you've created - to get instant gratification. Particularly with a child in the mix.

And here's my last suggestion.....go rent the movie Castaway. Even if you've seen it. It's got elements you need to get a grasp on and the movie depicts them in pervsive element very well.

One minute - he was a delivery man, and a husband, with a house and car in a suburban neighborhood and upwardly mobile on the professional scale.

The next minute - he was out in the middle of nowhere with nobody to rely on but himself to be EVERYTHING to himself that he needed in order to survive.

He acknowledged facts and realities and needs and desires...he wanted companionship and didn't delude himself into thinking the ball with the face was real....but what it represented was 'very real" and he interacted with wha tit represented, not what it was - WHILE KEEPING HIS BALANCE AND SANITY BECUASE OF IT.

Wow......striking when you realy think about it. Wouldn't we all benefit from not turning something into wht it's not, while accepting what ti is and working within what is?

He needed to be his own dentist, doctor, lawyer, priest, house builder, food provider, etc. etc. etc. It took several years to acomplish getting down a routine and skills that allowed him to "survive" and then it took quite a few more to refine his talents and hone his abilities to have "luxuries" - while never losing sight of the fact he was solely responsible for what he did and what he had, how safe he was, etc.

For 10 years he lived on the island alone......and he didn't leeave it until it was not a challenge left to conquer - but a desolate existence to inhabit...and we often do the reverse in our society - and we refuse to meet the challenge, as a result our existence is a desolate reality no matter how much diversion is provided in it.

HE wanted to conquer the challenge of "reaching 'civilization - he was not striving to get back to his wife, his house, his jobs, his attention and applause for surviving all this...and he lived up to the challenge of that task. He didn't reintegrate with society as it was...he observed it because of how changed he was...and he reinvolvd on his trms with it......not combatively or invasively - but acceptingly with purpose and focus on his actions meeting his needs, his involvements meeting his purposes, and evedrything he did living up to his standards becuase that reflected on his character and his essence.

At the end, most people are very confused by the last few scenes, becuas eyou see him delivering a package he made it a point to brig off the island unopened, in the journey on the raft across the open ocean. Why deliver the package? Why not open it as he'd been forced to open against his principles many of the packages in order to survive? Why not wait at the door for the person to give it to them and receive all that attention? Most pepeople viewing the movie at first go "why end it this way" - with him alone going up to a residence, leaving an unopened package that had been in his care for years, and him returning to his car, and sitting in an intersection, consulting a map for directions?

Well, the reason is that he was doing waht he required of himself to live up to his obligations by delivering the package. He iddn't do it for applause, he did it because of who he is. And the intersection represents the crossroads at which he was, while his consultation of a map indicates he's in control of his own destiny...it's just another leg of the journey he started in a plane that crashed on an island, all those years ago.

content people cannot be seduced. They're not drawn to the glitter, although they notice it of course.

What you're talking about is eliminating a portion of life that for you up to now has been a priority. YOu're doing it to become a parent. Which is great, if you have NO expectation of parenthood other than to handle the responsiblities with focus and dedication, and enjoy it for what it is - while not making it into wht it's not.

Because you're talking about a phase of life that is going to end. If you were to marry someone and establish a compatible but non-bonded relationship - in 18 years from the point the child is born - they're giong to leave home. to expand their horizons, to fulfill thier potential. They'll need a home to return to - but that's the transition for parents into the next phase of life. Out of active parenting, and back into individuality and couplehood having more emphasis.

If everything you do in parenthood is cast into a shadow by leaving it at the conclusion of that period because it no longer has anything of value ot you...the message you'll send to the child is one you do not want to send. The messages are so varied, thre is no way to know which one's they'll subliminally adopt.

So you're talking about spending your "go getting 30's, you're laid back 40's, you're diversified 50's, your challenging 60's, your transitional 70's adn beyond with someone it's imperative that you know, understand, accept, love, admire, respect, like, trust, and want to be with.......I'm not talking about a "him" - I'm talking about YOU!

Dont choose partnership out of need.....when needs change you'll be forced to "go without" to your resentment an frustration, or you'll end up being self and other disruptive or destructive.

As an athlete......who reallyy had to work to put my head together so my life would "move along"........I remember my first triathlon.

My first training partner, as inexperienced as I was unfit.....had a piece of really sound advice. I"m glad I took it in the race...but more glad I applied it ot the race of life.

His words "traithlon is about transition. You'll get a jump on your competition in transition. After your swim as you're running towards the bike, be planning your every move of getting out of the wetsuit and goggles, and having your shoes already clipped to the pedals, so that you "stand down, push off and ride". when you approach the run transition, stand up on the bike and slow down, so that you step off and don't fall because you're wearing clip shoes, and step out of them, leave hem there, and have your running shoes ready to step into. HAve everything ready, adn go thru it in your mind as you approach that transition area. That'll make your movements fluid and smoooth and you won't lose time in fumbling around, or create more stress for yourself trying to find something or fix something. Just remember, you're not fast and you're not fit, but you are smooth I'll give you that. And in that this is a triathlon, you can pick up probably 5 minutes and 1 overall place, if you do a good transition."

I took that to heart...and while i was swimming, biking, and running, I was mentally rehearsing my transition as i approached that area. Before that, I concentrated on the pace, my form, my ability to continue...and when i got close to transition I began to choreograph it in my mind.

A year later my entire athletic life was in a massive transition from "slow, fat, scared, and losing" - to "fast, fit, firm and winning".....that much gain in one year came from "smooth transition".

Life is about transition and no matter where you go, there you are.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 3:56am

I haven't read the other posts yet, but to me it sounds as though neither is right for you.

Lack of communication from the Navy guy has the potential to be a huge issue and lack of chemistry with the other guy also has the potential to be a huge issue. I'd not be wanting to have children with any man with whom a red flag exists.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 8:40pm

soorprise, soorprise :)

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 10:23pm
Thanks for the input girls. I know I'm not over the hill by any means :-) I'm 30 and still young and have some time left. Maybe you are right, I wasn't really all that into this guy (non-Navy guy) to begin with even though he does fit the profile. I think he wouldn't even be able to open up to me and trust me fully anyway if I were to date him since I was honest with him about the chemistry lacking. He was always in the backdrop for me even though he's a great/wonderful guy. Maybe he's just meant to be a friend and that's it and I need to stop playing with this guys emotions. I'm thinking if I'm not willing to let the "possiblity" of him go then I should let him go as a friend until I can stop misleading him. He does deserve someone that thinks the world of him to begin with and who doesn't have to make a concsious effort to date him. I think as far as the Navy guy goes there are certain things I see that could be a hurdle for us besides the distance but have surfaced more because of the distance. I do really care about him and think about him quite a bit and he says he thinks of me a lot as well. There definately is a connection there and we keep contacting each other and it doesn't feel forced at all. I feel like I look forward to hearing from him and writing to him and he says he feels the same. It's if we can overcome these hurdles and differences that will be the deciding factor if we will make it and that takes time and risk. But in the meantime while he's gone I will focus on working on myself and my insecurities and maybe pace myself and date others to see if I can find that perfect fit for me where little to no hurdles exist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 5:02am

>>Whenever you post about that biological clock of yours (at 29, no less!) and how you're runnign out of time, you make me feel sooooo old! I'm 35, so I must be way past that danged hill ;)<<

I totally understand where the O/P is coming from. Considering the massive nosedive our fertility does when a woman is in her mid 30's, it kinda does turn into the issue of "now or never". To be honest, I'd not want to be 35, still hoping to meet the man of my dreams AND hoping to have children to him. The man of one's dreams may well still happen after 35, but fertility levels are getting seriously dubious.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 10:52am
Well, I guess the way I look at it is that I am 30, I haven't yet met the man of my dreams and there is no guarantee that I will even though I am hopeful. I know that my fertility level will start to go down soon but I guess really that there isn't any control I have over that. I know I'm not old by any means and I still feel young.I'm starting to come to believe that if I don't meet him and I don't have children then so be it. I guess that's the way that it goes because in all honesty who would want to have children with mr almost right and be unhappy with that person. I guess I could make a concsious effort to settle just a little not taking the gamble that the perfect fit for me may not come along in time. But there is no guarantee that I'll be happy if I settle just a little and maybe I'll constantly be looking at other men wondering if they could have been it and subjecting children to that is no good. I want to set a good example for my children and give them a happy home and show them that me and my husband are in love and that I'm not doubting and wondering if someone else better out there exists.

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