Am I being unreasonable??

Avatar for linds8300
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Am I being unreasonable??
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Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:19am
Brandon and I have been together for a week now and when we talk its wonderful. I mean I'm in love with this kid. Sometimes I just feel like he doesn't have time for me or something. If I want to talk to him I have to wait up until like 1 am (its 1:12 am and he STILL isn't on yet) because he's never online during the day. If its a Monday or Wednesday that means I don't get to talk to him because I have classes Tuesday and Thursday and I can't be up late...not when I have to sit through 7 hours of lectures. I haven't talked to him since Tuesday and even then he was only on for 10 minutes because HE had to get up early...what about all the times I wait up for him? Before that I hadn't talked to him at all on Monday either. Tuesday after he got offline I just sat here and cried my eyes out because I couldn't stand it anymore...I miss him so much and I just want to be with him or at least be able to talk to him for more than 10 minutes. I don't know if I should bring this up with him or not....I don't know if its me asking too much so early or whatever. But for the record, HE's the one that asked me to be his girlfriend, HE told me "i love you" first...I didn't say it until a few days later because I didn't want to say it and not mean it....I don't get it, but I'm so sick of feeling this way. When I don't get to talk to him I'm sad and bummed out, then as more time goes by I get angry because I hate that he doesn't make time for me. *sigh* Maybe I'm just selfish, I dunno.

Sorry this got so long....I just had to get this all out *sigh*

Lindsay

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Avatar for linds8300
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 12:35pm
Thanks Stephanie...I'm exactly like you...I get attached VERY easily and need to be in actual contact...thats why this is so hard for me. If this doesn't work out I think I'm swearing off the whole online thing lol....although I hope it doesn't come to that and this works!

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Avatar for linds8300
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 12:33pm
Thanks Crystal....I know thats what I should do, but its hard because I want to talk to him all the time! lol

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Avatar for linds8300
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 12:32pm
Thanks Deena! I plan on talking to him as soon as we catch each other online. I had a message from him last night saying he was sorry for the last few days and not being around, but I wasn't here and by the time I got in he wasn't on anymore. *sigh* One of these days I'll catch him! lol

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Avatar for singlemom224
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:01pm
Awwww Lindsay .. sorry to hear you're feeling down girl!

I agree wholeheartedly w/ what the other ladies have said already, very good advice!

Let me tell ya, I've been there SO many times myself. Finally I realized that the distance online thing just wasn't going to work for me no matter how many different times/guys I tried (so to eliminate the mere temptation I no longer go to chat rooms & whatnot except for one local one). I get attached easily that's a fact. I need that physical contact, not only just because I want to spend time w/ my guy but also to know in person, that the trust & whatnot, in addition to compatibility is there. I had for the most part sworn I'd never hook up online again (tired of all the heartbreak & bs) but I did, only this time it was w/ someone locally (yes, there were a few other "relationships" from the same local chat .. but for whatever reasons I never felt comfortable enough to go through w/ meeting those guys) & I did everything completely different. We moved to the phone quickly, in addition to meeting quickly & thankfully we hit it off great & are VERY happy together.

I look back & think to myself how much time & energy I wasted & I could kick myself at being so niave for the most part, but really it was all worth it (even the pain that was involved) .. because that's what go me to the point where I am now & the experience to know that I deserve & demand much, much better than before. :-)

I used to get upset & feel like my guy at the moment (whichever one that happened to be) didn't have time for me or whatever ... but now it's wonderful. My bf works ALOT, yet he makes the time for me, whether it's a simple call from work to just say "Hey babe, I was thinking about you" or coming over after work (mind you I live approx. 40mins or so away from his job if you include the horrible traffic & such) just to spend some time together. This is the way it should be & you will find it too!!


Keep your head up Lindsay, it will all work out one way or another!!

Best of luck to you girlie!!

~Stephanie

(sorry to ramble on & on .. I really hope I made sense LOL)

Avatar for crystalgirl32
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:22pm
Amen to that.I agree whole heartedly.I used to do the same thing but now I know if a guy is truly interested he will do the chasing.Lindsay you will find one like that,try not to try so hard.Hugs,Crystal

P.S. Try not being so readily available to him and see what happens.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:30pm
I think you need to communicate with him about what he means by you being his girlfriend (it has very different meanings to different people) and what he meant by I love oyu - did it mean at that moment, forever, for as long as he can see into the future, did it mean he has warm feelings towards you, he hopes to have sex with you in the future - seriously, it is hard to know what those three little, but important, words mean - particularly, I would think, in an online situation. If you are not ready to address those issues with him, think about whether you want to have this strong an attachment to him right now - if you do want to be his girlfriend, and you do love him, shouldn't you be able to share these concerns with him? As far as the timing - yes, it is hard when someone is not available during "normal" hours - what I have done in those situations is take turns - as in, if one of the couple needs to be up early, let's say then sometimes you sacrifice the sleep and sometimes he has to sacrifice the sleep, or his activities, etc. And sometimes, yes, vastly different schedules can mean that the timing isn't right. Since 1994 I've had a very unpredictable work schedule and all my serious relationships (approximately three from then to now) were with men who had the same career I did and similarly unpredictable schedules. Let me tell you - it took a lot of compromise. I also have decided, for me, that with respect to reliability and how I am treated, including respect - if those two things are not "easy" in the beginning, it is a non-starter for me - because it can only go downhill from there. Decide if you can see yourself exclusive with someone who has the characteristics, habits, values, routines that he does - and whether you believe you are at the right level of priority in his life, given his request for exclusivity and for your heart. Whether it would be sufficient for me is irrelevant (or, for anyone else). Love never comes without at least a few tears and some sadness/mellow times, but think about whether the happy times outbalance it.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:49pm
Linds-

You are on the right track- I think in the best relationships, the man gives MORE than the woman, not less or the same amount. I too think you are working too hard, and it isn't fair! You should be treated like the jewel you are!

(It took me a LOOOONNG time to learn this, so if I can spare you some heartache I'd be thrilled).


*hugs*


HS

Avatar for linds8300
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:43pm
Thanks Holly! I appreciate your response and I'll have to see if I can find that book, it sounds like a good read. I'm trying not to chase him, but its so hard because I care about him so much....this is so annoying and I don't even want to deal with it anymore. As much as I do love him it shouldn't be this much work to keep a relationship going...he needs to give too, I can't give it all *sigh* I'll let ya'll know how things go :)

Lindsay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:35pm
Linds-

I am so sorry that things aren't going so well for you. I remember when I first started dating I thought if I put enough time and effort into a guy, he would reciprocate.

Yikes.

Not true at all. Actually, there's a proverb: Anything you chase in life will run away. By leaving him messages, waiting up for him, begging him to stay on the phone longer, you are chasing him. In my experience, men then start getting lazy, because you are doing all the work.

In my experience, the guy that REALLY cares about me, and really wants to be with me, will jump through hoops. He'll chase ME down. He'll call ME five times a day. And that is easy :) No stress, no worries, just tons of great surprises.

I have a book recommendation I hope you'll read. It changed my life (and 5 of my girlfriends!). It's called "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. It's well written and funny, but for me, I realized A LOT of the mistakes I was making in dating. Once I read it, I've spared myself a lot of stress and pain.

*wishing the best for you!*

HS

Avatar for linds8300
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:24pm
I know in my heart that your right...I'm just so used to putting myself last its like second nature to me now. I have to change that because I know its not a good thing...but like I said, its hard to change my ways. He's probably about 4 or 5 hours from me...we haven't talked about meeting yet, although, I haven't talked to him much at all lately ugh. Thanks Kelly!

Lindsay

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