about that Armadillo Armour
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| Sun, 03-06-2005 - 3:39pm |
I remember not too long ago just starting out with OLD, and opening my heart up, and getting crushed. So here I am, more than a dozen first meets later, and a handful of follow up dates, and I appear to now have perma-armadillo armour around my heart. On one hand, this is a good thing, because I almost expect no follow up, and I don't allow my heart to get involved so early on, so hence I haven't really gotten hurt. But, here's the question of the day. Are we setting ourselves up for failure by almost expecting failure? Or, to put it another way, what if we happen across that one "needle in a haystack" of a person, someone with whom we really could potentially hit it off with for a longer term (pardon the word) "relationship" (gasp). And what if, at that time, we have thick armour around our heart, and have learned to not open up. Have we gone too far the other way? Have most OLD'ers become hardened by the OLD process? Are we less risk-takers now, less likely to put our hearts on the line, and more likely to hold back, because we expect no call, etc...? Has the OLD process of being able to NEXT! someone so easily actually reinforced the NEXT!ing process? Are we caught up in a viscious cycle now?
And then, more importantly, when is it okay to let one's guard down, and start to care? After the second real 'date'? Third? months? But then, what if not allowing one's guard down actually RESULTS in the possible 'relationship' not proceeding forward, just because one's guard is up?
JAYME

Yes, I believe that when we expect the worst, we tend to get just that. I think the key is to try to find the positive in the situation rather than to have very low expectations of people.
What if we went into it thinking something like this...here I go off to meet a new stranger. I'm going to use this opportunity to help me fine-tune what it is that I want in my perfect mate. So instead of looking for things to dislike, I'm going to look for things I do like and enjoy those qualities. This person does not have to be "the one" but maybe he might help me clarify what I want in "the one."
I don't know, if we were able to go into in a more light-hearted fashion, maybe we wouldn't be so closed off to potential, nor so hopeful that we end up disappointed.
I have always been disappointed when I walk into it with too much hope attached. And hope is not the same as being open. Hope has attachment. Being in the moment and trying to mine the experience for something positive does not. Easier said than done, but I think it's important to be able to go into with a good attitude or we might as well forget it.
The hardest thing for me is that when I've met someone where I had that spark, which is rare, I automatically started on the hopeful path rather than dealing with what was there in that moment. I started projecting off into the future and that just puts too much pressure on things.
And, to your point, I do think guardedness is not an attractive quality in a person. Neither is someone who is willing to give their heart away online. A nice balance is key, which means taking it all with a grain of salt and remembering that your life has to be full and happy in order to do this and remain sane!!
No, I don't think that having the armour is anything but good...I know for a fact that my armour can be pierced!
As for when to let it down, I'd say that it should be a gradual process, over the first 4-6 months. It takes that long, in my experience, to start to get to know the REAL person, as opposed to the "best foot forward" dating persona. That's why reminding yourself frequently during the first few months that a new guy SEEMS great, but it's early and time will tell, is crucial.
Sheri
I've said before that OLD is the WEAKEST form of attracting potential mates. It's simply another tactic - though probably the least effective one we have to use.
In that respect I do not think it's irresponsible to keep your guard up with OLD.
In the business world I find that what puts food on the table is referrals. People who know of me sending good clients. That is NOT what OLD is like.
In the business world, I find what I *hate* doing is stuff like telemarketing and direct mail. It's a shotgun, often unfocussed approach to business. But really necessary because you can get some valuable business from it. The main problem is that the business you get is usually flaky and the closing ration on these types of leads is terrible. You need to kiss visit a ton of loser prospects to find one good one. Most of them play you for all the free info they can get then they walk away. This I submit is the closest to OLD.
With tactics like telemarketing and direct mail -- I treat the resultin prospects a LOT more warily. If I didn't I'd be spending tons of time on people who probably are never going to buy from ANYONE.
It's all similar to how OLD works. OLD in and of itself is not a very focussed tactic - but it will work. And I think it's entirely appropriate to treat those you meet through it with a healthy degree of skepticism.
I have also developed an exterior that helps to ward off the hurt of rejection and everything that comes along with OLD. Sure some hurt still gets through now and then, but I am human after all....But I have learned to deflect much!
But really, I feel we have to erect somewhat of an armour in our real lives also, even in business as lg said. We have our public and private selves. Can you imagine if we acted totally at work as we do at home, could get us in trouble in more ways than one! (Yet it might also make for a more exciting and fun workplace!!)
After mutually deciding to see eachother exclusively, I would say after a month or two I would feel free to let down the armour some, because if I didn't, then my partner would not be getting to know the "true" me, and what good what that be in establishing a relationship if I all of a sudden changed my personality in say 6 months time? But I don't think I would let it down after only two or three dates. But I can understand your feelings on how this whole process can possibly harden us and might work against us.
I know none of us want to be hurt, but it is a chance we all take in this lovely world of dating. I think when the time is right, even if we have become hardened somewhat from the OLD process or even the traditional dating process, I feel that we can still feel and open ourselves to the possibility of a good relationship when we sense the time is right.
Sunshine