Aloof; games; not always available
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| Tue, 01-31-2006 - 12:50pm |
OK Ladies,
I have read a few books the past week i.e. Smart Love by Dr. Phil (NWW's favorite, j/k), Why Men Love Bitches and dusted off my "Mars and Venus on a date book"......
They all say the same thing, that men like the chase, the hunt and will value you more if they have to work for it.
The one thing in Dr. Phils book which I finally read NWW, is that men need to feel needed and if you're too independent they feel you may not need them. I'm at a point in my life where things are going really well again, a new apartment, great car and a new job where I will be doing even better financially..... so this book is saying if the man knows this he won't feel he has anything to bring to the table - I think that's a load of crap or is it? Thoughts ladies???
But one thing they all say is even if you are available to not always be. My motto is to live your life and if you're free great and if you're not you're not.
Thought this would make a good post as I have friends who say all relationships have some sort of game in the beginning. Even if they call or email to wait a little bit before returning the call or email.
SP

I'm still on the reserve list at the library for Dr. Phil's book so I haven't read it yet ;-), but I did look at it when I was killing time at the airport recently. I thought for sure he said something in that section about men needing to feel needed financially (and it was just a page if I'm recalling correctly) about "immature men" thinking that way. Am I not remembering that right?
As for the artificial unavailability thing, I'm with you. My schedule is such that I'm not always available, but I'm not going to pretend I'm not when I am!
Sheri
The only 'game' I engage in regularly is to not always reply right away. Even
I agree w/Dr. Phil and have experienced it first hand several times. This weekend I participated in a Relationship Potluck and most of the men there stated that they don't have a problem with a women who is financially set but the issue comes from their feelings of inadequacy and/or fear of failure. Meaning their character (or self-esteem)is weak, although they state they appreciate a financially independent women, the bottom line (and based upon maturity) if they have not met their own financial goals or expectations, then eventually it becomes a problem.
Of course, the next topic was "could a woman date a man who made less money!" The women of the group stated "yes" but faced the issues noted above -- mainly due to their self-esteem.
I don't know the answer or what the solution is, and nowadays women are getting the high-powered jobs, making the money; so unless a man has a real strong sense of self (and character) than that rare breed can handle a financially independent woman.
Well, what do you do to get a guy to chase you?
Am I suppose to look aloof and unavailable? Seriously? They'd automatically think I wasn't interested. Or taken.
(I'm thinking here) If there's a guy I like I show him lots of attention then when I see him next be more aloof?
I tend to believe that being "aloof" and acting disinterested insures that a guy isn't likely to ask you out. I don't know about the rest of you, but while I think I'm a decent looking woman, never making any effort or showing any interest and thinking some guy you like will just ask you out because he knows you has not ever worked for me. I still believe most guys want to know that the girl might say "yes" if he does ask her out--that is where doing some flirting might work. I don't think a woman should do all the chasing, but to never ask a guy out to lunch because the man is "supposed" to do all the chasing will not guarantee that he will ask you out either. Sometimes we risk it in order to see if anything develops.
I don't agree with some of the advice in a lot of these "self-help" dating books. I don't think you should have to play games in order to get a guy interested in you or ask you out. When you're older and in the dating game, those "games" are quite juvenile in my opinion. I don't think a woman should play hard to get if she's interested in someone. Same with the man. If he's interested and says he'll call, then he should do as he says he'll do. I think there needs to be a chapter on people who simply don't know how to keep their word. A lot of posts on this board are about a guy who lacks common, basic rules of etiquette. It's the same story with different people. The guy doesn't keep up his end of the deal, even if it was he who initiated the contact.
Dating sites where the members "claim" to want real relationships but are not willing to expend the time or effort to actually get to know someone through the site don't usually help in reassuring us that there is anyone out there for us. If someone doesn't meet all of their criteria, they are quick to discard someone thinking someone better will be around the corner.