2nd date surprise--lied about his age

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
2nd date surprise--lied about his age
27
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 1:51pm

Hi everyone. I thought I’d see how things played out with this guy and say farewell to this message board but I’m back because there’s been an unexpected twist on the second date.

Just to catch you up, we’d corresponded for a couple weeks, met for the first time last Thursday, and met again last night. Neither time felt like a date because the first time we met briefly in a café and last night we went for a walk. Both times were pleasantly low-key.

At one point in the conversation, he fessed up that he lied about his age in his profile and instead of being 30, he’s 35. He explained the reason why is that when he had his true age in his profile, he was being approached mostly by women in their 40s with children who would push him for a relationship fairly quickly. I didn’t really know what to say. By the way, I'm 30, never married, no kids.

He also told me that he knew after we first met that he wanted to see me again and felt badly about deceiving me. He said when he put a fake age in his profile he wasn’t thinking ahead to how he would eventually come clean to the women he met, and that he didn’t anticipate meeting someone like me. As I thought back on our first meeting, I realize he fudged a few details about his past in order to fit the whole impression that he was 30.

I’m feeling pretty conflicted about him now. On the one hand, I’m flattered and excited, but on the other, I’m bothered by the fact that things started out with a deception. I wonder if there might be other things that will come to the surface later and I just want to ask him if there’s anything else he’s hiding.

What would you think? Would you let this go, or does it raise a red flag? Am I overreacting? Should I be wary? His age doesn’t bother me, though all this time I thought he was my age, and now I’m adjusting to this new reality. What bothers me more is that there was a deception. I’ve tried to be open and upfront about myself so I’m a little disappointed that he wasn’t doing the same, at least initially.

I'm supposed to see him again later this week, so I'd love to get some responses to the above so I handle the conversation and not overreact (or underreact).

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 8:54am

1) He lied to get a date with a younger woman and it worked.

2) He will lie to get anything else he wants.

The End

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:03am

I have posted many different profiles on many different sites. There isn't a lie or "white lie" (as you say) on any one of them.

Lying isn't necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 9:28am

It was this paragraph which really stood out:
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He also told me that he knew after we first met that he wanted to see me again and felt badly about deceiving me. He said when he put a fake age in his profile he wasn’t thinking ahead to how he would eventually come clean to the women he met, and that he didn’t anticipate meeting someone like me. As I thought back on our first meeting, I realize he fudged a few details about his past in order to fit the whole impression that he was 30.
---------------------------

He has actually proven that it's easier to carry out this ridiculous facade then it is ignoring women that don't interest him! He is good. I wonder how many other naïve women have been fooled by his "honesty".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:11am

I like:

"and that he didn’t anticipate meeting someone like me."

As if this poster is so special that she is the only one on the planet that shouldn't be a recipient of his lies. Love the delineation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:21am

I don't know. I suppose it's possible that he's sincere in saying that and regrets lying about his age. I mean, he didn't HAVE to come clean about his real age at any point, did he? I hope the OP keeps us updated on what happens with this situation. My other question would be what other reason could there be for lying other than the reason he gave? I can't think of anything else plausible other than he just isn't into older women.

I may sound very narrow, but I've commented before on how older men are a huge turn-off to me. Even some my OWN age look 60 or better. I got an ice breaker just today from a guy who is 50 and looks every bit 65 or older. I'm 45 and am told and also believe that I look much younger. I could probably pass for 35 easily. I have "thought" about putting my age a bit younger myself but I've been truthful with my profiles. But, I know that I feel very strongly about not wanting to hook up with an older guy who looks a lot older than me. There is no point really, but I hit the delete button without any problems.




Edited 11/9/2005 10:23 am ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:41am

Hi mitsy2,

>I suppose it's possible that he's sincere in
>saying that and regrets lying about his age.
>I mean, he didn't HAVE to come clean about
>his real age at any point, did he?

I'm sorry but I think it's an oxymoron to use "sincere" when describing the actions of a liar. I find it INFURIATING when people say that a person has integrity when they confess to a lie *AFTER* it has got them whatever they wanted. People with integrity DON'T lie. There are very few exceptions like if they accidentally did something and were afraid of the consequences. IMO: Pre-meditated lies are unforgivable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:42am

Of course he had to come clean. His age is figured prominently on his driver's license which is usually openly displayed in a wallet. It was just a matter of time before she found out the truth from it, or from one of his family or friends, and that would have been even messier.

If it is okay to lie on a profile then I think I will start telling men I'm rich, or 25 or have bigger boobs. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:50am
So you think she should drop this guy like a hot potato? Maybe so. That is her call really. I try to view the situation as the OP might see it. We don't know the guy and while his lie wasn't the right thing to do, at least he did admit to it. As I said, he could have just admitted nothing and she'd be none the wiser. I think his actions and what he says from now on will be the real indicator of any chances of success in a dating relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:08am

-------------------------------------------------------

"The single most critical factor in your trading success will be your ability to control your emotions of greed and fear. These emotions cloud your judgment and cause you to trade recklessly."

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It's amazing how similar Dating is to Trading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:13am

Chamey101, I do think you're being a bit harsh, but I appreciate your point of view. Call me a relativist with no morals, but I draw distinctions between white lies and malicious, ill-intended lies. And this doesn't make me naive; if anything, I think it's made me more open-minded and willing to give people second chances.

I think we should concede that we have different takes on whether telling lies/concealing/fudging categorically makes a person an untrustworthy liar never to be dealt with again. Please don't rush to judgment, especially toward me. You don't know me and I thought some of your comments were condescending and personal.

And I think some have lost sight of the original dilemma; he wasn't misrepresenting his age to score with younger women, but rather to avoid "older" women. I'm 30 for goodness sake! This hardly makes me a "younger woman" to a 35 year old.

And yes, if I were to enter a relationship with this guy I would eventually have found out about his age. (I don't usually check driver's licenses on a first date). But he brought it up and told me on our second date. I know to many of you this makes no difference and a lie is a lie is a lie...I'm just not with the majority on this. It makes a difference to me that he told me the truth early on before there is any relationship and didn't wait for it to come out later when real feelings were involved.

Anyway, bottom line is, I still hardly know the guy and can't confidently vouch for his character. I'm actually quite fascinated by the range of reactions (except for the ones attacking me--whatever happened to sisterhood?) so I'll keep updating.