An Age Old Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
An Age Old Question
22
Tue, 07-19-2005 - 11:25pm

When I meet someone IRL from online, we typically go out to dinner. When the bill arrives, I usually offer to help pay(go Dutch, etc). Some of the guys take me up on this offer and others do not to which I tell them thank you and graciously accept.

Are guys put off by a woman offering to pay? Are they more apt to think that I am not interested in dating them and it is more of a friendship thing if I offer to pay?

I have thought about just allowing them to pay, not offer when the bill arrives and just graciously accept, but I am not comfortable in doing so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 1:33pm
I always offer some money when the bill arrives, I don't feel comfortable assuming that they will pick up the tab, I'd prefer if they do when in the initial stages of dating but I'm fully available to pay when I offer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 1:48pm

Sheri, I was thinking the same thing!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 1:50pm
ic, that's a GREAT idea!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 4:04pm
Every time I offered to pay is when I didn't want to see thay person again :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 6:34pm
You sound so much like me! I always bring money on a date.I do the same thing with opening the door from the inside too.
I feel like it's just being considerate as well and have felt that my dates saw it that way as well. Money doesn't impress me either. Though, I wold like them to be able to support themselves, just as I am able to support myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 6:39pm
O.k. I feel I must defend myself. I can see where you're coming from, and I guess I never really viewed it as dishonest. I believe I'm a very honest person. I genuinely offer to pay and have gone out again if they have accepted it. I guess I do expect, but prepare otherwise, for him to pay on at least the first date. I had a boyfriend years ago that came whining to me about a new gf he had that didn't pay like I did. If it's someone Ihave no romantic interest in, a just friends thing, I insist on paying my share so there is no confusion that it's not a date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 10:31pm

Thank you to those of you that have shared your thoughts and opinions. I guess I will continue to offer to pay on the first date. I am 30 years old, established in my career, make a decent salary, and I feel uncomfortable just sitting there while they pay the bill without at least offering.

Once we begin dating on a regular basis, I am comfortable switching off where I will pay one night and he takes care of the next.

After going out the first time, I usually send an email letting them know that I enjoyed myself so hopefully that will let them know that I am willing to go out again and that my offering to pay wasn't meant as an indicator that I am not wanting to see them again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 07-21-2005 - 2:57pm

I think it depends on the person and it seems to be an age thing also. I notice the 20 and 30 something ladies offer to pay their half, where the 40 and above ladies were mostly raised with guys paying and that is what I am comfortable with. Yet I know there are also 40 and above ladies whopay their half also.

With my last 5 month relationship, he usually paid unless I had money out ahead of time tucked in my hand to give to the ticket agent for a movie or something before he could get his wallet out. But then he'd try to give me the money! He didn'tlike when I paid at all. So I bought some things that were of interest to him, ordered some aviation coffee mugs since he loved to fly and some great candles, since he had none, to name a few things over the five months.

He really appreciated the little things I'd pick up here and there and I always made sure to thank him every time we went out and he paid. He was also one to continue to open the door for me which I liked.

But any meet that I've been on with a new guy, all have taken the bill as soon as it arrives and paid it without hesitation (guys from 36 to late 40's). Yet I always make sure to have money with me when I go to a meet just in case I need to pay. But I think everyone should do what they feel comfortable with.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 5:43am

Tsteph...i totally agree with you and your methods in etiquette and mindset (bravo).

Remember the custom of the man paying comes from the fact that in not too distant history...before 40 years ago or so...most women didnt work...hence it was expected males pay...women didnt have any money! should you bankroll everything always? of course not. I get disgusted by women who expect to be paid for 100% of the time without fail. Talk about high maintenance or spoiled girlfriends for that man's future.

Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 6:01pm

Well, I think I'm somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to this topic. I will insist on paying for at least the first several dates, if not longer.

I guess it doesn't hurt for the woman to offer to pay out of politeness, but I agree with what some of the women said -- if he accepts your offer, don't get mad. After all, you did offer. :-)

I have had some women offer and others not. I don't mind at all either way. It's nice when a woman does, because it shows she does not expect the guy to pay, but if she doesn't offer then I understand she's probably just more traditional like myself and it's a given that the man should get the tab.

One note: I do agree that it can make a guy think his date isn't very interested when she offers. Going dutch would probably feel like a "friend" thing to do, not like a date.

Just my 2 cents,

Eric