advice please.....profile still active!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
advice please.....profile still active!
7
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 8:02pm

Hi Everyone,
Ok, I will try and keep this as short as possible. I am new to OLD.I decided to try it about 3 and a half months ago. almost immediately I met a great guy. At the time I was dating 5-6 guy's..nothing serious and only one was from the OLD world. As soon as we met it went well and we saw a lot of each other. I removed my profile about 6 weeks after I posted it. Not so much because of the OLD guy more because I just didn't feel like OLD was right for me personally. Gradually, I started telling all the other guys I was dating that I had met someone I really like and I didn't think it would be fair to continue to date them. I finally had it down to two, the on line guy and one other. About 1.5-2 month's into dating the online guy he started referring to me as his "girl friend" and "girl" so we had our first "talk"...I was totally honest and told him I had stopped seeing all but one other guy. He seemed a bit upset. Meanwhile, Mr.online has kept his profile up the entire time and is quite active on the site. I told Mr. online that I was really not much more than friends with the other guy ( which is true) but I still need to deal with him (in person). So, I did...tell the other guy that I valued his friendship but I met someone else that I really like etc....

So, currently I am now just seeing the on line guy and we are almost 3 months into it..but...and this is a BIG BUT....his profile is still up and active! I am not the type to ever tell someone what, when or how to do something. In fact I would think that if you really cared for someone you would remove your profile without any urging. I know he isn't seeing anyone else but this still hurt's my feelings. I wish I didn't have to bring this up at all and he would just take it upon himself to remove his profile. On one hand I don't want to say anything and see what he does in the next couple of weeks. On the other hand I want to say something right away because it is effecting the way I feel about him. I know he probably like's the ego boost and the attention ( we all like that now and then) but I feel like if he were really satisfied with me he would remove it and not need any of the other stuff. Thank you in advance for your opinion's and advice. FW

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 8:44pm

First, I would not even put the fact that he has not taken down his profile on you. Some people are just ego mongers and will keep their ads up even if they have found a person they really like. So do not allow yourself to think it reflects upon you...


I do suggest talking to him. It's not really fair to expect him to not have it up

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 8:45pm

If you've never specifically discussed it and agreed to be exclusive, then he is perfectly justified in keeping his profile up. In fact, if the last conversation you had on the subject was the one where you told him you were seeing someone else in addition to him, then *no wonder* he still has his profile up!

I think your attitude that he should just take it down without a discussion is highly unrealistic and likely to result in disappointment. If you want to be exclusive, you need to let him know that, AND have a discussion of what exclusive means to you (including taking down profiles).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:50pm

I totally agree with Sheri. We women often expect men to read our minds and get all upset and hurt when they don't! Unless you communicate to this guy that you want to be exclusive and have taken your profile down, how can you expect him to know? You can approach it by taking it all on yourself. Tell him that you are no longer dating anyone else and have taken your profile down and ask how he feels about that. If he is excited and happy about it - ask him if he would take his profile down as well. Then you get what you want by actually talking to him instead of through telepathy! ;-)

He DOES have every right to have his profile up until the exclusivity discussion is completely resolved. He thought/thinks you are seeing other guys. Why shouldn't he still be looking for or seeing other girls?




Edited 5/31/2005 10:20 pm ET ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 10:06pm

I agree with the others. The first thing you need to do is talk to Mr. Online. If you want an exclusive relationship with both profiles removed, then you need to tell him. You also need to be prepared for his reaction. If he doesn't want to be exclusive or doesn't want to remove his profile, then YOU need to make a decision about what YOU want in your life.

Oh and be careful about making assumption based on titles, until you've expressly stated what is going on in your relationship. I have a guy friend who when I call him and he answers the phone when he's on a date or hanging out with a girl he tells me he's with "The Girl." Some girls would only hear "The Girl" part and assume they are the only "girl." Unfortunately, he's got about 4 of these "girls" that he's juggling.

Good Luck and let us know what happens...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:55pm
Hi again to all of you and thank you for all the replies. Ok, I understand he's not a mind reader..of course. I did tell him that I am no longer seeing anyone else. I also removed my profile a long time ago. I removed mine not because of him (not completely) more because I just didn't feel it was the right genre for me. We have had the talk about seeing other people, in rather vauge terms though since this is all pretty new. I know that neither of us is seeing other people at the moment. I didn't bring up the profile at that point becuase I just assumed after that conversation that he would remove it. I guess I have to spell it out for him, which I don't love to do. I guess I have been single for long enough that I am not so great at communicating. It just seems to me like he want's to have his cake and eat it too. It also seems strange to me how you can have found someone that you seem to really like and still be so actively looking. Is the grass always greener? I appreciate all the imput, thank you. I am going to talk to him about it next time I see him. Stay tuned....FW
Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:51am

<< It also seems strange to me how you can have found someone that you seem to really like and still be so actively looking. Is the grass always greener?>>

You've hit the nail on the head, regarding one of the biggest problems with Online Dating- at least in my opinion. But that is a discussion for another time.

I'm glad you've decided to talk to him about this. Even if you don't get the answer you want, at least you've recognized that communication is one of your weak spots. (We all have them, I'm not picking on you.) And now you can work on it to make either this relationship or the next one a better, more open one.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 2:25am

I don't agree that the fact that he's still active online necessarily means anything about the grass being greener. Your relationship is still very new, and you haven't agreed to date exclusively. He's being smart, IMO, to keep his options open until you've known each other longer so that he has a better idea of your compatibility, and you've explicitly agreed to date exclusively.

Of course, that *could* be the case, but you shouldn't jump to conclusions based solely on the fact that his profile is still active.

Sheri