Another one vanished

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Another one vanished
13
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:45pm

Ok, variation on the same old vanishing story. And I know I had too much hope after the first date, but had a good time and just wondering if he's just playing with me or what's going on.

Had a very nice first date with an OLD guy, we kept in contact via phone/email for several weeks after, but schedules just never allowed us to get together (as much due to me being busy as him), though I made sure I was still acting interested b/c I tend to come off as rather reserved and just wanted to be intentional about expressing interest a bit more than usual (usual would = playing it very cool so that I'm sure no one could read me). Things started to slow down with the phone/email so eventually I wrote him a very no-pressure email saying basically that if he wanted to go out again the ball was in his court and I would just leave it at that email (so as not to become desperate/annoying). He quickly wrote me back and said he'd call me the week after... that was a couple weeks ago and still haven't heard from him.

I know he's "not that into" me, which actually is fine with me. I can see him being fun to hang out with as friends or as more than that. It's hard for me to just let it go b/c I have NO luck anywhere and I had a good time with him. I hate leaving things w/o some sort of closure b/c I can't stop my mind from wondering... I know he doesn't owe me closure at this point, we went out on one date for goodness sake! Is there any room for me to pursue him here?

Thanks... that was longer than intended :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 11:48pm
NEXT!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:10am

I can totally relate. Men can put on a good act on first dates, can't they? Then when they do not call or do not make plans for the 2nd date, you are baffled as to what you said or did that turned them off. Been there, and I think many on the board have been there as well. You probably would have just as soon he not "acted" like he had such a good time on the date and then you wouldn't be surprised at his vanishing act. Your e-mail was fine, however, his response if he had any interest, was lame. He may not be interested or he may be another lazy guy looking for some fantasy woman who doesn't exist. In any event, he does not deserve your time or energy.

It is hard for me to just say "next" as I have a very hard time getting over disappointments like the one you describe. However, do not let this one guy dampen your spirits. Meet others and remember that risk is involved in anything we do in life. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. That is true about a lot of things in life. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 8:26am

Hi mitsy. Yes Men are confussing that is for sure , it is such a double standard , if that was you doing that to him you would be a B***H or what ever, i hear yah and I feel for you but I would just go on and not worry about it( Oh Yah ) I am one to talk, lol , Dating stinks and all the games men play ( Very Sick ). I am sure your better then him anyway as they say life goes on and so will you.

Simmy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 10:42am

While I agree completely that this is frustrating, I have to admit that in the few dates I have had through OLD, I have acted like I was having a better time than I necessarily was having, giving the guy the impression that I would want to go out with him when I didn't really. (I mean that I make amusing conversation, listen to him, etc.)

I don't do this to deceive the guy but because I figure that I may as well have a good time. I like getting to know people. If I met these guys outside an OLD setting, I wouldn't mind them as friends. (This is why I have changed my profile to emphasize friendship.) Anyway, I wonder if some of the guys who seem to come on as though they are really interested when they aren't are just doing something like what I do--to pass the time, I engage in what I consider friendly conversation, but some guys seem to think it is the promise of more when it isn't.

I do think that disappearing after making plans to meet (which some guys have done to me a couple of times) is rude. If a person loses interest, they should tell you. And disappearing after a couple of dates after telling the person that you would call is rude also.

However, I can't fault a guy for acting like he had a good time (he probably did have a good time) and then letting me know in some polite way that he isn't interested. I've had to do it. (I hate doing it, but it is better than just disappearing.)

It is really disappointing, though, that the guys that seem to hit it off with us always seem to end up not being ready for a relationship for some reason.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:33pm

Thanks so much for all your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it, especially the acknowledgement that at times it's hard to move on. At times I think it's due as much to the idea of just "someone" rather than that particular guy. Maybe he was just choosing to enjoy that date... though he did make several allusions to going out again and did ask me out again that night. Oh well, I could analyze it to death I suppose. One thing that continues to bother me is that perhaps my lack of physicality came off as I was heading in a more "friends" direction. I know that he needed to respect my non-reciprocation and I felt fine about it at the time, but now I'm kind of regretting it (doesn't it usually work the other way around?? :)) and what it may have implied.

I think all I really want is a respectful "I'm not interested"!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 5:34pm

We can always worry about what we did/didn't do. But often there is no clear thing that causes a relationship not to work out.

I agree that a polite, "I'm no longer interested" would be a great relief a lot of times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:58am

At the very least, I think it is wrong for men to mention a "next time" or allude to a 2nd date if they have no intentions of going out with you again. I can see the reason why people would try to "act" like they're having a good time, even if they are not, but I think it is leading someone on if you talk about what we'll do next time or give the woman the impression that you want to go out again.

From my own experience, if the guy does not make firm plans for the next date the same night as the first date, then he is not likely to call later. It could be different for other people, but that has been my experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:05am

I agree that it is misleading and rude to talk about the next date and then never call. I do think that in some cases the guy may intend to get back to you and just changes his mind or never gets around to it afterwards.

I do know that I have a female friend with whom I have been intending to "do lunch" for at least three weeks. I told her I'd call her. I just keep finding that I am not free or am not certain to be free on the four days out of the week that she can make it. So I keep not calling her. I speculate that it is this way with dates also.

Of course, when the guy is really interested, he makes a special effort. But with mild interest, sometimes the guy may just put it off until it is too late to go back comfortably. I agree that it is very annoying. And when it happens to me I get pretty furious. The thing to remember, though, is that it's nothing personal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 6:08am
I think all of us have had a similar experience and we all know it's not that easy to meet that special someone. Don't give up and remember you don't want to play to hard otherwise he will think you're not into him. I think sending an email like you did was fine but if he hasn't pursued you from here I would hold off like you are doing. Keep going out and meeting new people and even have your friends help you screen these guys online. Don't give up! The man of your dreams will come knocking on your day when it's time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 12:04am
Im sorry you were hurt & that it didnt work out. But no, I dont see any room for you to pursue him w/o looking desperate. Sorry!
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