After the meet

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
After the meet
11
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 6:09am

Someone brought up an interesting point in the "ghosting" discussion.

What do you do after the meet if you feel there isn't any potential?

I've never done anything - I don't send out an email. I generally try to get the feel during the meeting and if the other person doesn't seem into it then I just don't think an email is needed.

The only time I've contacted people is if I've wanted to go out again? Am I alone in this process?

BTW, this is another reason I don't think it's wise to get a regular email discussion going - because if you meet and don't connect it's awkward when the emails suddenly stop..

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:43am

I don't know! I think I liked it when the one dude sent me a really nice email saying how we were perhaps the right people at the wrong time, etc... damm I should've saved that. It was very well written. Better than ghosting IMO. I'm really getting sick of ghosting!

There's an example in HJNITY about when the girl stopped writing or calling, she just never heard back. I think I'm finding out that I'm definitely the type who likes a cordial "good bye", something like: "you're really nice but it isn't the right time" or even just say that there's no chemistry.... something like that.

Unless, sometimes in an embarrassing situation both parties mutually ghost, and that's probably okay IMO.

Whatever happened with the chick from last week? The one who was struggling, and you had to carry the conversation? Did you reconnect?

or did you ghost on her, Mr. hottie? ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:46am

I actually had two last week. One stared at me which I took as a negative. The other told me how great it was to be out with me because it was just like being out with her friends. I took that as an early LJBF signal. Haven't been in touch with either.

I don't get back in touch with anyone who doesn't seem interested at the initial meeting. If they come off as ambivalent then I don't think any followup is really required.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:57am

hmmm. I wonder if I come across as ambivalent.

I remember after my very first first-meet, NGOL commented that I could have been coming on too friendly, so I took a step backwards (maybe more like a leap). I wonder if I come across as too cool now.

What's your def of ambivalent?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:36am
I don't do anything either, unless he emails or calls wanting to see me again. If I've definitely decided that I don't want to see them again, I'll tell them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:14am

>>What's your def of ambivalent?

Not being talkative or asking questions.
Not smiling or appearing to have a good time.
Looking at your watch.

Oh, you also need to match your profile. I had one first meet with a pro-dater who didn't match her profile at all. By that I mean she was REALLY cute. But she talked all about how family oriented she was in her profile -- then when we met it turns out she couldn't stop talking about how often she gets sitters so she can go out and do this or that with her friends.

I've been divorced long enough that I'm not looking to re-enter the court battles of others - so I'm ideally matched with someone who is at least neutral with their ex. A few of my dates have been embroiled in custody battles and that has been a huge turnoff.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:15am

C-

I would say based on my experience that this is what most women will do. I think I had one person actually email me within a few hours after the meet. The rest seem to wait for the guy to followup. This is where I think OLD turns traditional (after the first meet).

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:16am

If you're not interested in them, then that approach works. But if you are, then you should call or email and ask them out again. Rightly or wrongly, we women are TRAINED, practically from birth, to not show too much interest or you'll "scare him off". I personally don't buy it, but old habits die hard...if, at the end of the meet, the guy doesn't say anything that indicates he had a good time and wants to do it again, *I* sure as heck am not going to!!!

As for the 2nd woman, I'd say that was an indication of how comfortable she felt with you...a GOOD thing.

Sheri




Edited 3/9/2005 10:17 am ET ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:17am

OMG what's a prodater? OMG, would 15 dates in 2 months qualify? that's it I'm taking a break. I just wanted someone to do fun things with!!!

phew, never look at the watch. dont even wear one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:24am
Well I got the feel this woman was a pro. We only had a first meet but she timed it out perfect to like 30 minutes. The conversation was good - but I just got that feeling that the profile didn't match the person and I don't have a ton of free time to play dating games. I'm probably not a good example of how most guys act. That's just what goes through my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: lg1964
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:34pm

Good heavens, don't be taking advice from ME about being too ambivalent! LOL

I have been told in the past that I didn't seem too "into" a gal after the first meet, and that they were surprised when I called for a second date/meeting. But then again, I think there are definitely people who try too hard to be super-friendly and open, and instead just come off looking like the desperate-for-anyone types.

It's a hard balance to strike.

Getting back to what LG asked, though, and the heart of the thread... I think that the best thing is to simply TELL THE TRUTH. In fact, I don't know why it's so hard for us- probably because we all have a strong streak of that "If it's bad news I don't want to hear it" idea.

I mean, look at the "do you answer every email" debate. That's what it boils down to- would you rather hear the truth so you know what's up, or would you rather not hear it?

Either way, it's about dealing with rejection.

I think the reason we hate having to send the "I'm not interested" email or say (via email, or in person, or on the phone) to someone after a first meeting "I don't think I want to see you again" is because we are empathic creatures.

Whether we want to or not, we're putting ourselves into their shoes and feeling bummed on their behalf. Nobody particularly likes to hear that message, eh?

All that said... I've become a firm believer that the best way in the long run is to simply tell the truth. Be caring, be kind, but be honest. Don't have to tell the whole truth; it's probably better to stick with "We're just not a match" than to say "in person, your laugh sounds like a hyena and every time you lauged I wanted to puke".

The reason I believe it's better to tell the truth and be honest is because I have found that when someone does that to me, I wind up being able to "close the book" and "move on" quicker and easier. It might sting more in the beginning, but the pain is more brief and it's time for...

NEXT!

Watch some of the threads in here. We complain about many things, often for very good reasons, but one thing that seems to be in common is that we can hang on to some of these negative feelings for too darned long.

Well, better to get it done quickly and be open and ready for the next good thing sooner!

Sooooo... just tell the truth.

Besides, it's easier to remember than lying and it's nicer than ghosting.

Pages