Am I being snooty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Am I being snooty?
27
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 11:04am

I get a lot of "winks" and e-mails from guys who have not finished or even attended college. I find this odd because I have a graduate degree and I state on my profile that education is important to me. My profile also states that I am a professional and would like to meet a man who is also. Recently I added that I am not ready to retire. (This was because I was getting too much attention from men in their early sixties who had either retired or were about to retire and they wanted a partner to spend their declining years with. I'm "only" fifty. Retirement is 15 years away.)

Anyway, I just say "no thanks" to all of these guys. The only exception has been one guy who had "some college," whose career was in the visual arts, and whose profile was well-written. I thought that there are other ways to get an education than in college, and he sounded interesting. But it did not turn out to be a good match because by the second e-mail it was clear that he had a chip on his shoulder about not having finished college. (He kept making comments about how he wasn't stupid, how he probably knew more than I did, etc. I had not been showing off my "knowledge" or my advanced degree, so it was obviously a problem of his own.)

My question is whether I am making a mistake. I don't want to be snooty. It just seems that I won't have a lot in common with guys who can't write a clear paragraph and who don't have some formal education. Has anyone here had a successful relationship with a person who was a very different level of education? Is it any different from liking/not liking sports, hiking, etc? I avoid guys who are sports nuts (and they avoid me, if they bother to read my profile) so why should education be any different?

Don't get me wrong--I don't think these guys are "beneath" me--I just don't see a lot for us to share. I also avoid guys who are obviously very religious or who spend most of their profiles writing about their boats. These things may make them "superior" to me, but not interesting.

So is it snootiness or just common sense? I want to be reassured because I just got one more e-mail from a perfectly nice-seeming guy who has not finished college. Should I give him a chance or go with my usual rule?

Elsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 11:53am

In all honesty, I don't put a grandiose amount of emphasis on a formal education or advanced degrees. I've dated doctors, lawyers, engineers... who did nothing for me conversationally (too much time living in their heads?), or who were otherwise unexciting in general. College does not necessarily translate to a person's worldliness or intelligence factor.

In fact, I've found that quite often (and this is just my experience speaking) that several of the men I have dated who did not have an advanced degree or formal education, were very articulate, extremely intelligent, well rounded and possessed a great sense of humor.

Are you being snooty? Well, perhaps just a tad. After all, college isn't for everyone, but that's certainly not to say that someone who never enrolled didn't go far in life. I've had many a profound conversation, and much in common with people whose background was very different from mine. But certainly, sharing common interests is very important too. Different is good. On completely different wavelengths, is something else again.

Therefore I don't think branching out is always such a bad thing. Breaking the rules on occasion might actually open the door to something unique and unexpected :) However, like yourself, I would be equally as turned off by someone who couldn't articulate his thoughts with proper grammar. That's a biggie for me as well, and I don't think that's being too picky :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 3:01pm

Thanks for the feedback.

I agree that an advanced degree is no guarantee that the guy will be able to take part in an intelligent conversation. Also, I am not really looking for a guy with an advanced degree, I am just not paying much attention to guys who haven't at least finished college. My main reason is that I think college improves the odds that we'll have something in common. I also had that one experience with a guy who seemed intimidated and/or competitive about not having finished college while I have an advanced degree.

I don't think I am "better" than people who haven't been to college--I am just trying to identify guys with whom I might have something in common. Just as I wouldn't be a good match for a guy who was very religious, I wouldn't be a good match for a guy who doesn't value education. Is that snooty? (Does it matter?)

Maybe I'll give this guy a chance and see what he has to say for himself.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 3:14pm
Hi,
I don't think you intended to be snooty, but you may really be missing out on some great people who have learned from the school of hard knocks and the school of life...JMHO. As a person who would say 'some college' in my own profile, I am one who often finds a lack of good conversation/things in common, but it has usually got nothing to do with their specific education level.
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 5:08pm

Oh, I definitely understand what you mean about the competition thing. Some men are very intimidated by that. But as far as your wanting a mate who places some value on education, or at least shares a willingness to explore/become enlightened... No, I don't think that's a snooty thing in the least. A curious mind is a wonderful thing to have and can certainly make life more interesting.

Like yourself, I couldn't date someone who was very religious, although I'm guessing a lot of us would have a tough time dating people whose values differed (to the extreme) from our own. Hence, there's a fair amount of sifting to do until we find the right fit! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 5:45pm

Elarisa,

I can tell you from experience that most men I dated who had a lot of education and dressed in designer wardrobe were jerks. I rather have a man who's humble, kind, intelligent.....a simple man who loves and worships me instead of a man who wines me, dines me, takes me to the best restaurants, wears Calvin Klein suits, Rolex watches but is a big bulls****!

I once had this Navy Admiral I was dating jump down my throat because I didn't know the full story of the Mid-east crisis. He had two or three degrees from universities all over the world. He traveled a lot and was very smart. I'm sorry if I don't know every war that ever happened in the Middle East or every person that ever ruled Syria, but don't assume I have no education because of it. You may have your degree in History, Theology and International Affairs and have this great analytical mind, but let's see how warm your degrees keep you at night, buddy! Your degrees aren't going to bring you love. I AM a very intelligent women and I do keep up with world events, but if on any particular day I didn't watch the news, don't judge me and assume I'm stupid.

For example, I recently met a man who's a U.S. Customs officer. He's a federal agent. He grew up in East L.A. He's latino and basically grew up in the barrio. This guy is really funny and really down-to-earth. He's a government worker, I guess what you would consider blue collar. He just bought a home in Riverside County, is paying a $2,500 mortgage payment, and has a Tahoe drunk and a brand new Altima...he's paying his mortgage and two car notes, plus, he commutes back and forth every day to work. He's spending a ton on gasoline every month. I know the guy is strapped financially. He's 30 yrs-old, never been married, no kids, good-looking and doing it all ALONE. I'm not going to eliminate him because he doesn't have a doctorate or because he doesn't have money oozing out of his ears. Even though he's not a doctor, a lawyer or something 'uppity', I don't care if the guy can only take me out for a burger and a beer--I'm not high-maintenance at all. I prefer simple things and good company over a man who only has a degree to hang on his wall and ZERO love and compassion to offer a woman.

Date men from all socio-economic levels. I think you'll come to find that people who didn't grow up in the best environments are sometimes more understanding. They have resolve and lot of tolerance. They won't give you the boot over stupid matters or blow things out of proportion because they know what hard-timing it really is. They're not going to flip out over a dirty cup or if you didn't make the bed that day. Engineers, doctors, men who are extremely booksmart often times are really anal too--that's been my experience. That framed degree on the wall is no guarantee of a man who's going to be a great partner/husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 8:54pm

Ok, I'm going to go against what every else has said (yet again) and say that I agree with you - I don't date men who didn't finish college, either. It's for a whole lot of reasons, but mostly it's a gut feeling. I want a man who is at the same educational level than I am.

And yeah, I'v had guys accuse me of being snooty. If that makes me snooty, fine.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 10:43pm

If Bill Gates had a profile on a dating site it would read "some college" and he is the richest man in the world!!! He is also probably pretty bright.

If they can express themselves and spell (that was a biggie for me), I would give them a chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 11:09pm

You know, people have told me the Bill Gates thing before, and it wouldn't make a bit of difference. Am I strange that I care more about education than money?

LOL...but finding a man who can spell is the real trick, isn't it?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:55am

Well, I don't just look at the educational level; I also look at the quality of the profile. But some guys write so little that there isn't much profile to go by. And while I agree that a degree is no guarantee of interesting conversation, it does improve the odds slightly that we might have something in common (memories of old college days, if nothing else).

I did reply to the guy who had contacted me with the interesting profile but only "some college." Turns out he has difficulty committing to things in general. The story of his life includes multiple careers and multiple spouses. (Yep, he recently divorced spouse number four.) Just why he told me this in his introductory e-mail I am not sure.

Needless to say, it's not because he doesn't have a college education that my interest in him is not strong.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 1:06am

Amerissa,

I guess a major difference between us is that I am not looking for that good honest man who will be my partner for life. I am looking for interesting dates. If one of those dates turns out to be a good honest man and eventually becomes a life partner, great. But I'm not holding my breath. At my age, the pickings are not really good. Luckily, I already did the "life partner" thing. It'd be nice to do it again and get it right, but I don't feel that I need to compromise between intellect/education and kind/sensitive. If I can't have it all, I think I'll do without. ;)

Any person who makes another person feel bad because they don't know something is not worth dating. I don't think the guy who gave you a hard time for not knowing more about the Gulf War was that way because he had a lot of advanced degrees. There are rude self-centered people without advanced degrees also.

I do agree that when push comes to shove the good personality and so forth can mean more than professional success. Incidentally, I am not looking for a rich guy who will be able to wine and dine me. I am happy to pay my way.

Elsa

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