Are we actually IN a relationship??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Are we actually IN a relationship??
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 11:12am
I need some perspective here.

At the end of April I met a guy online, though He saw my profile, instant messaged me and we began to talk. We talked a couple of weeks online and then I gave him my phone number. We started talking on the phone, and about a week after that we met. He came to see me ( he lives 1 ½ hrs) away. We had dinner and drinks and it went well. I was leaving the country after that for 2 weeks, but we talked all while I was gone and got together as soon as I got back. We have been together every weekend since I usually drive the 1.5 hrs, we are intimate and I have met some of his friends, and we talk everyday.

A about 3 weeks ago we had a conversation about our ‘relationship’ some of the things he said were “I’m not sure I want more of a relationship than we have now”, “I’m not sure I’m up for another disaster or I want someone telling me what to do again”, and when I asked him to go to a birthday part with me for my friends he said “I’m not sure what my obligations are”. But, we agreed not to see anyone else because ‘he doesn’t do that’ and I don’t either and plus didn’t want to. At that point I understood he wasn’t sure what he wanted. I accepted that, though frankly since I met him on not sure why he even bothered if he didn’t. He mentioned something about now knowing it would work out like this.

That was about 3 weeks ago. We haven’t discussed it since. I have met some of his friends but none of his family. He has met my friends (he was at my place and they came over unexpected). We have talked about a beach trip together sometime this summer. He’s at the beach now with a buddy and has called me to check his email for him and things. We’ve had arguments like normal couples how he left me too long (45mins) to talk to his buddy outside and I was irritated and he said he’d not do it again and try to keep it to a time I thought was cool.

I’m a bit confused as to what exactly is going on here. I’m not sure if we are in something that is growing into a relationship, or we’re nowhere and I am making something out of nothing. I’m confused and I don’t really want to bring up the subject with him again because I don’t need a label… I just want some opinions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 11:24am
Sounds like friends with benefits to me. He doesn't have to commit, doesn't have to worry about you finding anyone else, has you in a relationship without the title. Sounds cool if your ok with it but as time goes by you will get emtionally involved and if you want more I say speak up sooner than later because you will be the one with the short in of the stick.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 11:40am
To me it is very clear he does not want a relationship that is serious or could potentially be leading to marriage -right now - he sees that as an obligation not a joyful experience - and so because people move towards pleasure and away from pain he is trying to avoid a relationship with you. I am surprised that you would argue at this early point about whether he stays on the phone too long, etc - that sounds more like an old married couple than a couple first getting to know each other (I don't count the on line time as getting to know each other) - it also sounds like you are putting in more of the effort as far as going to visit him. For whatever reason - and don't take it personally - he doesn't see you as the one - for marriage or for a serious relationship but he is willing to be sexually monogamous with you.

I also would not compare your relationship to others - they all move at different paces but his statements to you are very clear as to what he wants and does not want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 11:48am
Welcome!! So, glad you thought you could post here. Please, post often and give out advice if you feel you can!! Anywho. About this guy. It definitely sounds to me like you two need to really clarify the relationship. Sounds like you two are "friends w/ benefits", and nothing more. I would say you need to decide what you want and then ask him what he wants, and go from there. IF you are two are only sleeping with one another, that does not mean you two are in a relationship. Maybe a sexual relationship. I think a long talk is in need here. You need to first realize what you want out this relationship, then talk with him. I mean, not to sound mean....but it sounds like you two are only sleeping together exclusively, not really dating seriously. From what he is saying, he doesnt know either. I would make sure to get this sorted, asap. Goodluck with this and keep us posted.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 12:32pm
I guess I just wondered because if it was just friends with benefits, it seems to me he wouldn't care that I didn't like something he was doing and he wouldn't make an effort to change and he wouldn't be talking about us going away for the weekend and he wouldn't be concered about who i'm with and what i'm doing and where i'm going. I guess I was just hoping it was growing.

Thanks guys for you opinions. Sometimes you need the hear the cold hard truth from someone before you can face it yourself. I think we need to have that talk, I just have to work up the courage to have it.

Edited 7/8/2003 12:46:53 PM ET by nikkii24

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 1:34pm
Sure you have a "relationship"...any sustained interaction between two people is a "relationship". However, this is a casual relationship that's unlikely to lead to anything more serious.