Am I being unreasonable??

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linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Am I being unreasonable??
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 Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:19am
Brandon and I have been together for a week now and when we talk its wonderful. I mean I'm in love with this kid. Sometimes I just feel like he doesn't have time for me or something. If I want to talk to him I have to wait up until like 1 am (its 1:12 am and he STILL isn't on yet) because he's never online during the day. If its a Monday or Wednesday that means I don't get to talk to him because I have classes Tuesday and Thursday and I can't be up late...not when I have to sit through 7 hours of lectures. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday and even then he was only on for 10 minutes because HE had to get up early...what about all the times I wait up for him? Before that I hadn't talked to him at all on Monday either. Tuesday after he got offline I just sat here and cried my eyes out because I couldn't stand it anymore...I miss him so much and I just want to be with him or at least be able to talk to him for more than 10 minutes. I don't know if I should bring this up with him or not....I don't know if its me asking too much so early or whatever. But for the record, HE's the one that asked me to be his girlfriend, HE told me "i love you" first...I didn't say it until a few days later because I didn't want to say it and not mean it....I don't get it, but I'm so sick of feeling this way. When I don't get to talk to him I'm sad and bummed out, then as more time goes by I get angry because I hate that he doesn't make time for me. *sigh* Maybe I'm just selfish, I dunno.

Sorry this got so long....I just had to get this all out *sigh*

Lindsay

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kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:52am
Please don't be upset with what I have to say Lindsay...I would say this to my own daughter if she told me the same thing you have told us about this relationship. First I would tell my daughter that I think she needs to slow down a bit...don't get so caught up in this and certainly do not let this guy be everything to you. I'm not saying that you're doing this..but it almost seems to be that you are willing to do most anything to be able to talk with him and yet he just gives you a few crumbs here and there...whenever the time is convenient to HIM.

Also..at this age, there are so many things you both are doing...school...friends...part time jobs...etc..(not sure what it is that he does) So continue to do the things that you need to do...if you can't be there for him at a certain time,..well..that's the way it has to be...and if he cares about you, he will be ok with that. You need to do the same thing for him.

I guess the last thing I'd like to say..and remember...this is not to upset you...I kinda get the feeling that maybe an online relationship is not what you need...maybe you need more contact...and to be honest..i think that would be healthier for you. You should be dating...going out with a guy..spending time doing fun things together. You know I've talked with my own daughter about this. She's still seeing the guy she met online..and so far it's been working for her..he goes to be with her and they do spend time together (he'll be going to see her again this Easter weekend). To me though, it's not enough..I would rather see my daughter dating a guy near her. She does however, still go out with friends and doesn't sit by the computer waiting for her guy to come on. She told me last weekend that her b/f went away for the weekend with a few friends. I asked her if that bothered her and she said..yes..a bit...but that she did trust him. My point is this..if they lived near eachother, they would have done this together (it was a bunch of guys and girls) That's the kind of fun girls your age should be having..not worrying about how much time a guy will give you on the computer. I sure hope you aren't upset with what I've said here, Lindsay. Believe me...I'm always rooting for ya! I just think maybe you're trying to push for something instead of letting it just happen...and who know...it might be right there in the city where u live :)


Kelly

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linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:41am
Thanks Kelly....just to answer a few things in your post. I agree that the online thing might not be for me. Its so hard to know he's my boyfriend but yet I can't even touch him. I don't know if I mentioned this before or not, but he and I have been online friends for the last 2 years now, and things just started going in the relationship direction the last few months and then he just asked me. My best friend always says "never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." It is soooo true, but its so hard when you really care about someone. I know he has stuff to do...but he doesn't go to school, he has a job and lives on his own, thats why it makes me angry sometimes that he isn't putting out the effort that I am. Maybe its just stupid, I don't know...but it hurts b/c it feels like I care more about him than he cares about me. I still go out with my friends, although most of them are at college now so they're not around. Like I said, maybe I'm being shelfish or something, but its just so frustrating! I could just scream! lol

As always, thank you so much for you response, it didn't upset me at all and I know your just lookin out for me :)

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survivingdivorce
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:50am
Lindsey, I dont know too much about your situation with this guy, but I will tell you I know how that waiting up thing can be. I was talking to a guy on line last year, and we started out talking like every night and he seemed to have time to talk all the time. As soon as he needed a break, he would just disappear. So, there I was at our regular time, and he wasnt. I let it go for a few days, may even have been a week or so. Then, I just asked him what his deal was. Like you, I was putting our alot more time, then he was. I was feeling alittle neglected.SO, he then tells me he could not be on line so much and he was really busy. Well, that was sort of the means to an end for me. He and I sort of drifted away from one another there after. I was not going to waste time on someone that wasnt putting as much into as me. I really dont know if you are at that point with this guy, like I said. I dont know enough to comment. I just thought I would share my little experience with you. It seems to me, that he doesnt think you are as important as you think he is. For you to sit up til 1 am waiting for him...yeh, the least he could do was drop you a freakin email or something. I am sorry he is being a poo poo head. Hope it gets better for ya sweetie. Goodluck.

Gail
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kelstev
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:11pm
Very good advice from your friend. I understand how hard this can be Lindsay, and the way it makes you feel...well..it's an awful feeling. That's why you need to start putting yourself first..before anyone...start loving Lindsay and taking care of Lindsay. As soon as you start putting yourself first, you will no longer tolerate a guy treating you in a way that you don't like.

Just curious...how far away is this guy from you...any plans on meeting?

Kelly

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linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:14pm
Lol, a poo poo head...thats what he is :P Well, we talk on Yahoo and with that you can message someone whether they are online or not...so even if he gets online and I'm NOT here he could at least send me a little message....I'm always sending him messages tellling him I miss him and stuff....today I sent one that said we needed to talk. I'm going to tell him how I feel and that if he doesn't have time for me I need to know now before it gets any further so I can at least save my heart from being broken a little bit. I don't want to waste my time on someone who isn't going to waste his time on me....I'm too busy for that at this point in my life *sigh* If only boys could be easy lol.

Thanks so much for your response!!

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linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:24pm
I know in my heart that your right...I'm just so used to putting myself last its like second nature to me now. I have to change that because I know its not a good thing...but like I said, its hard to change my ways. He's probably about 4 or 5 hours from me...we haven't talked about meeting yet, although, I haven't talked to him much at all lately ugh. Thanks Kelly!

Lindsay

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hollysnow
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:35pm
Linds-

I am so sorry that things aren't going so well for you. I remember when I first started dating I thought if I put enough time and effort into a guy, he would reciprocate.

Yikes.

Not true at all. Actually, there's a proverb: Anything you chase in life will run away. By leaving him messages, waiting up for him, begging him to stay on the phone longer, you are chasing him. In my experience, men then start getting lazy, because you are doing all the work.

In my experience, the guy that REALLY cares about me, and really wants to be with me, will jump through hoops. He'll chase ME down. He'll call ME five times a day. And that is easy :) No stress, no worries, just tons of great surprises.

I have a book recommendation I hope you'll read. It changed my life (and 5 of my girlfriends!). It's called "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. It's well written and funny, but for me, I realized A LOT of the mistakes I was making in dating. Once I read it, I've spared myself a lot of stress and pain.

*wishing the best for you!*

HS

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linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:43pm
Thanks Holly! I appreciate your response and I'll have to see if I can find that book, it sounds like a good read. I'm trying not to chase him, but its so hard because I care about him so much....this is so annoying and I don't even want to deal with it anymore. As much as I do love him it shouldn't be this much work to keep a relationship going...he needs to give too, I can't give it all *sigh* I'll let ya'll know how things go :)

Lindsay

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hollysnow
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:49pm
Linds-

You are on the right track- I think in the best relationships, the man gives MORE than the woman, not less or the same amount. I too think you are working too hard, and it isn't fair! You should be treated like the jewel you are!

(It took me a LOOOONNG time to learn this, so if I can spare you some heartache I'd be thrilled).


*hugs*


HS

deena33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: linds8300
Am I being unreasonable??
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:30pm
I think you need to communicate with him about what he means by you being his girlfriend (it has very different meanings to different people) and what he meant by I love oyu - did it mean at that moment, forever, for as long as he can see into the future, did it mean he has warm feelings towards you, he hopes to have sex with you in the future - seriously, it is hard to know what those three little, but important, words mean - particularly, I would think, in an online situation. If you are not ready to address those issues with him, think about whether you want to have this strong an attachment to him right now - if you do want to be his girlfriend, and you do love him, shouldn't you be able to share these concerns with him? As far as the timing - yes, it is hard when someone is not available during "normal" hours - what I have done in those situations is take turns - as in, if one of the couple needs to be up early, let's say then sometimes you sacrifice the sleep and sometimes he has to sacrifice the sleep, or his activities, etc. And sometimes, yes, vastly different schedules can mean that the timing isn't right. Since 1994 I've had a very unpredictable work schedule and all my serious relationships (approximately three from then to now) were with men who had the same career I did and similarly unpredictable schedules. Let me tell you - it took a lot of compromise. I also have decided, for me, that with respect to reliability and how I am treated, including respect - if those two things are not "easy" in the beginning, it is a non-starter for me - because it can only go downhill from there. Decide if you can see yourself exclusive with someone who has the characteristics, habits, values, routines that he does - and whether you believe you are at the right level of priority in his life, given his request for exclusivity and for your heart. Whether it would be sufficient for me is irrelevant (or, for anyone else). Love never comes without at least a few tears and some sadness/mellow times, but think about whether the happy times outbalance it.

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