about my son

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
about my son
2
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 5:26pm

This is a delicate question, but I would like some input. My son was hit and killed by a car at the age eight a little over five years ago. I went through hell for quite some time. Even though my grief isn't nearly as deep as it was, I still have moments when something will trigger a memory. I have gotten very good at hiding my grief as someone that has lost a child understands. I don't have it on my profile as at one time I did and received too many strange emails. But at the same time, I want whoever I am interested in to know about him and also I need to know that someone is going to be able to be compassionate about this and not make me feel awkward for talking about him.

So when do you think should I bring this up. I don't know if I should tell someone that I have been emailing for a bit. I want to , but don't want to sound like I am looking for sympathy or that they might think I may have depression problems or anything . But then again, I don't want to deceive them into thinking I have just the one child (my daughter) and I feel really bad not mentioning Mark, I feel like I am not acknowledging him as my son. So what do you think I should do.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: tsue4u
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 8:08pm

First of all, I send you my hugs for experiencing such a tragic loss. As a parent myself, I cannot even fanthom how hard this has been and is for you.

When I have dated, women who share something as deeply personal and significant with me such as a rape or being molested was when we have established a close and trusting relationship. Such information was only revealed after meeting face-to-face.

I do not think you will be deceiving a guy on telling him you have one daughter and not mention your lost son at the time until you have had established a closer, in person relationship. As a guy who is looking to date someone, the reason why I am interested in if the woman has a child, how old, and how many is to best understand what I am getting into insofar as the time and energy she can devote to relationship.

About revealing the number of children and feeling that you are not acknowledging your son... My take is that you know what is true within your heart and acknowledge him regardless what you say or don't say.

Take care
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: tsue4u
Sun, 06-25-2006 - 9:24pm

Oh Tsue! I am so sorry to hear that you have such sorrow to live with. As a parent myself I can't imagine anything worse to have to live through.

As to what to tell your dates, I think a lot depends on how composed you can be when you tell it. If you can say it briefly, without denying your sense of loss but without needing to dwell on it, then there is nothing wrong with telling the guy the first time the subject comes up naturally.

A situation where it might come up naturally would be if you were dating a guy who had a son the age yours was when you lost him or the age your son would be now. At some point you could say simply, "You are so lucky to have your son. I had a little boy who would have been X yrs old now, but he was killed in a car accident." (A woman friend said that to me years ago, when my son was six years old. I did not think she was asking for sympathy, only communicating an important part of her life with a friend.) Or you might fall into a conversation about the difference between raising boys and raising girls, or any other conversation that gives you an opening for saying that your experience of parenting includes the parenting (and the loss) of a very special little boy.

If just mentioning your son makes you fall apart emotionally, then you should probably wait until the guy is ready to share your deepest secrets and feelings. The reason I say this is that the reaction of a lot of people (especially men) to unusual tragedy is confusion. They don't know how to handle it. So if you are very emotional about it (and who could blame you) the guy might not know how to respond and you would both be unhappy as a result.

Bottom line is you have no *obligation* to tell a guy until you are talking seriously and considering a close relationship. However, if you want the guy to know in earlier stages of your relationship, then the trick is to present it as something natural. Of course you grieve. Of course you mourn. (That's not being depressed; that's being human.) So long as you make it clear that your grief doesn't dominate your life, any decent man will understand and respect your loss. And many men will appreciate you more because they will have seen some of your strength and learned about something that has helped shape you into who you are.

Many hugs,

Elsa