Am I being snooty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Am I being snooty?
27
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 11:04am

I get a lot of "winks" and e-mails from guys who have not finished or even attended college. I find this odd because I have a graduate degree and I state on my profile that education is important to me. My profile also states that I am a professional and would like to meet a man who is also. Recently I added that I am not ready to retire. (This was because I was getting too much attention from men in their early sixties who had either retired or were about to retire and they wanted a partner to spend their declining years with. I'm "only" fifty. Retirement is 15 years away.)

Anyway, I just say "no thanks" to all of these guys. The only exception has been one guy who had "some college," whose career was in the visual arts, and whose profile was well-written. I thought that there are other ways to get an education than in college, and he sounded interesting. But it did not turn out to be a good match because by the second e-mail it was clear that he had a chip on his shoulder about not having finished college. (He kept making comments about how he wasn't stupid, how he probably knew more than I did, etc. I had not been showing off my "knowledge" or my advanced degree, so it was obviously a problem of his own.)

My question is whether I am making a mistake. I don't want to be snooty. It just seems that I won't have a lot in common with guys who can't write a clear paragraph and who don't have some formal education. Has anyone here had a successful relationship with a person who was a very different level of education? Is it any different from liking/not liking sports, hiking, etc? I avoid guys who are sports nuts (and they avoid me, if they bother to read my profile) so why should education be any different?

Don't get me wrong--I don't think these guys are "beneath" me--I just don't see a lot for us to share. I also avoid guys who are obviously very religious or who spend most of their profiles writing about their boats. These things may make them "superior" to me, but not interesting.

So is it snootiness or just common sense? I want to be reassured because I just got one more e-mail from a perfectly nice-seeming guy who has not finished college. Should I give him a chance or go with my usual rule?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 1:09am

Hi Emily,

Glad that we're on the same page on this. As I said, I am not sure this is any different from not wanting to date a guy who drinks (or doesn't drink) or who is (or isn't) religious or who practices a different religion, etc. Aren't we looking for compatibility? Isn't education one of the things that may make us compatible?

I don't want to be snooty, and I am giving guys a chance if the profile is good but they haven't finished college. But so far the college-less guys haven't done too well.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 1:37am
Ya mean you arent interested in being SPOUSE #

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:05am
If Bill Gates divorces his wife and shows some interest in me, I will not hold it against him that he has no college degree. ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:20am

Actually, Bill Gates is pretty well-educated. He didn't finish college because he was too busy running a multi-million dollar business, but he was not a bad student. I believe someone who is intelligent and largely self-taught can be a perfectly good date and possibly a good partner, but a lot will depend not only on how much we have in common but on how the guy takes my "superior" education. It would probably help if he saw himself as successful in what he does and could respect my accomplishments w/out feeling threatened. I am not sure I can get that in the usual college "dropout."

Even a couple of the college educated guys I dated seemed defensive about "only" having a bachelor's degree when I have a professional degree and a master's. The problem for me is that too much conversation time is spent with the guy trying to tell me that my education/professional position isn't really such a great accomplishment, that what really counts is whatever it is he has done/achieved. (It doesn't help that at my age a fair number of the guys out there are being phased out by their companies, are forced into "consulting work" because no one will hire them at the salary they deserve with their experience, etc.)

College education is not the only mark of success/education. However, there are so many things attached to our attitudes about college education and what it means that I think you may be right to avoid men who don't match you in educational and professional success. For my part (I'm older and at a different stage) I will consider a non-college-educated man whose profile impresses me (makes me think he is intelligent, well-informed and interesting) in some other way, but in general I think I will continue being "snooty."

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:28am

RE: "Ya mean you arent interested in being SPOUSE # 5 !?!?!"

Nope--not even if he were as rich and successful as Bill Gates. It's very snooty of me, I know. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 10:40am

No, I completely understand where you are coming from.

heather 5-18-10
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 11:36am

I came from a family that highly valued education. Myself and both brothers have two graduate degrees from top ranked universities and my father worked his way thru both colleges to get his graduate degree. My mother called herself the dumb one in the family because she did not have a college degree. I saw her as smart, hard working, curious, inquisitive, aware, well read, always wanting to improved her mind/self... all qualities I see as the underlying what someone go does decided to get a college education should have. THAT is more of a factor than the degree itself.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:54pm

Yeah, I agree that your friend seems to have compromised, though maybe she got what she really valued most.

As I've said on other messages, I would certainly consider a guy who came across as having it all together (an interesting career, intelligence, articulate, well-spelt e-mail, etc.) even if he didn't have the college degree. But so far I haven't seen a lot of men like that, even among the ones with college educations. ;)

I'm glad I'm not alone in being a little "snooty." I do feel that it's more a question of compatibility than anything else.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:59pm

Unfortunately no, my friend settled in many ways just because she wanted to get married.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 2:50pm

My ex-fiancee was the first in his family to graduate from college, and was more than proud to advertise the fact. When he completed his masters degree (while we were together), he went on a mission informing everyone of this fact. Even emailed everyone in his address book, and consistently bragged about his "higher education" to any and everyone who would listen.

What an ass. As it turned out, the guy was only medially book smart and completely lacking in the common sense. In many ways, that was much worse. And I'm so glad he's not a part of my life anymore. I'll take humility and some basic know-how anyday :)