An Age Old Question
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An Age Old Question
| Tue, 07-19-2005 - 11:25pm |
When I meet someone IRL from online, we typically go out to dinner. When the bill arrives, I usually offer to help pay(go Dutch, etc). Some of the guys take me up on this offer and others do not to which I tell them thank you and graciously accept.
Are guys put off by a woman offering to pay? Are they more apt to think that I am not interested in dating them and it is more of a friendship thing if I offer to pay?
I have thought about just allowing them to pay, not offer when the bill arrives and just graciously accept, but I am not comfortable in doing so.

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Well, I tell all my guy friends that when a woman offers to pay, it's most likely because she's not interested in him romantically, so, yeah, there may be a *few* men out there who might be thinking that!
Seriously...I don't know how old you are, but for most women I know in my age group, that's definitely the message we are trying to send.
But, you need to do what you feel most comfortable with. I personally like to be wooed a little at the beginning, and find going dutch COMPLETELY unromantic, so that wouldn't work for me, but everyone's different.
Sheri
"I guess I just always felt really awkward just sitting there expecting my date to pay."
I'm like that, too.
I've always felt that offering to pay, when you would judge the guy badly for accepting your offer, isn't a completely honest thing to do--someone should be able to take you at your word. So I don't offer unless I sincerely WANT to pay. I generally will reciprocate by treating on, say, the 4th date or so. Once I am in a relationship, we usually take turns paying.
Sheri
An age old question....but a good one.
Mainly with OLD, I tend to offer because usually the first meeting is a "meet and greet" and if it is going well and we decide to extend and grab something to eat or whatever, I will offer to pay my portion. Most of time the guy will usually take care of the tab. If he doesn't, I too don't have any ill-feelings.
Now IRL or OLD (with exception to the above), I will NOT offer unless I extended the invite for dinner, or whatever event. During the dating progresses with the same person, there will be many times I will purchase tickets, etc.
I have plenty friends who REFUSE to pay for anything -- regardless if they like the guy or not! They are of the mindset that if they are going out with a man, that he should pay for EVERYTHING! I had one friend who went to dinner with a guy and he paid but he had a "Buy One/Get One Free" Coupon and she dumped him because she didn't think their first date should have been a "coupon" date. Of course, she also wants her men to be bi-lingual (she's not). She is still single! Wonder why? (LOL) I have NEVER understood this concept -- sitting at a 5-star restaurant with a man that I have no interest in. For me it's not about the meal, but prefer to spend my time with company I enjoy!
Anyay, most men and have been told so, prefer when a woman offers, shows I'm considerate, not all about the $$$$. Offering doesn't make them think I'm not interested or just seeking a friend.
Funny, I'm still the kind of gal that if he opens the car door and I get in, I automatically lean over to open his side of the door. I know there are automatic locks (LOL) but it's just an automatic gesture on my part.
Mainly men can see that I'm considerate and caring (heck they have bills too) and for me it's not about how much money he is spending on the date that keeps me interested but the company, chemistry (w/conversation) that is being shared.
With that being said, and was taught this growing up and still practice it, I will NOT go on a date if I have NO MONEY!!! Just like to be prepared -- never know what could happen!
I've never understood the concept of accepting a guy paying for you when you're not interested in him. When I was watching "Hooking Up" last week, and that one woman left the aging hippie dude in the middle of dinner, I was like, "I can't believe she didn't leave money to cover her half!!!"
Sheri
I always try to work that out in advance. And frankly, I've found you can tell a lot about a man by how that conversation goes. (How smooth can he bring up the subject, etc.)
This past weekend, I met a man. When he asked me out, and we were discussing where/when to meet, he said "well, since I'm paying, I think I should get some say." We hadn't discussed payment yet, and I'd been encouraging him to give some input, so that statement took me aback. I realize it was his way of trying to answer that question in advance (he's new to OLD), but it shocked me. I said it wasn't necessary, he insisted, and I agreed, saying I would pay "next time".
My general rule of thumb: "let's meet for" = dutch; "I'd like to take you/may I take you/anything with the word 'I'" = person asking pays. Oh, and even when I think he "should" be paying based on the rule, I still offer (until I know the person well enough not to -- my best friend and I just alternate who pays, so the other never offers, etc.)
I hate "letting" anyone else pay for me. It makes me VERY uncomfortable.
But it's just one of the many things about "dating" that makes me uncomfortable.
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I completely agree. I have heard women say that they will offer to pay, but then if a guy accepts their offer, they won't go out with him again. I have never understood that mentality. Why would you OFFER to do a favor for somebody, and then when the person says okay to your offer, you hold it against them? If it really bothers you to do something, then you shouldn't offer.
That true, but she was probably so upset and freaked out about his looks and his mannerisms. That guy was really weird -- and like her, I probably would have been focused on getting the heck out of there that she didn't even think about leaving her share. LOL
One thing I have noticed is if a guy doesn't offer to pay on the first date, he's not interested and I'll never hear from him again. I have yet to be proven wrong on this one.
However, on most (I'd say 95%) of my first meets, the guy pays and it most definitely is no guarantee he'll call again.
I've been dating a guy for 5 weeks and he usually pays but I like to offer because I feel funny about him paying all the time. He has two dogs so I'm thinking of buying the pooches some fancy doggie biscuits at a gourmet pet bakery in my neighborhood (people around here have way too much money :). I think he'd appreciate it, I know the dogs would, and I'd feel better about all the money has spent on our dates.
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