a year later (update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
a year later (update)
4
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 7:59pm

a year ago I told my friend I couldn't be his friend anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 9:47am

The first thing I can think of with your situation is that you seem to be attracted (or they gravitate toward you) to the same types of guys for some reason or another. You need to ask questions ahead of time of these guys you date, and let them chase you...take you out, and take care of you...and not the other way around. The more you give them an opportunity to chase you and you NOT chasing them, the better your chances.

I had that same problem (although not dating junkies, just losers in general). After a while, I started giving up, and went "outside the box", and gave guys that I normally wouldn't go for a chance...and that worked.

As far as the "still single at 34" question, what types of guys are you going out with? And how old are they? You really don't need to answer that question. If the guy you date wants to pursue you further, that answer will come to them in time. You need to not take all that personally, and just redirect the question back to them...why are you still single...or looking at whatever age. A new guy that you date doesn't need to know...or cares to...that you dated druggies, or been wasting time with them.

You need to stop keeping in contact with these kinda guys, and do better for yourself. Taking care of yourself should be your priority first. If you start looking at things in a more positive light, and stop thinking about how your gonna be "single" and can't find anyone.

The best remedy in your situation that normally works is to STOP looking. It truly sounds like you really need to take time off from all guys for a good while. Once you stop looking and are completely and totally done with things, is when a new guy pops up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 7:37pm

I have always been attracted to preppy type guys -after all I met the pothead and alcoholic at work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 8:42pm

I understand where you are coming from. Trust me...I do.

I dated a guy for about a month, he was smart, had a degree, charm...etc. I was at a point in my life where I was looking, and everything seemed to be going well. Then I find out he's a heavy pot smoker, and wasn't about to stop or get clean. So, god knows what else he was doing. And yes you are right, they do hide that crap well. I dated a guy for 4 years that popped (diet, fat blocker) pills and didnt find that out till I was a year into it. So love kinda blinds you after a while.

Ya know when you do things in life a certain way, and that way doesnt work so well anymore. Well with my current BF, I came at it with a different approach and didn't chase or got my hopes up, and it worked. Whereas before I was chasing, and getting my hopes up and meeting the WRONG guys.

As far as my quote you posted, what I was trying to say was my rule of thumb has been to let the guy do the chasing, and for you not to get your hopes up ...and let things develop naturally. Yes, you can't always pick up that "information" about someone in the first few months. So yeah it's one of those things that when you start dating someone, it takes a little while to come up. Not quite sure how far into things that you found out about the 2 guys.

As far as the guys from work, you probably wanna stay away from that. In most cases dating guys at work is just a bad idea. I wasn't trying to be hard on your situation, but to try and offer an alternative to your situation.

My point in my first post was that not to let the stuff that was in the past scar you from future dates, and that past relationships are always a lesson to be learned and to be aware of the warning signs. Putting your heart and hopes into something super quickly can sometimes set you up for a hard fall...if there is one. Yeah it sucks when you get let down like that, but hey...think of it like this...you aren't with that person and putting up with the behavior anymore. And yeah those preppy guys are cute, but keep your options open and keep your eyes and ears open before you jump in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 03-28-2009 - 10:29pm

I can see a plus to all of this, at least you found out early enough in the courtship/friendship that these guys had some issues - and not further on down the road. It sounds like only a handful of dates between the two of them. So, all was not lost!

You mentioned you "fell in love" with the pothead guy then then you said you only had two dates. Maybe you were attracted to him or infatuated with him prior, but I don't think it was real "falling in love." Maybe you're on the "woah as me" track but learn something from each encounter and use it to grow.

Women and Love by Mira Kirshenbaum is a good book that talks about women, love, love experiences, all the things you can learn from failed loves, etc.

There are plenty of single people in their 30s. What you need to focus on now is dumping the duds as soon as you find out they're a dud, and move on. Sure this may mean you go through alot of guys, but no sense in sticking with duds! The sooner you free yourself from a dud (and sounds like you did do this with the pothead guy), the more room you make to find a better guy.

Don't get into the "too late" mentality either. Just move on from these people that have their issues, let them go, and also - try some guys that you don't work with. Don't go for a "type" either - as this gets women in trouble. Go for the nice, considerate, respectful, generous guy - which can come in any "type."