An all-time low

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
An all-time low
11
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 7:53pm

hi,
i feel like i've reached an all-time low with regard to dating. a little background: i'm 37, never married, a few serious relationships, a lot of not-so-serious dating. i'm on match and continue to have disappointing, bizarre experiences. out of about 7 guys i've gone out with recently, i've liked 3. the first one was a huge handful and very needy and negative. the second one seemed great, but disappeared after 2 dates. recently i had another good date with someone and we were supposed to go out tomorrow night, but he had to cancel. he told me he wanted to be honest with me. he said he really wants to see me again, but screwed up and had ANOTHER date tomorrow night that he forgot about. i don't think he was even going to call and tell me. i have just hit a wall with dating. i know the answers -- take a break, stop looking, etc. but the truth is, when i stop looking/trying, nothing happens. i want to meet someone. i don't need to get married -- i just want a boyfriend and i don't want to have to pretend that i don't. to add insult to injury -- i've called the first guy (the needy, negative one) a few times and he doesn't return my calls. i know i'm just calling him for attention and i know that's wrong. but now on top of everything else, i feel like a total fool. just need some encouragement/advice/something...

thanks...neppi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 8:03pm

I totally understand what you're going through as I've gone through it too. I wish I could snap my fingers and take it away, but I can't.


I know you want a boyfriend, yet at the same time I want to caution you. If you set your sights on a boyfriend, it may be possible that the guys you go out with don't have the freedom to be themselves. I know that has happened to me. At one point I was so focused on having a boyfriend that I scared away most of the guys I met. For me, what has worked it building on the relationship I have with myself. I know it sounds like it's going towards that "take a break" bit, but honestly, that's what I believe helps.


Think about it... you're running after a guy that you're not all that interested in. Most people (dating or otherwise) are attracted to people who are just happy with themselves and give off that feeling of knowing who they are and what they're worth, regardless of who they're with.


OLD (OnLine Dating) is something that we all need to take a break from at times. Let me ask you this and I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear: Is there anything on your list of "I would love to know/do that..." that you could pick up in the meantime? Rather than focusing on the guys, focus on you. And then I bet that guys will swarm you like

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 8:11pm

hi bklynchik,
thanks for your post. i know you're right about being attracted to what we want in ourselves -- i guess i don't really know how to foster that in myself. i sometimes stop and analyze myself and try to figure out what i feel like i'm missing in myself, but then if i meet someone i like, it's easier to get caught up in that. you're 100% right -- i have to figure out a way of really committing to myself and building up my life without being distracted by wanting to date/worrying that i'm getting older, etc. i think so much of it is programming -- that women need male attention, that we should be coupled off, etc. how have you gotten past all that brainwashing?

thanks. i really do appreciate your advice -- it's a big help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 8:36pm

<>

Wow, kind of had an "aha!" moment when I read that . . .

I think there's some truth in that statement.

Here I go overanalyzing again. :)

Meade

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 8:59pm
i agree. boy this is hard work. maybe arranged marriages were the way to go... ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 10:17pm

<< think so much of it is programming -- that women need male attention, that we should be coupled off, etc. how have you gotten past all that brainwashing? >>


I know! It's hard to not fall into that trap. We do need attention but I think the trick is to realize our own attention is more important. Take it one day at a time. What I suggest is to make a list of all the thing you want to do with your life. THen organize those things into what you can do in the next months/years... Then whatever you can accomplish in the next few months, start working on it!


Does that make sense?


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 10:31pm
yes, it makes total sense. it's a great idea. i'll get started tomorrow -- have a good book to read tonight!
thanks :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 11:36pm
Hi Neppi,
When was the last time you did something really nice for yourself? Maybe go to the bookstore and buy whatever catches your eye that has NOTHING to do with dating...a manicure or a pedicure, buy a new movie? It sounds like it's time to be good to you. You need to replenish all of the energy that you have put into this dating game...take care.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 2:30am

Hi Neppi,

I too can relate to how you feel. I recently left yet another abusive relationship that I got into because although I wanted to be with someone, I couldn't stand the pressure of dating! Go figure. So now I'm trying a new tack. I don't know anything about your background but I've been reading a book about Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs, you don't even have to have had a parent who was an alcoholic, just a grandparent, etc.) and one called "Dangerous Relationships". I'm learning that so much of my desire to please others, particularly men, stems from my childhood. I remembered that I couldn't have anyone new in my life and if I did, they immediately had to become assimilated to the family system. It reflects on my dating in that I feel I need immediate acceptance or rejection, nothing in-between. But of course, in-between is what dating is all about.

I'm also learning how to avoid potentially abusive relationships by recognizing the warning signs early on. So often I think that our lack of objectivity is because we weren't free to choose before. It can really help to educate oneself and try to break those patterns. So before I get into dating again, that's what I'm going to try to do.

I don't know if this helps or if it's really on-topic, but I figured offering my experiences couldn't hurt. Good luck with everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 10:45am
hi golightly,
that's really interesting. i agree with the feeling of needing to be instantly accepted or rejected. it's almost unbearable sometimes not to feel secure in something. here's the thing -- i was in therapy for a while and have read a lot of relationship books and sort of decided that i was done with all that. not because it didn't help, but because i had invested all the energy i wanted to in "fixing" myself. but i still find myself struggling with the whole thing, so i guess i have some more work to do. i'll check out those books. thanks for your post -- i really appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 12:50pm
I know what you mean about wanting to be done with all that. The thing I finally realized is that therapy can be about a lot of different issues. It does take a lot of energy! That's why I've finally decided to educate myself as much as I can about dating, domestic abuse issues, child abuse, etc. and if I do go back into counseling, I'll ask for what I want. Best.

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