Am I stuck in the same habit?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Am I stuck in the same habit?
2
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 2:22am

Hello All: please review and if I'm in the wrong section I apologise but am hoping someone can offer some direction. Also it's a little long but I thought more details the better.

A little background about me first ... I have been raised to believe that dating leads to marriage and therefore only date if you're looking to get married. Hence I have become one of those gals who dates a guy a couple of times and then it seems we've become exclusive and then in a relationship ... all in less than a few months time. So I am back in the dating field and told myself that things are going to be different this time. So I've been trying the on-line dating for about a month now ... I've gone out on a few dates and most do not meet with my expectations, so no second dates.

I was contacted by this one man and we hit it off via email and then phone, so we arranged to meet on a Monday after work ... well we actually wound up meeting on the Sunday before and enjoyed ourselves so much we met again on Monday. Since then we have met twice more in person and we have talked on the phone and emailed on pretty much a daily basis. I have gone out on a couple of dates since then but don't really want to date anyone else ... am I falling into the same habit again? If so do you have any suggestions to avoid this?

Thanks for taking the time to read and offer suggestions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 6:15am

Welcome to the Board! Yes, you are in the same pattern as before. It takes a LONG time to get to know someone well enough to make a commitment to marry. And that includes meeting and getting to know his family and friends.

I think it's wonderful that you've met a man you enjoy being with. However, remember that right now you're both in the "honeymoon" stage of dating and on your best behavior.

There are MANY things you need to know about each other...the list is very long. Not only knowledge about their basic personality, but their emotional level, character, temperment, beliefs and values....their financial status, their spending habits. Is the person honest and sincere, responsible, reliable, mature, selfless, willing to compromise, tolerant, generous? What is the person's background like? What is their relationship with their parents like? If they were married before, what was the reason for the divorce? And how many previous marriages? Does the person have children? Does he/she want more? What kind of parent is he/she? Religious beliefs. How well does he/she stand up under pressure? What is the person's employment history? Does he/she like their job, their co-workers? How well does the person deal with authority figures? Will that person be there for you when life is at it's worse or will you be left holding the bag and have to fend for yourself?

Deep, abiding, true and unconditional love is not about dinner. a movie and flowers....it's about how the two of you handle the car breaking down, the kids acting up, loss of a job and financial problems, the plumbing backing up, or when either of you is sick and look your worse...etc., etc. Will you work together as a team or work against each other?

No one is perfect, but the key is that the two of you be perfect for each other. And remember...when you are with the right person and at times don't see eye-to-eye, you will still be able to walk hand-in-hand.

Enjoy your new friend and have a great time together. It's way too soon to even be thinking about a life-long commitment.

Katie




Edited 8/3/2006 6:19 am ET by arizonalady2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 08-04-2006 - 7:56pm
Thanks for your response however I was not speaking at all of love ... we've only known each other for a little more than a month. I know that it takes longer than that to think something ... but I am using him to set the standard when I go out with other guys ... and I don't even want to go out with them but I've already set the meetings up and hate to break a promise I've made. Also I keep thinking that if I go out with others then I won't fall into the same habit. But is not wanting to go out with anyone but him and using him as a measure of other guys putting me in the same place that I've already been?