Am I right to feel dumb?!
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| Thu, 01-26-2006 - 12:02am |
another interesting story from my dating life:) will try to keep short
The guy whose mom passed away last week. Called Sunday evening and asked me to come over, watch a movie and chill. He sounded sad. So I asked him to come over since I never been to his place b4 while he had. "I thought it s safe kuz he is grieving"
He comes but never mentions anything about mom. We went to my living room and he gave me a long hug. sure I thought he is miserable and needs some affection. so we make out. then we go to my room, his suggestion, and have sex for 2 hours!! and he was upbeat and happy all the time.
He stayed all the time in the bedroom then he said he is too tired and sleepy and had to go home. And left. I was mad since I realized he just came for sex and I had thought that he came for consolation. I m soo attracted to him. He is just my type. but I know he is not right. I think someone who gets over mom's death so easily is weird. someone who comes to my place for sex only and does not even stay to chat is not worth my while.
He called today to ask me to send him some pics from my last trip!! (I think it was just an execuse to call) then asked if I m still angry. so I told him I really just wanted to chat with him the other night nad we ended up having sex although I did not plan to but I was too attracted to him I could not stop him... so he said let us meet then for movie in a public place if you feel like it and ended on a note that I m always angry and he does not understand me! I m tending to write him off as a jerk. I feel he is one.
I know there are plenty of diverse opinions on this board.
I m not too concerned about the sex part as I m open to casual sex when I m not too involved but I think just visiting for sex is insulting. Also I dont think I can have any physical relation with this man without having feelings for him and not sure he has feelings for me. (we know each other for 2 months almost) but he does not mention anything close to feelings. I guess I m just venting and trying to sort my ideas
Edited to say: I met him on dating site and he seemed v. interested at the beginning and would do anything to please me. But after we started to have sex he started to want everything his way. I dont regret it as I know if we havent had sex yet he would still be acting decent and it will be harder to discover the selfish person he is after being already emotionally involved
Edited 1/26/2006 12:17 am ET by juliara2003

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People handle grief differently, you chose to have sex with him, he didn't force you, you can't blame that on him.
Did you listen to him when he said you sound angry all the time, it might be something to look into that maybe your sending off that vibe to people.
He was looking for consolation from you in the way that he wanted you to provide it - namely sex. From his family he gets the comfort and love, from his friends he gets sympathy and probably going out drinking. From his casual dating partner thant he's already slept with, he gets sex. You fulfilled a basic need he needed at this point. And of course he was happy and upbeat - he was getting sex.
To me, it sounds like he is being pretty clear that he is looking for a FWB situation. He's not asking to see you often, he's not asking for a commitment, he's asking for a casual time, to hang out with you when he wants to and for sex. If that's not what you're looking for from him, you need to end it.
As for what he said, if this is the same guy that you dumped a while back because you told him (in a slightly abrupt way if I remember) to have a nice life then yes, you do seem to have a short fuse with him. It doesn't seem to tak much to set you off. He's never asked you for an exclusive relationship or for anything more than to hang out and have sex but yet you are expecting more.
Oh and yes, you might have been attracted to him, but to say that "you couldn't stop him" from having sex with you... umm, OK. Well the sex was consensual, you might be attracted to him, but don't put this on him or on your attraction. You chose to have sex without a commitment to this guy. You need to take responsibility that you did it and know what you did.
Unless you make your expectations clear that you are looking for something more, you need to either take what you've got or move on.
here is an update. I m even more confused now!
I met him again Thursday and we went for dinner in his part of town (about 15 min by car) then we walked together and showed me the pub he plans to buy. It was too cold and nothing much to do there so we ended up in his place and watched a movie. He was very depressed and down (I dont want to sound happy that he is down I just feel this is the right feeling to have when you loose your mom) so he talked about the point from marriage if it is going to end up always in divorce, and that he cheated on all but one GF and that he misses his mom but he is at peace with himself that her pain was over (she was sick and drank all the time) and about the last GF who was so mean and did not quite get over him, he showed pics of his late mom and husband... I got to know him a little better after our talk. and felt a little connection to him as a person not as a man I m insanely attracted to. later in the evening I tried to kiss him but he refused and said: I dont want to do anything I have to appologize for tomorrow. (I had told him he owes me an appology for acting like a jerk few nights earlier)
so I got so stubborn and got what I wanted eventually... and he did appologize too. While in his bed he said he thinks I m weird for not trying to make him a BF (Dah! I did not say I dont want him as a BF but i dont know him enough to decide at this point)
He also said he is surprised why I would date someone who lives in a different country... I guess he was looking for more answers from me but I did not give any details I just told him I like his company and I find him very attractive but did not say that I want him as a BF (truth is I dont want to rush into defining our relationship but I can tell he is interested although he sounds big time hurt)
Just comparing b/w the Sunday night at my place and Thursday night at his place I got even more confused. I could not decide whether he is a jerk or I m inconsiderate and selfish!! I just know things with him are not simple nad this gives me a headache already. I wish life was easier...
And what is it, exactly, that you like about this guy?
amjay
OK, so let me get this straight, he was a jerk the other night for wanting sex without any strings attached and you blamed it all on him because you "were so insanely attracted to him that you couldn't help yourself". This time, he tries to put on the brakes so that you two can just hang out with each other and maybe get to know each other and yet you force yourself on him and wind up sleeping with him again? I am almost speechless at all this. Interesting.
He has told you he is a cheater, said something about wondering why "you hadn't tried to make him your boyfriend" but yet nothing about a desire to make you his girlfriend, and seems to have made it clear that he doesn't think that dating someone from a different country is a bad idea. I don't think he wants to date you. This FWB situation is working fine for him. If that's what you want, fine - be prepared for that. FWB can develop into more but not often.
I agree with you. I sense a lack of interest. He is in town for another week. I will spend more time with him and see if I should drop him out of my life soon. I did dump him at the beginning kuz I thought he was a liar but felt bad after knowing he was not lying! so I m always careful not to make the same mistake again. I just want to be sure he is not interested before I cut him off and then realize I was wrong again.
I think chances are he is not serious about me and I should move on but will give him the benefit of the doubt for another week and hopefully next time I see him no sex will be involved!!! I m surprised at how things develop when we are together! we usually spend 6-7 hours everytime we meet... this is why I would insist on meeting in a public place next time and no going to his place or mine. And will discuss the LTR with him. I m not so sure I want to be in LTR but rather be as a BF/GF until we decide either to go forward or move back to only friends.
Again I would not mind having him as a friend but sex should not be involved.
I ve had never been interested in a guy who is not head over heel for me. I m a good looking, fit , educated, financially stable and loyal young woman why would I want to be with someone who does not appreciate all this!
I m not too patient either and been with him like this for about 4 months so I guess it is time to either move forward or call it a quit.
I would appreciate you telling me that I will be stupid if I do sleep with him again without discussing where we stand first.
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