Am I doing it wrong???
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 6:39am |
I have been reading many of these discussions about when is the right time to meet... the discussions on the list of mistakes that newbies make is in carrying on emails for more than a week before meeting... and another discussion talks about first meets ideally only being restricted to coffee for an hour....
I generally have had "real dates" as first meets but this is after a fairly good amount of time of emailing and instant messaging each other... I rather get to know what I can about a person then decide to meet them.... helps me to screen (albeit not fully screen) those that I feel are incompatible with me... Also, I generally see the "first date" as kind of fun and exciting where the "unveiling" occurs... some work out and some of course do not... the one coffee date that I have had, I felt was a total waste of time... traveled way too far for each of us to nearly say "forget it"when we got there! Yet the dinner dates, I can at least leave saying (in the words of Elaine... "the lobster bisque was good...")
What do others think? Am I the only one who likes to email longer than a week? And likes being wined and dined on a first date?

I don't think there is a right and wrong way to do this online dating thing. Rather there are things that you can do to tilt the odds in your favor.
Most of the feedback that you see here about not emailing too long, meeting for coffee versus dinner, etc -- are there because people feel they've made mistakes in doing those things and want to share them with others so they will at least be cautious.
There are exceptions to every rule that you read here. I believe most of the rules are there for a reason and if you read through many of the older threads -- there are MULTIPLE instances of people going on and on about early meets that lasted all night or resulting in mind-blowing sex --- and then they never ever hear from the people again. (And it's really sad because they come back here and want to know why - but people are too polite to tell them the real reason is because they didn't follow common sense rules).
I've found most of the rules pretty accurate and as someone who has been online dating for almost 15 years I am no longer excited by the incoming emails or winks. All that they now represent is another round of emails and screening. The one good thing that comes from being online for a while is ghosting doesn't bother me at all anymore. I view it as a relief that someone was too flaky to continue communicating or they discovered an incompatibility and saved me the time and effort of continuing to talk with them.
>>LG - 15 yrs of online dating?? seriously? or is that a typo?
Stop the presses. Someone actually reads the posts here...
It's actually closer to 1 year and I definitely have adopted the veteran dater attitude...which as close as I can paraphrase is "show me don't tell me".
just kind of go with the flow. If
there are red flags, I may wait a
little longer; see if I can decipher
what it is the guy is really after.
If there are no red flags and
everything seems to be falling into
place, I'll meet someone within a
week or two ...
Man, lg, I did a wicked double-take on that 15 year thing, too!!!
I'm was doing the calculations in my head to figure out how you got into the cold room to convince Hal to spit out your matches!!!
Tracy
I will not wine and dine on the first meeting anymore.
There is a significant percentage of women (I realize there are
nice, honest, good people, too) that have a boyfriend, or are not
interested in you, that set up weekday dinners, for free food.
They have no intention of dating you, and I've actually had women
admit it to me or my friends.
So now, its like let's meet for cofee/tea, or meet at the art
museum or something.
I absolutely will not invest more than $20 total on a first meeting now.
I'm not cheap, and I'm not poor. I just don't wanna be ripped off by
a girl making her living on free meals. If I found somebody nice, yes,
I go all out.
I met my husband through an online dating service. By the time I met him I had figured out that (for me, at least) it never worked when I did a lot of emailing, IMing or phoning before meeting the person face to face. All that does is give you a false sense of knowing a stranger, which set me up for big disappointments and some creepy experiences upon meeing in person. After my husband and I connected through the first email, we sent a couple more very short emails just to make sure we met each other's basic criteria, then we sent a couple more very short friendly emails (like a sentence or 2) over the next couple days, then talked on the phone to set up our first meeting (about a 5 min. conversation, if that), then we met and took a walk and talked for about a half hour, then went our separate ways. The next day he emailed me to ask me out on a proper date, which I accepted. From then on we got to know one another TOTALLY in person.
If you don't feel sure you want to meet someone in person right away, then don't (always listen to your gut instincts). But then don't email, phone and IM with him either. You will get that false sense of knowing him and you are NOT getting to know the real person. That can only happen IN person. Good luck.
Hi Gal Yoohoo,
You asked, "What do others think? Am I the only one who likes to email longer than a week? And likes being wined and dined on a first date?"
I have emailed longer with a few guys, and when we met, I was disappointed because I had somehow developed this persona in my head of how I thought they were from what I had perceived, and so when I met the true-life person, there was no chemistry and I was let down. Had I just met them say the first week or so without so many lengthy emails, I would have saved myself the hurt and disappointment, and the time wasted on both of our parts.
To me, OLD is just a vehicle in which to meet people, a way to get ourselves out there to meet more people than we would have been exposed to otherwise in real life. So my purpose is not to have an online relationship through email, IM, texting, or whatever, but to get TO the true-life, no fantasy part of meeting that person face to face instead, to see if there exists any chemistry or possibility for a relationship.
You said you use the longer emailing to screen the guys, well you are not screening the TRUE guys, but the persona which they are showing you, possibly even one completely made up as not everyone is good at real life encounters, but can be creative with words on the computer.
Yet if it's a REAL LIFE relationship that you are interested in having, then you have to meet the person in real life to see what they are actually and truly about.
I could portray myself as someone totally different than I am in real life, rather like play acting, and many people do this online, so that is why we say to get to the actual meet as quick as possible - for it is only there in which you'll be able to guage the personality of the prospective date.
If all someone wants is an email buddy, then keep emailing. Forget meeting!
After you've been hurt a few times, you start to follow these guidelines of meeting as soon as possible, in order to protect yourself from being disillusioned and saddened. Whether you talk in say 2 or 3 emails or talk longer for a month or two in emails, it doesn't matter, WHEN you meet that person face to face - either the chemistry and interest is there or it's not! It's usually not going to be altered because you have emailed longer, yet I'm sure there are the exceptions.
About being wined and dined on the first date - it's fine, but if you've been on a date with a guy where there is no chemistry and he is a total as*, staying through an entire dinner is torture. Where if it had been a coffee meet instead, you could have politely excused yourself with an excuse of something you were already committed to and therefore not have had to endure 2 hours of him telling you WHY he is such a great person and has such a fantastic life!
I have had coffee meets that have lasted longer than an hour, say 2 hours if we were really enjoying our conversation, but the great thing about coffee meets is the availability to get out of it if there is no interest there and yet you don't seem rude - but it's a great out. To me, the first meet isn't really to go on a "date", but rather to size eachother up and to see if there are any possibilities to get together for a second meet or for a real date...kind of like a job interview sort of, but more of a relationship interview. JMO.
Best of luck to you with your OLD.
Sunshine