Am I being snooty?
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| Sat, 08-05-2006 - 11:04am |
I get a lot of "winks" and e-mails from guys who have not finished or even attended college. I find this odd because I have a graduate degree and I state on my profile that education is important to me. My profile also states that I am a professional and would like to meet a man who is also. Recently I added that I am not ready to retire. (This was because I was getting too much attention from men in their early sixties who had either retired or were about to retire and they wanted a partner to spend their declining years with. I'm "only" fifty. Retirement is 15 years away.)
Anyway, I just say "no thanks" to all of these guys. The only exception has been one guy who had "some college," whose career was in the visual arts, and whose profile was well-written. I thought that there are other ways to get an education than in college, and he sounded interesting. But it did not turn out to be a good match because by the second e-mail it was clear that he had a chip on his shoulder about not having finished college. (He kept making comments about how he wasn't stupid, how he probably knew more than I did, etc. I had not been showing off my "knowledge" or my advanced degree, so it was obviously a problem of his own.)
My question is whether I am making a mistake. I don't want to be snooty. It just seems that I won't have a lot in common with guys who can't write a clear paragraph and who don't have some formal education. Has anyone here had a successful relationship with a person who was a very different level of education? Is it any different from liking/not liking sports, hiking, etc? I avoid guys who are sports nuts (and they avoid me, if they bother to read my profile) so why should education be any different?
Don't get me wrong--I don't think these guys are "beneath" me--I just don't see a lot for us to share. I also avoid guys who are obviously very religious or who spend most of their profiles writing about their boats. These things may make them "superior" to me, but not interesting.
So is it snootiness or just common sense? I want to be reassured because I just got one more e-mail from a perfectly nice-seeming guy who has not finished college. Should I give him a chance or go with my usual rule?
Elsa

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You know how many well-known people didn't get a college degree?
Frank Sinatra
Dean Martin
Peter Jennings
Elvis Presley
Marilyn Monroe
Pamela Anderson
Madonna
Clark Gable (didn't even finish high school)
Vivien Leigh
John Lennon....
I could go on an on.....the paper is nice but in no way do I think it means you have anything in common with someone. I do think it's being extremely superficial because a piece of paper saying nothing about a person's personality. I graduated from college back in 1991 and half the things I learned I never used...for me it's a non-issue. I did it because it was expected of me, but I can't say it made my life or my dating potential any better because it didn't. I think there are a lot of great people who didn't get the degree who are extremely bright, witty and charismatic.
A few weeks ago I read this quote by Eva Longoria the actress and thought it was so true...even if you're not looking for a lifelong partner and just casually dating, I think it makes sense:
"I don't agree with all the boundaries we put on everything. Women are forever discounting men for all sorts of silly reasons - too old, too young, wrong haircut. Give the guy a chance and he may surprise you."
--Eva Longroria
Edited 8/6/2006 3:42 pm ET by amerissa
I agree with Emily. I do keep an open mind, though, and one never knows. But in general, I've found that men who make less money than me and are not as educated become insecure and resetnful over time. I'd rather not go down that road again.
Also, someone made the comment that doctors, lawyers, other people with advanced degrees are often snooty or not understanding. Be careful not to generalize. There are different types of people in all professions. I happen to work with a number of sweet, kind, nonmaterialistic doctors...cute, too...unfortunately, they are all married or too young, or too old.
Agreed!
I just want to add that a lot of people without college degrees or a lot of money can be pretty snooty and arrogant too. I've had mechanics talk down to me, for instance. And one guy I know who only scraped through college at a state university just loves to brag how much smarter he is than his PhD neighbor. (He well may be--but why brag?)
We shouldn't have to choose between "nice and un-educated" and "not-nice but well-educated." I think it is realistic to look for someone who is "nice" and who has the level of education/professional interests that would make him (or her) compatible for us.
Elsa
No, I'm not confusing finishing college with intelligence. A lot of very intelligent people have never finished college. The question is--how much do I have in common with most of them? (Except for Bill Gates, of course, who I will happily consider after he divorces his wife.)
I am equating finishing college with (some) respect for education. I don't like people who belittle education and a lot of very intelligent people who chose not to finish college tend to belittle education because they have to prove that they didn't miss out on something. I find that annoying.
You are right that a lot of guys seem to look at the picture first and think about the profile second. And you're right too that whether I'm being snooty or not, I have to go with what appeals to me, not force myself to meet guys who may not be what I want.
But I don't want to be too picky. I have just replied to an e-mail from another guy who hasn't finished college. This one seems to be reasonably literate. He writes well. The main problem is he is out of town--says he'll be moving to my area at the end of September. We'll see.
Elsa
I have 2 Associates degrees and work in a university office. While I don't have a four-year degree, I have as many hours as a college senior but continually found myself thinking that a guy had to be college-educated in order to appeal to me. Wasn't necessarily a degree, but the exposure to college life that I thought was important if that makes any sense. I finally realized I really was being snooty by expecting someone to have the same or more education than I had. In the end, it matters more if the person is worldly in their thinking. But, this can be obtained through other venues besides a university campus. If someone has a military background or other formal training of some kind, that oftentimes translates into someone who has things to talk about and has been exposed to all kinds of different people. That is more important to me than a college degree.
I remember one of my very bad blind dates that took place over a year ago. The guy had no education beyond high school, had been a truck driver for a lot of years and had traveled very little. We had basically nothing to talk about; nothing in common. Add to the mix that he was physically very unappealing to me. Now how much his physical looks had to do with how I viewed him as overall potential might have tipped the scales against him, but I would have to believe that one aspect didn't help the other. It was then that I realized that an element of "worldliness" was important to me in a guy. If he acts like he's led a sheltered life, chances are we'll have little to talk about. How someone obtains that worldliness can be up for discussion, but let's just say I was very glad when that blind date was over. :0
I just sent a "no thanks we're not a good match" e-mail to a college-educated guy who doesn't seem to have anything at all to say for himself. (After 3 e-mails I still don't know anything about him beyond a very skimpy profile and that he thinks I am pretty. If he's had any sort of interesting life or thought about anything beyond the daily routine, he sure isn't showing it.) I do look for some feeling that the other person has thought about life and enjoys some of the same things I do. While it is more likely that this will happen if the guy has some education, it isn't always the case.
Elsa
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