Advice Please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Advice Please!!
8
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 12:47am
I think I have found my match in this amazing guy. I have a date set up with another guy on Tuesday night. I don't really want to go any more, but I don't want to close doors or anything. The thing is, that I really like the other guy. And why waste this guys time or money. Besides, it seems a little shaddy to go on a date when I know it isn't going anywhere. But then again, it might. I am so confused. I am afraid of getting hurt. Those who knew me from Ask mr. answer, know that I was dating this guy who I caught going home with random girls from bars. So I learned the hard way that "dating" doesn't mean anything to guys. But something tells me it means something to the guy I like. And I don't want to lie to him. I wouldn't want him doing this. He is one of the guys that took his profile off as soon as he got home from our first meet. He takes it slow and doesn't freak me out. He is so sweet!!! Y'all gotta help me. I am torn. I want to follow my heart, but it is also crunch time to go and cancel a date with a guy same day. But isn't that the right thing to do? Or should I just go? What do I tell the guy I like? If I like him so much, should I give it time and take down my profile? Thanks so much for any advice you can give! I am stuck in a rock and a hard place. So confused!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 1:52am

I would continue to date other people for *at least* a month or so while you are getting to know guy #1. I don't think it's wise to close off your options and date him exclusively so soon. It takes a good 4-6 months of steady dating to even begin to know whether someone is truly right for you, so while I don't doubt that you like this guy, you really have no idea *yet* if he's really amazing or if you just think he is based on the little you know of him so far.

You don't need to tell him you're dating other people, unless he asks. I personally think it's tacky to talk about it unless the other person asks you, and even then I don't give any details (I just say, yes, I am, as I prefer to date someone for a couple months before I decide whether to date them exclusively).

However, if you are uncomfortable with dating more than one person, you're uncomfortable with it. You have to go with what feels right for you. But even if you do cancel the date and take your profile down, I would still urge you to go slowly with the new guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 2:53am
Hi Lollybell,
I can certainly relate to your dilemna. I have to agree with Sheri, it's too soon to put all your eggs in one basket just yet. I made that mistake with both of the OLD relationships I pursued. Too much too soon and they both ran their courses in 2 months. The intensity with which they took off couldn't sustain the momentum and when things sort of slowed down (as they always do) to a more reasonable pace the guys both bailed.
I keep referring to OLD as the ultimate Meet Market and it's a very tricky thing to maneuver. The best thing about it is also the worst...the opportunities.
Trust your instincts and your heart but don't put too much weight on this yet, regardless of whether you choose to date others or focus on this one. I'm also going to put up the red flag alert about him pulling his profile after the first meet. You should be out there meeting those who interest you and maintaining the friendships you've already cultivated so just be aware if he starts in with questions about who you're spending time with. He sounds a little intense... but it sure is nice when someone gives you that kind of attention.
I'd go out with the other guy, if anything it'll reinforce your feelings about #1.
Have fun and be safe.
Chele
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:24am
Thank you guys so much. You are so right, here I go again, meeting some guy and putting everything into it. Which you know, the second I act even more interested he is going to bail!! I think I will give it another two weeks, then decide. I want to be good to him seeing as how we both have similar dating tragedies. He also caught the girl he was dating with someone else. When we were discussing it, he said his heart sank. I understood exactly, and I would never want to do that to someone. So you know I will be asking advice in another two weeks, which I probably know your anwser, but bear with me. I am very young, which makes me a little stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 9:33am

Lolly-


Have you met him yet?

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 10:51am
I have met T, the guy I like. We have spent a lot of time together. I have not actually met, whoa I forgot his name, so we will call him Brian. But T and I have hung out everyday for a least a little bit since our first meet. Last wednesday, except for Thursday (i was on another date). On Sunday evening he actually brought me a bunch of cups for my apartment. I had told him all mine broke in the move. Really cute actually, I mean he was paying attention and all. So I don't know. But I am going on my date tonight for sure. I just kinda don't want to. Brian calls about once every third or so day. We have a date set for tomorrow, and he never actually called to confirm last night. No email, no nada. Is this normal? Whatever. Anyways, I will keep my options open, but I like T alot. We talk all through out the day on im while we are at work, and still have stuff to talk about when we see each other. And as I have said before, I have fun with him even when we are doing nothing at all. Which is rare since I have serious ADD and always have to be doing something.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:03am

Lolly, you'd only be "doing that" to him if you made a commitment to date him exclusively, and didn't keep your word. Unless and until you've expressly made that commitment, he has no right to expect that the two of you are exclusive.

If he presses you about it, I'd say something like, I prefer to take my time and get to know someone for a while before deciding whether to date exclusively.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:16am

Yes, it's normal not to confirm if the time and place are firm...I don't understand the whole idea behind confirming anyway...if I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do it unless I have an emergency and then I'll call and cancel!

FWIW, I really think you need to slow things down with T...seeing each other every day is too much, too soon.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Tue, 08-09-2005 - 11:39am
Yeah, I do need to slow things down. Luckily we will both be out of town this weekend. Randomly, we are going to the same area. He flies out in the evening, me in the morning. Both for work. He hasn't pressed any exclusive talk. But last night I said jokingly "hope you don't run off with any latina hotties in Miami" and he looked at me and smiled and said "you don't have to worry about that". Oops didn't mean it like that neccissarily, I was just joking around. Bad joke I realize. Matbe Brian wants to cancel. Who knows? Thanks for the advice!!! I am taking it to heart. Besides I get bored and burt out everytime I take things too quick. But T is really good at not freaking me out about pushing it. He said on Sunday that when we met on Wednesday, he imidiatly wanted to ask me out again, but didn't want to freak me out. So, I guess he is trying to keep things at a pace. What do you think?