2nd date - too much revealed!
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:51pm |
I just got home from a second date with this absolutely amazing guy I met on myspace. Toward the end of the date we started being more comfortable with each other. It was great, like we finally passed that barrier. We were laughing and discussing intimate details about out lives and our ex's, and I was very tight lipped about the ex, I am proud to say. We also shared a piece of cake by candlelight...very nice :) But when we started talking about religion (which is cool because we share similar views) I let slip that I have taken a vow of celebacy until marriage. CRAP! But his last relationship lasted for 3 years and she had also taken the same vow. And he said that he has no respect for women who give it up on the first date, and he thinks withholding sex is the best thing for a relationship (see, the guy is wonderful!).
However...although he didn't say it right out, he does not personally believe in waiting until marriage for sex. He said it in a round-about way like "I was celebate in my last relationship, but not by my choice, even though I respected her decision." So the poor guy has already gone 3 or more years without sex, and now he knows that if he continues to date me he'll go even longer. I shouldn't have revealed this piece of information until AFTER (or if) we were in an exclusive relationship. Because now I'm just some girl he's been on a couple of dates with, and walking away will be easy. I know, I know, if he walks away because of that I wouldn't want him anyway. But when he walked me to my car he didn't kiss me goodnight :( I'm so bummed. I'm celebate, but my lips are free for the taking...okay, not free, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, I know I'm doing the right thing by standing by my morals and I know this will be the true test to see if he's worth it. But I guess I'm just needing a to vent, slap myself on the forehead, and hear someone tell me I did the right thing. Then, if he walks I can thank God I didn't waste my time, right?

I do not know what your religion is and am by no means trying to dismiss your determination to remain celibate before marriage as a strange whim, but as an atheist.... my honest opinion is that to expect a man, ANY man, religious or not, young or old, good or bad, to live without sex for 1-2-3 years just because this is what you insist on and to further expect this man to stick to you rules and remain faithful to you is, at best, VERY.. ambitious. My advice to you would be to think about this, and try and be a touch more flexible, religion or not.
Thank you, momofthree. I'm actually 29 and I have been married. I have two kids and so a lot of people see my new vow of celebacy as pointless. "You've already had sex, what's the problem with doing it again?" Some may even call me a hypocrit. But I don't want to get into a religious discussion, so I'll just say that I am a Christian and this is something I wholeheartedly believe in. I've turned over a new leave, so to speak. And I've struggled with it immensely. Since I have had sex in the past, I know what I'm missing LOL But I made this vow out of love, not duty.
And you are absolutely right. If he does call for a third date, even after I basically told him I won't have sex with him, then he truly is a keeper :) Unless, of course, he's arrogant enough to think he's going to change my mind! And I wanted him to kiss me because I am so attracted to him, so you're right, it is probably a good thing that he's taking it slow.
Thanks for the compliment...being straightforward is often more of a curse more than it is a blessing, though ;)
As an atheist I would not expect you to understand my religious convictions (I'm Christian), but everyone is entitled to their beliefs. This is not a strange whim, and it is not something I'm insisting on because I want to be stubborn and inflexible. This is something I believe in with everything I am, so I guess what it comes down to is me needing to find a guy who believes the same, or at least respects my beliefs to the point where he doesn't resent me for witholding sex.
I know this limits my choices, but I think it's worth the wait for find someone who meshes well with me and my beliefs.
' I know this limits my choices, but I think it's worth the wait for find someone who meshes well with me and my beliefs' - absolutely. I agree - it would have to be a person whose set of values and beliefs not only matched yours but would be identical to yours. I can tell you that no matter how much I liked/loved/adored/admired/respected etc etc etc a person, I would not and could not accept the 'no s** before marriage' thing no matter how badly I wanted to be with them and how perfect they were in all other respects, so I do wish you luck.
I too only lurk and needed to jump into this one. I am so impressed with your beliefs and strong desire to do the right thing for yourself!!!! DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT!! Other people who disregard your thoughts, ideas and decisions don't respect you and you need to not waiver on what is important to you.
Telling him upfront was the completely right thing to do. I chose that route for many years. I knew when I was very young that I wanted to be with one man and one man only. When I reached my 40th birthday I knew that I had waited for naught and I was so tired of telling men in their 40's & 50's that I was a virgin. Talk about not calling for a 2nd date. I do not feel like I compromised anything and I've never regretted it. I dated like a man for about 18 months and slept with whomever I felt like and it was quite the learning experience. I loved it actually. But after that 18 month period ended I decided it wasn't for me and have gone back to waiting for the right man. I have had several relationships since which included a healthy sex life. I am currently not in a relationship and do not find the desire to sleep around. It's important to me that I at least maintain a certain amount of dignity not going out and hunting men down only because "I have needs".
I am confident I will find the right man and all will work out for the best. I had good intentions and I am proud myself.
You did the right thing!! If this man does not want to date you again you are right he doesn't deserve you. You will find the right man that will respect your beliefs and never settle for less than that!!
WC
problem with someone who does, just that it wouldn't be for me. Having been married twice I had sex with both of them before. It's my experience that it answers a pretty MAJOR question about sexual styles. I have had good sex and bad sex. Waiting to get married and finding out that the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is in the bad sex catagory, would be a big downer-and probably lead to another divorce . It can also work that way from the female side-what if he premature ejaculates(i.e. lasts less that 2 minutes), has ED, has expectations outside of regular intercourse, is quite 'small' wants to try S & M, porn movies, role playing-you get the idea. It is your sex life you are playing with for the rest of your life. I think it's admirable you want to wait. But your not a virgin anymore- the thrill of you being the 'first' won't be there for him.