2nd date surprise--lied about his age

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
2nd date surprise--lied about his age
27
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 1:51pm

Hi everyone. I thought I’d see how things played out with this guy and say farewell to this message board but I’m back because there’s been an unexpected twist on the second date.

Just to catch you up, we’d corresponded for a couple weeks, met for the first time last Thursday, and met again last night. Neither time felt like a date because the first time we met briefly in a café and last night we went for a walk. Both times were pleasantly low-key.

At one point in the conversation, he fessed up that he lied about his age in his profile and instead of being 30, he’s 35. He explained the reason why is that when he had his true age in his profile, he was being approached mostly by women in their 40s with children who would push him for a relationship fairly quickly. I didn’t really know what to say. By the way, I'm 30, never married, no kids.

He also told me that he knew after we first met that he wanted to see me again and felt badly about deceiving me. He said when he put a fake age in his profile he wasn’t thinking ahead to how he would eventually come clean to the women he met, and that he didn’t anticipate meeting someone like me. As I thought back on our first meeting, I realize he fudged a few details about his past in order to fit the whole impression that he was 30.

I’m feeling pretty conflicted about him now. On the one hand, I’m flattered and excited, but on the other, I’m bothered by the fact that things started out with a deception. I wonder if there might be other things that will come to the surface later and I just want to ask him if there’s anything else he’s hiding.

What would you think? Would you let this go, or does it raise a red flag? Am I overreacting? Should I be wary? His age doesn’t bother me, though all this time I thought he was my age, and now I’m adjusting to this new reality. What bothers me more is that there was a deception. I’ve tried to be open and upfront about myself so I’m a little disappointed that he wasn’t doing the same, at least initially.

I'm supposed to see him again later this week, so I'd love to get some responses to the above so I handle the conversation and not overreact (or underreact).

Thanks.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 1:58pm

This goes to the whole "doing the right thing even when it's hard" issue. That to me is a sign someone has character and integrity. People who do not have good character and lack integrity take the easy way out and lie when it suits their purposes.

I could not trust someone who lied for such a lame reason. There's a "delete" key on his computer, isn't there? So what if he gets emails from older women?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 3:45pm

I know that dating can bring out all sorts of insecurities and fears of rejection and that is why people often conceal their age, but his reason for lying was essentially to reject an entire category of women (i.e., in their 40s with kids)! It is lame and hurtful and I'm sorry if my post aroused any negative feelings. It's ironic that in revealing that he's older than he originally claimed, he's actually revealed himself to be much more of a boy.

I will proceed with caution.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:16pm
I think if I were he, I would have put my age limits to who I wanted to date within the range he really wanted to date (and not assume that a certain age group was looking for Dad's for their kids). I think I would have asked him at the time if there was anything else he lied about in his profile...anything else he needed to "fess up" to. If you find out later that he lied about other things (after supposedly coming clean with everything), I would say that would be a dealbreaker. If it's only the age deal, you might cut him slack on that if you really like him. Five years isn't a big age difference really.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:22pm

So what else is ok for someone to lie about if you "really like him"?

Where do you draw the line?

Shouldn't you have HIGHER standards for someone you "really like" not LOWER?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:26pm
Perhaps, but are you going to rule out every single person who hasn't been totally truthful in their profile? I think it would be hard to find someone who never told a white lie about something. The proof is in what was lied about and how it affects the person they're with. If they lied about their age for a specific reason on a dating site, I don't know that I would think that that was the end of the world. I would be more concerned if he never came clean with his true age. Yes, I would proceed with caution, but this is not you or I. This is the original poster's question....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:34pm

So we should all just lower our standards because "everyone lies"?

Yes, I now do rule out every person who has lied in his profile as soon as I find out that's the case. It definitely reduces the number of people I date, but it also means I'm not dating someone who right off the bat has demonstrated he is dishonest (that's not to say that everyone who is honest in their profile is otherwise honest, but all people who lie in their profile ARE by definition dishonest, that's a no-brainer).

That's not a "white lie" by the way. It was a lie intended to deceive for HIS benefit. A white lie is one told SOLELY so as to spare someone ELSE'S feelings, without any intention to deceive or benefit from the lie.

To the OP: I apologize for the thread drift; this is a topic I feel very passionately about so I tend to get carried away.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:44pm
I guess it's the OP's choice to date this person. While you might not date him (and I'm not saying I WOULD), realize that not everyone has the same standards (or dealbreakers) as everyone else. Although I personally think he just should have put the age limitations on who he would be willing to date rather than lie about his age...better yet, indicate in his profile he'd prefer to date women who did NOT have children at home since that seems to be his main issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 6:14pm

I'm with Sheri on this one. I see a deeper issue, and have come across this repeatedly in my age group (48); men who in their own minds are "different" than others their age. I wish I had a dollar for every man I saw who WAS my age, but didn't want to DATE my age. They're special, they're different, they're "younger-looking and acting," blah blah blah. Look around you buddy -- you don't seem that different. Put an age range that you want to date in your profile, and just ignore those who answer who are outside of it.

The amusing double standard here. He doesn't want to appear his correct age, for whatever reason. Neither do the women contacting him, but he's judging them. (yes, I realize he's saying he's getting responses from 'older' women but i would bet dollars to donuts that's not what he really is trying to avoid.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 7:06pm

Following this debate helps to clarify where I stand. I do believe he regrets misleading me, but as some of you have pointed out, this gets at a larger issue about him and his attitude about himself, and is less about his feelings toward me.

I'm not ready to write him off entirely at this point (please don't cringe). But the next meeting will be crucial. I promise to be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:15pm
That's fine because it is each person's call of the level they are comfortable with. I caution you to see this as a potential red flag and keep you gaurd up until he proves himself trustworthy. He lied and he wrapped more lies around the original lie to keep it intact. Not a good start to a relationship IMO, but you are the only one that can decide what works for you. If this is the only lie he tells and from here on out he proves to be trustworthy, great! But if he ever lies about anything again, my advice is to dump him because he'll keep on doing it because he know he can and you'll put up with it. But you never know until you try so good luck with your decision.

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