2nd date - too much revealed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
2nd date - too much revealed!
8
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:51pm

I just got home from a second date with this absolutely amazing guy I met on myspace. Toward the end of the date we started being more comfortable with each other. It was great, like we finally passed that barrier. We were laughing and discussing intimate details about out lives and our ex's, and I was very tight lipped about the ex, I am proud to say. We also shared a piece of cake by candlelight...very nice :) But when we started talking about religion (which is cool because we share similar views) I let slip that I have taken a vow of celebacy until marriage. CRAP! But his last relationship lasted for 3 years and she had also taken the same vow. And he said that he has no respect for women who give it up on the first date, and he thinks withholding sex is the best thing for a relationship (see, the guy is wonderful!).

However...although he didn't say it right out, he does not personally believe in waiting until marriage for sex. He said it in a round-about way like "I was celebate in my last relationship, but not by my choice, even though I respected her decision." So the poor guy has already gone 3 or more years without sex, and now he knows that if he continues to date me he'll go even longer. I shouldn't have revealed this piece of information until AFTER (or if) we were in an exclusive relationship. Because now I'm just some girl he's been on a couple of dates with, and walking away will be easy. I know, I know, if he walks away because of that I wouldn't want him anyway. But when he walked me to my car he didn't kiss me goodnight :( I'm so bummed. I'm celebate, but my lips are free for the taking...okay, not free, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, I know I'm doing the right thing by standing by my morals and I know this will be the true test to see if he's worth it. But I guess I'm just needing a to vent, slap myself on the forehead, and hear someone tell me I did the right thing. Then, if he walks I can thank God I didn't waste my time, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 5:31am

I do not know what your religion is and am by no means trying to dismiss your determination to remain celibate before marriage as a strange whim, but as an atheist.... my honest opinion is that to expect a man, ANY man, religious or not, young or old, good or bad, to live without sex for 1-2-3 years just because this is what you insist on and to further expect this man to stick to you rules and remain faithful to you is, at best, VERY.. ambitious. My advice to you would be to think about this, and try and be a touch more flexible, religion or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 7:19am
Hi...I usually just lurk, don't post often but when an issue comes up that I truely feel strong about, I can't hold back. I have a feeling you may be younger than I(38 and have 3 children) and never been married before, is that so? Either way, I truely commend you for holding true to your beliefs, values and morals and the right man will come along who not only respects you for them but will share in them as well. Now about the kiss goodnight, a man who knows he is going to need to show restraint will not tend to start a kiss. And a man who can be in a relationship for 3 years knowing that he isn't going to have sex with a woman until they are married is most likely someone who thought she was the "one". If I were you I wouldn't regret telling him this already, he is now totally aware if all he wants is a quick hookup then he knows to keep looking and you don't invest in any feelings for him and get hurt. And if he does call again for a third date you know it is because he may see some potential there to want to pursue a relationship with you. And if you are going to truely believe in not having sex until you are married you may have to wait for a kiss for awhile, because kissing can lead elsewhere (and it most definately can and even the most inexperienced man knows this). Good luck to you, I again commend you, and admire anyone that has a belief and can stand up for that belief, and one last thing, I admire your straightforwardness (I wish more people in this world could be that way).
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 8:27am

Thank you, momofthree. I'm actually 29 and I have been married. I have two kids and so a lot of people see my new vow of celebacy as pointless. "You've already had sex, what's the problem with doing it again?" Some may even call me a hypocrit. But I don't want to get into a religious discussion, so I'll just say that I am a Christian and this is something I wholeheartedly believe in. I've turned over a new leave, so to speak. And I've struggled with it immensely. Since I have had sex in the past, I know what I'm missing LOL But I made this vow out of love, not duty.

And you are absolutely right. If he does call for a third date, even after I basically told him I won't have sex with him, then he truly is a keeper :) Unless, of course, he's arrogant enough to think he's going to change my mind! And I wanted him to kiss me because I am so attracted to him, so you're right, it is probably a good thing that he's taking it slow.

Thanks for the compliment...being straightforward is often more of a curse more than it is a blessing, though ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 8:33am

As an atheist I would not expect you to understand my religious convictions (I'm Christian), but everyone is entitled to their beliefs. This is not a strange whim, and it is not something I'm insisting on because I want to be stubborn and inflexible. This is something I believe in with everything I am, so I guess what it comes down to is me needing to find a guy who believes the same, or at least respects my beliefs to the point where he doesn't resent me for witholding sex.

I know this limits my choices, but I think it's worth the wait for find someone who meshes well with me and my beliefs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:04am

' I know this limits my choices, but I think it's worth the wait for find someone who meshes well with me and my beliefs' - absolutely. I agree - it would have to be a person whose set of values and beliefs not only matched yours but would be identical to yours. I can tell you that no matter how much I liked/loved/adored/admired/respected etc etc etc a person, I would not and could not accept the 'no s** before marriage' thing no matter how badly I wanted to be with them and how perfect they were in all other respects, so I do wish you luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:04am
Oh my goodness, I never would have imagined. But kudos to you nonetheless. I shared your exact thoughts before I was married but that was 20 years ago. To each is their own. Where I am now is, I don't think I want to get married again (btdt for 18 years). But, I do have a 15 year old daughter who I need to set an example for. She knows I want her to grow up believing in this same concept, she knows I waited for her dad. I personally now don't believe in waiting and that is my personal decision and it works for me, and me alone but she doesn't know this nor will she. What I do and who I do it with only happens on the one night that the kids are at their Dad's. The only person I need to answer to is myself, the first time I felt a little guilty and that is what put an end to that relationship.(No one else made me feel this way it is how I looked upon myself-I have since done alot of self reflection-I no longer have any guilt) I have some very trustworthy good honest friends (who I do not sleep with) and they know that we will only ever be friends so they know not to expect any sex but they are great guys and each of them I totatlly enjoy what it is we have in common and love doing together. As I said before, to each is their own. I won't have sex with just anyone (need to be in an exclusive sleeping relationship) but at this time I haven't met anyone that makes me feel willing to give up my friends for but I do need those feelings of closeness and intimacy at times. I have been honest and straightforward with everyone I have ever met. It has only been a blessing for me. Definately some guys have walked away and I don't hold nothing against them for that, they wanted more than I am willing to give at this time. For whatever reason that you wish to hold true to your celibacy is yours and yours alone and you need not justify or defend it to anyone. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:57am

I too only lurk and needed to jump into this one. I am so impressed with your beliefs and strong desire to do the right thing for yourself!!!! DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT!! Other people who disregard your thoughts, ideas and decisions don't respect you and you need to not waiver on what is important to you.

Telling him upfront was the completely right thing to do. I chose that route for many years. I knew when I was very young that I wanted to be with one man and one man only. When I reached my 40th birthday I knew that I had waited for naught and I was so tired of telling men in their 40's & 50's that I was a virgin. Talk about not calling for a 2nd date. I do not feel like I compromised anything and I've never regretted it. I dated like a man for about 18 months and slept with whomever I felt like and it was quite the learning experience. I loved it actually. But after that 18 month period ended I decided it wasn't for me and have gone back to waiting for the right man. I have had several relationships since which included a healthy sex life. I am currently not in a relationship and do not find the desire to sleep around. It's important to me that I at least maintain a certain amount of dignity not going out and hunting men down only because "I have needs".

I am confident I will find the right man and all will work out for the best. I had good intentions and I am proud myself.

You did the right thing!! If this man does not want to date you again you are right he doesn't deserve you. You will find the right man that will respect your beliefs and never settle for less than that!!

WC

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 11:49pm
Personally I would never marry a woman without having had sex first. I do not have alot of
problem with someone who does, just that it wouldn't be for me. Having been married twice I had sex with both of them before. It's my experience that it answers a pretty MAJOR question about sexual styles. I have had good sex and bad sex. Waiting to get married and finding out that the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is in the bad sex catagory, would be a big downer-and probably lead to another divorce . It can also work that way from the female side-what if he premature ejaculates(i.e. lasts less that 2 minutes), has ED, has expectations outside of regular intercourse, is quite 'small' wants to try S & M, porn movies, role playing-you get the idea. It is your sex life you are playing with for the rest of your life. I think it's admirable you want to wait. But your not a virgin anymore- the thrill of you being the 'first' won't be there for him.