Are we Dating or Hanging Out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Are we Dating or Hanging Out?
9
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 9:47am

I'm met someone online and have been seeing him for a few months! No intimacy (just hugs at the end of the date), but great conversation and we enjoy each other's company when we are together. We have joked about the "intimacy" issue; you know I may make a comment about a totally different topic and say "gee, that's hard", and then he may reply, "I know you want some of this hard body" and I would giggle. He also jokes about himself saying "I may laugh at him if he gets naked" and/or may laugh at "peanut"! Mmmh, why would a 6'2, 255 lb. man wearing a size 12 shoe refer to his tool as "peanut"??? Gee I'm use to men bragging, but possibly he is just joking!

Seemingly he likes the attention and enjoys reminding me of how I behave around him, but he has not responded towards me in the same manner. Yes, he has told me that I'm attractive and he finds me interesting (via telephone) but doesn't playfully touch me.
He also mentioned he is not into PDA - public display of affection. I replied, my goodness you have a guard up; and his response was "like a fortress!" DARN, DARN, DARN!!!!

SO....................ARE WE DATING OR JUST HANGING OUT???

I would be honest in saying that possibly I'm seeking answers but am wondering if I'm trying to rush this process and/or is it to soon to seek answers? Meaning he can be into me but in no hurry to rush the process especially since he is surrounded by a fortress. Sadly to say, I'm not use to this type of dating (taking the slow approach or a man surrounded by a fortress that he is not able to be intimate); although on the flip side it's welcoming that someone seemingly is interested in me personally other than on the sexual tip. Of course, the buildup (sexual tension) is overwhelming, but not sure if it's mutual. Too much thought process, and what if I end up with Peanut?? Geez!

Thanks for any input..

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:16am

Hmmm... you said you've been seeing each other for a few months but there has been no more physical contact than a hug? How old are you both? Are both your profiles still up? I think it's time to ask him what's up.

If he had been a few weeks, I'd say he reminded me of my ex-A, who was also a big guy and not really into PDA. We had several dates before he kissed me, and it did become intimate. Our relationship was never super passionate but it had it's moments and while he wasn't into PDA he had his way of showing his affection. If we were sitting somewhere, he liked to tuck his hand under my leg or hold onto one of my belt loops as we walked around. He always told me he never felt comfortable verbalizing his "feelings" but he did have other ways of showing them. Perhaps, that is what your guy is doing.

I think the "fortress" comment may be a red flag or at the very least a yellow flag. A. had issues with emotional intimatacy and long term committment. We ended up breaking up because he decided he doesn't ever want to be in a long term relationship or get married. He just wanted to have fun and date people without having to worry about being responsible to anyone else. I still see him on jdate all the time, so it looks like that's what he's doing

I'm not sure my stories helped you, but at least you're not alone in what you are feeling. :) My best advice is to ASK him what is going on. Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

Oh, and in my experience if a guy says he's hung like a peanut. He IS hung like a peanut. But it's not the size, it's what he can do with it. ;)

Good Luck. Keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:38am

My first instinct is that you are just hanging out or that he has some MAJOR intimacy issues. A few months is a very long time to go without even kissing. However, there was an interesting article on MSN dating that I read this morning that you might find useful. Best advice is if you want to kiss him or move it in that direction, you need to either ask him what is up or initiate it yourself (either subtly or outright). Oh and the self-depricating humor about his size, probably not a good sign. ;-)

http://msn.match.com//msn/article.aspx?articleid=3894&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&GT1=6542&ER

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:52am

calilawgirl....

Yes a few months 2-1/2 months, he is 39 and I'm 44. Both of our profiles are still posted and yes, I need to be direct and ask him what's up!!

I know size doesn't matter (depending on the person) but a PEANUT -- that would be a first but an experience I could do without!!

Yes, I totally can relate to EXPECT nothing; but I don't like feeling frustrated when I'm seeing someone for a period of time. Met online, great meet and greet, and have been seeing each other since. Both of our profiles state "Casual Dating" although in conversation we are both open to more. Anyway, not seeking perfection but would like to spend my time with someone who is on the same page with me. This waiting around or trying to figure him out is NOT fun and frustrating.

At this juncture, I'll "hang" with him, but I've ceased with the flirting and will ignore his intimacy-based jokes. Of course, once I approach the subject directly maybe the option of just "hanging-out" or "dating" may NOT be an option! (smile)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:52am

"Oh and the self-depricating humor about his size, probably not a good sign."

;-)I have to totally agree with Vex on that one!

 

http://tickers.ticke

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 11:55am

Just hugs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 8:13pm

Going out for several months, you are both around forty years old, he likes to make risque jokes, but nothing happens. I've heard this before..in a song for Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers: "A fine romance, with no kisses....A fine romance, my good fellow, you take romance, I'll take jello..." (I think Dorothy Fields wrote those lyrics).

Well, unless you think you two are a modern Fred and Ginger, I'd say there's no romance in the future. This guy has hang-ups. (Vexer--thanks for the link to that interesting article.) You need to find out: is it religion, neurosis, sexual fears...what have his previous experiences with women been like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 1:27am

Hmm - I've read all the other responses and those were not my initial guesses. My first thought is he is involved with someone else yet maybe unsure as to how that relationship is evolving/winding up. He enjoys spending time with you yet does not want to become more romantic and lead you on. So you go on these "dates" that aren't terribly romantic. That way he has you around for the moment he want to "flip the switch".

There is also a distinct possibility he's just a complete tool....tough to say for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 11:15am

Well, regardless of all the different responses (some or all of which could be true), I've decided to date others and basically see him if and when he wants to; which in all likelihood will NOT happen since my interest has diminished. This past weekend we talked and had planned to get together but we never hooked up. The bottom line is that he is not in the same place as myself. I'm seeking companionship with the potential for more, and although we all have baggage, I have low tolerance for men with issues who are incapable of dealing with them.

Oh well, another one bites the dust!! (smile)

Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 7:38pm

I think you made the right decision. I know for me personally, I want to be with someone who is just as excited to be with me as I am him. I don't think I'm alone in that feeling.

It didn't sound like that was what was happening here. I'm glad you recognized it before your heart got anymore involved and have decided to move forward.

Good Luck and Have fun with all those new men! :)