Any suggestions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Any suggestions
6
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:10pm
Oh well, i sent it wrong i guess the first time so i am sending my message again. But i forgot what i wrote :) ..anyway, hi all. I am first time here and hope you will give me an objective or actually any clue on what should i do. I have been talking to this guy online for more then a year and we get along great. Till now. Recently, we had a fight, tried to leave each other but we couldnt so we continued our "realtionship". The thing is that for the last few weeks there are tensions between us and its not that any of us want.We talked about it but cant find any solution.

I wanted to call him on the phone just for fun and he refused , more or less and i felt stupid.Generally, he is not as open up as i am and that bothers me. Altogether, i feel like i am giving more then i am getting though he says he cant reach me as there are walls all around me. We care for each other a lot and there is no possibility for us to meet and we both know it , but we had great time together and now we wonder what had happened to us? Where those good times have gone? So my question would be if it is best to leave him or ...what? Maybe we just got tired of each other.As i dont know i would really appreciate any help. Sorry for long message and excuse me for my english , i hope you understood , at least ,some of it :) bye bye
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:59pm
Welcome to our board!!! Glad to have you here, and feel free to post daily!! WEll, I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but I am going to tell you what I think. Plain and simple. A few questions, then I will share my thoughts.

You and this man have talked on line for over a year? Can you please fill me in on why you and he cannot meet? Why he has not picked up the phone and called at least one time? Are you two serious at all about pursuing a relationship with one another?

Well, just a few things you should know and I am sure some of the other ladies here can share some thoughts on this. Meeting someone on line is fine and all. Falling in love with that person is fine as well. All this being said, there has to be a point when the on line, goes off line. That means, phone calls, a meeting set up, a date, a 2nd date, then the relationship can fully blossom. There is no where this relationship can go with this man except on line and being friends, if you two cannot meet and cannot phone one another. You are actually living in a fantasy of what it can be. I understand you can have feelings for someone on line, no doubt after one year of speaking. You must take it off line for anything more to happen. If he will not after you have asked, then you must move on. He could possibly be lying to you about some things in his life if after a year he is not willing to call or meet you. You are wasting your time if you think he is going to pursue a relaltionship with you. You two will remain only friends unless you can take it off line. I have been in the same position as you. I met a guy on line last year, we clicked, had much in common, and really developed feelings for one another. He took 2 or 3 months before he called me, and that was with me begging him to. Then, he never called again and slowly disappeared while on line. Eventually, we ended things since he had issues with taking things off line. We had spoken about meeting, but he chose not to pursue things and I had to make the decision to let it go. I stopped speaking to him, because he was not willing to go the extra mile in the relationship. I was ready to meet, and pursue something. he was not. That is where it ended.

I say, if you want something more with this man, then the relationship must come off line. He needs to call you, and meet you. If that does not happen, then there is no reason for you to continue this with him unless you simply enjoy the on line chat occasionally. I do wish you luck and without knowing the exact details cannot tell you exactly what is what, but from what I just read in your post, that is my opinion. Keep us posted on the situation.

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 8:22pm
hi again ... i was kinda waiting for the response and thanks for it. Well, i have long term relationship and am not ready to meet him ( he knows about it).that phone call was supposed to be just fun ,nothing else. I mean, after such a long time of talking to each other i felt like it would be some positive change but he obviously got scared or something, dont know.When he talked about us meeting each other (type of hypothetical question ; type "what if.." ) i said i would love to meet him but that i dont think its going to happen; he was convinced it will happen as we have a lot of time ahead. You see the way he is confusing me , totally:):) Well, i trust him, he is not hiding anything..thats out of the question. I dont want us to be anything more. Well, i would want more if i dont have someone else who i would not leave for this , online guy. I am a mess , right !:) Anyway, all i want from him is to be more open up.You see, i dont see any problem in saying that i came online just to see him and at the same time when i say it i sense that i said too much.Its so complicated to explain. He cares for me , i know that. He loves talking to me. If i am sad, he is there to cheer me up. If i have any problem , he will try to help. We are really good friends and i appreciate it. But there comes the time when he wants it to be something else,something more and i accept it. When i want it to be something more , as i said, i sense that its too much for him to handle. "Something more" would be some sweet talk or something. You see, he is always worried if i am going to leave him, if i love him, if i thought of him yesterday etc. And i respond to him honestly. On the other hand, he is not giving me feeling of importance. Indirectly i tried to talk about it and he told me that i am wrong, that he cares for me and that he could never leave me. Not long time ago i said good bye , never again ... and he was so worried about it. Even now he didnt fully get over it. Oh , i ramble:) I am sorry... am trying to make it clear to myself i guess :)

We had great time, so much fun together ... and after that leaving of mine nothing is as it was before. Though we both know we care for each other, we are not as open as we used to be; i dont feel free to say i missed him or something like that. I dont want to leave him but it is so painful to be there, talk to him and not be free to show any of my feelings. If he was reading this , he would say it was all my fault, that i am not relaxed enough, that i constantly worry about nothing:) Just crossed my mind , is this the time when it is not enough to meet online only and being unable to meet offline we get bored of each other? or this guy has big ego? or i am just stupid? but talking to anyone for more then a year , be it offline or online , is a long time and i cant call it a mistake and move on.Or i should ? :)
Avatar for salsal2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 4:25am
Honey,

I was wondering the same thing Gail asked, "why can't you guys ever meet", and i think i got the answer from yr second post.

Your english is very quaint and sweet and i think i managed to understand that you are already in a long-termlrelationship with someone? If that is the case, i really don't blame your online friend from pulling back and not wanting to exchange intimacies and everything anymore since you have gotten the message across to him (presumably, you have to me!) that your realiife physical relationship has more priority.

"What is wrong", you demand, "in pursuing this friendship as well?"

well, think of it from the ohter guy's view. Is it fair? is it cheating? is it fair to play on his affection for you? if you are getting everything in yr reallife relationship, why do this online? if he is pulling back, it is because you have somewhere overstepped the boundaries of "just friends" and now does not feel comfortable saying "i miss you" and other intimate stuff. sometimes, you can't just have your cake and eat it. We say here, you can't have god and the sacrificial lamb too. you gotta choose.

Be fair to him. And your real life guy!!!

Goodluck.

Sal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 7:39am
Hi ! You are right, of course:) But somewhere ( as you said) i overstepped the boundaries... ok. But i was not talking to myself, you know. There was maybe something that he said or did that made me overstepped it. and why this pulling back now and not at the very first message we exchanged ? I told him about my relationship the first night we talked. Wasnt bothering him then, why should it bother him now? "I gotta choose" really scared me , you know :) But suppose you are right. As far as my real life relationship is concerned..well, everything with this online guy started as a friendship, to kill time , to have some fun while surfing the net. Never thought we would talk this long, never thought i could feel close to anyone over the net, i never wanted it to happen. But it happened. And , as i said, it was two way street... i wasnt dreaming he told me he thinks of me, he bought my favorite CD just to listen to it as it reminds him of me ,etc. All that time he knew about my b/f !

I stopped now and thought about it all. Why do i bother at all !? Its not friendship anymore , it will not be anything more , its not fun anymore and i am heading into trouble!:) I guess its time to "choose"!:) I think i will disappear from his life ... once more ! :)

Thanks for your help :)

Ivana
Avatar for salsal2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-04-2003 - 11:21am
Good for you, smart girl, and Good luck. Of course the boundaries were not overstepped by you alone. Men are brilliant at breaking down our defenses and falling in love... or pretending to... the question is, which you chose to keep. Good for you.

Wishing you every happiness and success in yr life.

Sal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:29pm
Great advice Sal! You are a true asset to this board. Thank you.

gail