Am I (are we?) "too nice"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Am I (are we?) "too nice"?
15
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:01pm

HI Ya'll,

I am getting an idea that I must be "too nice"! We had a discussion about this at work yesterday, and people were 50/50 on it. Some of the men say they want a woman who is 'sweet' and not a *itch, others say that if you seem TOOO easy going, then your are like 'easy prey' and will not be intersting, so men move on. Case in point, I have one girl pal who hangs up on her bf ALL the time--and he calls Right back! hrrghhh?!

Last guy asked me what was "difficult" about me...and I LOL! Not mucho, pal! I said that I could be a brat when I wanted something (like for us to eat Italian, as that is what I wanted)but...I would find ways to be charming and get my way, but he would Surely enjoy the Trip! He even remarked that his "last girlfriend did not understand at all"...when we had to raincheck our Saturday night date, as his work kept him til 10, and I worked early the next day, so did he. But..not a Peep from him since Then!(3 days!) Why for not?

I agree that some people not only look accessible and open to talking and listening, but they can put people at ease with their warm ways. That is how I am seen, and I am proud to be known that way! Somehow, that translates into "walk all over me,Please....with Spikes"...to men I date!

Oh, and Trust me...on Planet Cupcake, it is Truly "fool me once, my mistake-fool me twice, Your mistake". I can and will open a case of whoop-*ss from the Bottom end and walk away with a cute smile flung over my shoulder, and they will be "tore up from the floor up!".

Never Cross A Cupcake!

Truly,
Cupcake

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:07pm

Nah, Cupcake....

I'm a first class B.I.T.C.$ Just ask my mother! LOL!

ABM

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:09pm

Well...do you really want to be with someone who prefers that type of woman? I personally think there's something not quite right about a guy who *likes* it when his gf hangs up on him, or who wants a gf who's "difficult".

So, no, I don't think you're "too nice" (so long as you have and enforce healthy boundaries)...an emotionally healthy man will appreciate you just the way you are, and the ones who are not healthy can keep moving!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:25pm

True That Y'all,

Ok, things like this...I had not heard from New Man wince last Saturday at 10pm, no text, emails or calls. I also noticed that he has been inactive 3 days on Match--means nada, I know. I decided to text him a smile about a joke we have about his golf playing...just because I AM a brat and I wanted to! My theory is that he is on to a BBD (younger, 'enhanced assets'.,whatEver...knock ya self out!), and so has not called. Me? i have 3 new ones in the works and I am going to a cool sports thing tommorrow night with one of them, first date.(Tall Guy)

So, I text, and he calls me back about 10 minutes later and says he is busy with work, but wanted to call and touch base and as soon as he is done with what is at hand, he will call back. I said "ok, sounds great, ttyl"...but, really, I care less if he calls back...and that is His fault! So, I see yall's point: if I was holding on to what he said for dear life, I am a moron and you might as well write "Welcome" on my forhead, I am a doormat. But, since I could give a rat's posterior....

what he don't know won't hurt him..... ;)

"Fool me once...."

But, does anyone else find themselves acting this way at times?

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:27pm
There is a big difference between being nice and being a doormat. Sometimes the first word is confused with the latter. In normal relationships, you will have differences of opinion and it's okay to share those. That's not about being "nice", that's about being an confident adult who has healthy boundaries. Often, women are seen as bitchy if they're not completely willing to subjugate their needs for their partner. Think about the "nice" guy. He gets that moniker because often times he's just a wee bit too accomodating. And, in the end, you don't respect him and who gets hot for someone they don't respect? It's the same thing with women. Personally, I would much prefer someone who stands up to me than someone who is just too accomodating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:47pm
Paradox- men that I am not attracted to and being bitc* to follow me around, to the point of stalking me but men that I am attracted too and being nice to – use it and move on.
I know that I am a “feelings person” and I suspect it is hurting me.
I really don't like playing games and usually say what I mean. Many people say the same but don't live up to their words. I am also notorious for not following the “dating rules”.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:51pm
The dating rules are actually quite wise - most of them of course. It's not about playing games really. It's about creating the *appropriate* amount of intimacy at the appropriate stages of courtship. They're difficult to follow when we just click with someone, but that is when they're most neccessary!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 6:55pm
makes total sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 8:36pm

I am very uncomfortable with the "nice person finishes last" attitude some people have. I think it's a crock to say the reason a person got dumped was because he/she was "too" nice. What this does is give the person the right to be not-nice to others, because in their bitterness they decide there's nothing in it for them to be nice.

A garbled sentence for sure! But do you know what I'm trying to say?

I'm not "too" anything, just myself. I admit when things get hard, my baser thoughts betray me. But I bounce back pretty quick. I would seriously rather be a nice, kind and mannerly person than anything else.

No one is a doormat because they are nice, either. They are a doormat because they spend their life bartering with people to get what they want instead of keeping to their personal standards.

cupcake , don't let the idiots change you one iota! That Bridget writer stole this from me but -- you are all great, just the way you are.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 10:32pm

Hi Cupcake,

I think I can be too nice also, at least my youngest sister tells me this! She is 34, single, no kids, and guys flock to her - all ages!

She is a total Bi*@# to them! She doesn't return their calls, talks mean to them and is cutting at times (yes we've gone out together so I've seen her in action), yet the men laugh it off and continue talking to her, yet I notice she keeps a smile going throughout all of this. She always has guys interested in her.

So it makes me question my "niceness" at times! Yet I would rather be known as a nice person than the other, but I wish I could manage to learn to be somewhere in the middle! I do think if we are too accomodating with these guys, they do take advantage of us. In another thread we were talking about guys going for needy women because it makes them feel important, they also seem to go for the Bi$@*$@ also....???? I guess it's that challenge thing.

Oh yeah, another thing my sister swears by, never give out too much info and remain somewhat mysterious. Give them morsels at a time so they want more...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:14pm

Hi SS,

She is right in a lot of ways, especially the 'mystery' part! I read an article on dating recently, about how to get someone very interested in you. See them a lot in the beginning, and then...be inaccesible--out of pocket! Make them miss you! I have to agree, as it seems that men will take your presence or availability for granted, at times!(women too, I know!) I have had them not call me for 4 days, and I think they have vaporized. Then, come Wedneday night, they start calling to ask me out for the weekend, and are Totally surprised when I say my weekend plans are Made...done deal. "Really?! Friday and Saturday?". Yeppers, both days, so learn to call earlier. It is not gaming, it is what/is what!

I rarely dime out much information. If they call and leave a message, I almost Never say why I could not answer, where I was, or where I Am, currently. My favorite saying is "I have plans"....to them, they think it means another man...but it might not!

My problem lately is someone who starts talking deep-dish from the 2nd date about going to Mexico to the beach, teaching me to play pool, renting certain movies together, going to eat at a restaurant I mention I have not been to yet...while I FEEL this means they like me enough to see us going out some more in the future,For Real, it seems to mean the want me to Think that way...but it might not happen! Hrgggh?

And agree...No, I won't be changing to suit those who think I ought to be 'bigger and uglier', as we say in Texas! At the end of each day, I have to face the Cupcake in the mirror and be Able to say: "You did your best"...I will not be changing that to: "wow, you Suck, you Bully!" :)

Truly,
Cupcake

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