am I being superficial??!!!
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| Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:18pm |
I met this guy online: he seems to be everything I want in a man. From what I know about him, he seems to be considerate, sweet, stable (both emotionally and financially), ready to settle down (wants kids and is looking for a serious relationship). We have so much in common in terms of values, expectations about relationships, gender roles, raising kids, if you wish, politically and ethically, in every respect, it seems like we are really compatible.
We have talked on the phone a lot (after exchanging 3-4 emails) over the past month -- he lives two hours away from me -- I call each other day, but we only went on one date (last Friday). Here is my problem: although we are so similar in , it seems to me, almost every aspect of our values/expectations, we are very different in terms of temperament/sense of humor. I am thought to be playful, humorous and hedonistic, without being irresponsible: I am successful at what I do, and I am reliable , both as a person and a professional. He on the other hand is a man of duty, somebody who believes (seems to me) that life is all about responsibility (even when he was talking about compatibility between the two partners in a couple, he said that this is important because they have to raise kids together – Gosh,. Two people have to have more going for them and between them than just the kids to be happy together, I think!!!) . He never jokes, nor is he in anyway humorous/playful. I never knew that for me this is really important: I want a potential partner to make me laugh, I want us to laugh together, to joke, be playful with language, witty banter, turns out, is really important to me. So, our phone convos feel like job interviews sometimes: an exchange of expectations’/views etc., or like a series of mini-lectures (here is what I think on the subject, how about you?)
The question is: am I being superficial? After all, the witty, funny guys I was with are gone from my life; granted, even though I am 32, I have only been in two relationships – one 7.5 years long, and one just 6 months…. And I am not on a rebound: I broke up with the 7.5 year guy an year and a half ago… the other relationship wasn’t really traumatic, it just didn’t work out, so I don’t think I am comparing him with them necessarily…This man seems to have everything I want in a guy, and yet, I am not into him…couple of times, he would call me and I would catch myself thinking “Oh, I don’t want to talk to him now…” I don’t know what to do: do you guys think he’ll open up? Or should I just move on? Or, is it that I need to reconsider my criteria for choosing a partner? But I can’t imagine myself with somebody who , sorry to say it, bores me to tears… (when you want to get off the phone, or for the date to be over, that cannot be a good sign, right?) I know these sound like naïve questions, but in my previous relationships I would fall head over heels before I could see clearly if we are compatible, now it seems that we are, but I am just BORED. I think I am either crazy, or immature…. At one point I thought that may be there is the issue of physical attraction, but I don’t think this is the case: I don’t find him “unattractive”, it takes me some time to feel attracted to a person, plus, I have a history for falling for guys who would not be considered “attractive” in any mainstream sense of the word…) Please, help!!!!

You wrote: “I think enjoying someone's company is probably the most important criteria there is.”
ITA! In otherwords if you don’t have that kind of comfortable chemistry from the start chances are it won’t ever be there! Yes you need shared values and goals but start with the above, if the guy doesn’t pass that then next.
I met someone recently and we just click like peanut butter and jelly and just a few days before meeting him I met another guy out and on paper he’s everything most women are looking for and more—I was on the fence not just due to the distance but like you said, it felt like we just spent the afternoon evening together talking about what we want in a future relationship – felt more interview like then playful and fun– you want a buddy or friend where you do laugh and enjoy each others company with similar goals etc.– if you feel like “hmm what good question can I think of next to keep this conversation going he’s more than likely not your guy” trust me, I lived it and learned it! Then when you do meet someone that takes you off guard as it’s so easy you’re like “yes” this is what I’m looking for – I think we all know what it is, we may not have quite experience it to the extreme that we want but it’s an innate feeling inside so hold out for that.
Peanut
He's "everything you want"...except for a couple very essential elements: he doesn't have a compatible sense of humor, and he bores you! Someone can be *almost* perfect for you...but a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker, and those would certainly be dealbreakers for me.
I recently met a guy who is "great on paper"...since we met, I keep reading his ad and thinking that we "should" be perfect together...but I can't yet bring myself to go on a 4th date because I was pretty bored on dates 2 and 3. I haven't closed the door yet...but he called on Monday and I still haven't called him back and I don't really want to...but I feel I "should". I think I'm going to wait until next week and see how I feel (plus I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable "what are you doing for NYE?" question ;-)).
Anyway, don't feel bad that he's not a match, even though he "should" be.
Sheri
Edited 12/28/2005 7:59 pm ET by northwestwanderer
Well, I can't blame you for wanting to meet someone right now, its in the air. But the bottom line is, if you are unsure this early, that says it all.
I have friends who are unsure if there are certain things to talk about before marriage- and these are women who have dated these guys for six months. You sound like you barely know the guy- but everyone knows sometimes its hard to find someone that doesn't make you want to run for the hills!
Date him right now if you want companionship (if he isn't too boring to you!)- and keep looking- every guy doesn't have to be marriage material! (And sometimes those we THINK are marriage material a few months down the road turn out to be toads anyway!) Enjoy the moment, but if you want something more, then keep looking, because you should be gaga right now and SO excited.
Good luck!
I don't think you're being superficial at all! If you're bored now it'll be even worse once the "getting to know you" phase is over. Right now there's a lot of information to share and that fuels conversation but I forsee problems down the road.
As far as sense of humor goes, that would be a deal breaker because for me laughter is like air. If you enjoy his company, I'd give it a couple more dates. Sometimes people get a little uptight when they're nervous. You've only had one date, so I'd give it to 3 if you're feeling like you want to give it a chance. If this guy just isn't doing it for you and you're feeling that your forcing a connection, then I'd just take a pass on the whole thing and move on.
Just my 2 cents...
Michele
No, I don't think you are being superficial. Sense of humor is HUGE for me. I have even gone out with guys (and had relationships with them) that were perhaps not conventionally attractive but had a great sense of humor and were smart. Yes, it's early, but if you can't imagine spending the rest of your life with someone without wanting to run screaming from the room b/c they are so incredibly boring - there is nothing wrong with saying "NEXT".
I disagree with the poster that said that you should keep seeing him while still looking. What's the point? It wastes his time and yours and may give him the idea that something could develop when you are pretty sure it won't. There is nothing wrong with you for thinking that while this guy is great on paper, he's just not for you. There will be plenty of women that will share his views and serious demeanor. You need to find the funny, happy guy that can keep you interested and laughing and is more than just a good catch on the surface.