Alcoholics?

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
Alcoholics?
12
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 8:39am

I mentioned this on my dating diary, but I wanted some feedback here. Since this issue can be found either online or offline when dating, I put it here.

Anyway, I've kind of stumbled upon a guy I'm interested in. The rub is that he's in AA, sober for 2 years. He physically cannot drink alcohol anymore, so he doesn't really battle his demons anymore (so he says) & is a sponsor for someone else.

Anyway, would this be a dealbreaker for anyone? Other than that, that's the only caveat I've encountered with him so far. I'm feeling that it shouldn't keep me from meeting him in person, but I should keep my eyes open if it proceeds from there.

Thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 8:41am
What are your feelings towards alcohol? Are you a drinker yourself?
Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 8:55am
I come from a Catholic family, so I like a glass of wine on occasion. My bar hopping days are over, though. To be honest, all 3 of my serious relationships have been with men who either didn't drink or very little, so I'm kind of used to it. John still plays bass in a band in various bars & clubs, so he's used to being around it & not drinking, so he said he has no trouble with others drinking. I've just never been around someone in AA, so this scares me a little, but since it was a physical necessity that he stop, rather than a behavioral one for the most part, should I take him at his word until he proves otherwise?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:39am
I'm an alcoholic myself. Sober for 5 years. What I would look for are some of the things you've already mentioned. Does he go to AA regularly? Does he sponsor? Has he finished working the 12 steps? (If he sponsors he probably has.) Someone like this can actually be a very good partner because he's done a lot of self-searching and obviously had a good deal of self-discipline plus cares about others enough to want to sponsor. Also, sponsorship is a great way to help yourself while helping others. You might want to check out Al-Anon. This group is for friends and families of alcoholics and will give you some real insight into the disease and its recovery. I would continue to see him with one caveat - if he ever so much as drinks one drop of alcohol then say good bye.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:47am

Hmmm...that sounds a little dubious to me...like he doth protest too much. If he stopped for physical reasons, why did he need AA at all then? As someone with 11 years sobriety, that just doesn't sound right.

Also the fact that it came up before you even met and he gave you way TMI (IMO)...again, that makes it seem like he's not matter of fact about it but is defensive.

Aside from that, what is it you're concerned about? That he would start drinking again?

Sheri

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:55am

Well, actually, I brought up the AA since his signature quoted a "step" & the only place I heard had steps like that was AA. So, I asked him if that was from AA & if he was in it. Then he told me the story. I also asked if he had a problem being around alcohol at all (my family drinks pretty freely at events/get together) & he then related the reason he went to AA. He's not going to drop dead from one drink, but he got to the point where his liver was at a crossroads...if he kept drinking he'd need a transplant in the near future, but if he stopped it could rebound (the liver is an amazing organ). So, he stopped & joined AA. That's his story, & it may be the truth. I don't have any proof that it's a lie, but when you are first getting to know someone, all you have at that point is their word. That's why I'm asking from anyone else's experience.

I admit, I'm a recovering pill popper. I was addicted to Demerol in college (long story) so I have no room to judge. I just want to know what to look for from anyone who has been there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:06am

I think you're approaching this just fine and I also agree that calling someone a liar right off the bat is not fair until they deserve it.

When are you going to meet him?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:09am

Hmmm...it sounds to me like he's not really comfortable with his sobriety, but that's just my take on it.

I'm still not clear on what exactly it is you're concerned about, however.

Sheri

Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:14am
I'm not terribly concerned, just curious more than anything. As an addict, I know I was not a walk in the park to date while I was using. However that was 10 years ago & nearly 10 years since I've even been tempted or had an urge. I've just never encountered this scenario before, so I thought using the experience of others might be a good thing.
Avatar for travkitty
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2003
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:16am
The full story, including background, is in my dating diary now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
In reply to: travkitty
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:22am
I hope it goes well on Thursday night! I think he's definitely worth a shot.

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