Argh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Argh!
11
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 4:06pm

One of my pet peeves is lack of planning for a date. I hate it when a guy asks me out and puts no effort into coming up with a plan. I have a second date with a guy tonight. First date, we went to a place I had mentioned I like, had a nice time. For tonight's date, we played phone tag last night and today until just now when we finally talked and he says, so what do you want to do?! I said, what did you have in mind? He obviously had nothing in mind, did not even remember where I live or where my town IS, so he just said, how about you come out here? !!!!! What is UP with having no plan in mind and the 'you come to me' thing? I am pretty sure this will be our last date, and I kinda feel like I don't even want to go tonight. Ugh. Since I am not going to cancel I will give it a chance though. Mostly just venting!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: orchid2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 5:29pm
That is frustrating! When they don't plan early on - that is a bad sign for the future! I don't like it when the guy does the constant "you come to me" either - it's lazy. That was Mr. Handsy's suggestion for the second actual date is that I come over to his house and he'll make dinner. Umm, no. I drove my butt out there (30 minutes with no traffic, a lot more if there IS) last time and spent 8 freakin' hours there. You drive to me this time bub.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
In reply to: orchid2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 5:47pm

One of my peeves too. At one time I put in my ad that "planning imparied men are a problem" a man should be able to put together a date, plan something fun we both might enjoy - is that too much to ask. I took it out though, sounded bitchy!

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 12:50pm

Thanks everyone. Update . . . surprisingly had a nice time last night! As I was driving to the date I thought okay, I am going on the date so I might as well find a way to enjoy it. So I decided to approach it from the point of view, it is a second date and we are learning about each other and I am learning that he is probably not a plan-in-advance kind of guy but why not ask? So I did. He said he is more spontaneous than not but plans with some things. Most of the guys I have dated in the past have been great at planning in advance and I really like that and have decided not to date some guys because of poor planning, but I think I will try taking a more active role and see how that goes. He is calling tonight and I think I will try to nail down details of the next date tonight, rather than waiting until the day of the date like this time.

More about the date, yesterday he had a really bad day at work and I could tell it was bothering him at the beginning of the date but he was still polite and pleasant to be around, and in a better mood by the end of the date. I like seeing guys on good days and bad, it helps you see all sides of their personality and see how they act when stressed.

Ooh, and we had our first kiss at the end of the date - very brief but nice. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:15pm

That's great you had a good time. Hope it continues to go well.

However, there's a difference between sponteneity and laziness. The lack of a plan of even WHERE to go on a first meet borders on laziness IMO - the guy should still pick where to go and make sure it's OK with you. The first few times, I think he should plan it to indicate his interest level. Sponteneity is saying after having a great time at the place he chose to meet you, "Let's go for a walk" or "Let's go to that new jazz club down the street" or after dating a while "Let's go on a roadtrip this weekend - you pick the spot!". Not, "oh I dunno, where do YOU wanna go?" Anyhoo, JMHO. Just something to keep your eyes open for - hopefully he won't be lazy!

Isn't it interesting the different views we all have of these first meets? :-) I'm not judging AT ALL but I would never in a gazillion years kiss someone on a first meet. I guess b/c to me, it's just that - a meet to see if we're compatible enough to go on a date. To many others, it's actually a date and if that date goes well, they'll kiss the guy. Good luck, I hope it works out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:22pm

Why get all huffy when opportunity is staring you right in the face. You sit down with a pen and paper and make a long list of all the things you want to do on a date. Is there a particular restaurant you'd like to try? How about parasailing? bungee jumping? A nice trip to an expensive bed and breakfast?

Since this guy can't come up with things for you to see and do, do it yourself and make sure he has lots of available credit on the plastic he keeps in his wallet to spend on your favorite activities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:31pm

Ha ha, no I don't kiss on first meets either! This was the second meet/date. :)

I appreciate your thoughts. Here is how I am looking at the planning thing. The issue for me is really that I like to have things planned out in advance - I like to know where I am going and when. I am used to guys doing most of that planning esp in the early stages. However, I think that maybe I am being too narrow in that expectation, as I am looking for a long term relationship and I'm not sure that poor planning in the early stages is a dealbreaker for me. If we are still together in five years, it won't really matter that he didn't plan our second date well. I guess I am trying to do a more precise job of defining my dealbreakers.

Right now, I don't know if the issue is that he likes to fly by the seat of his pants (not cool with me) or that he just doesn't see the need to plan in advance but is receptive to doing so (fine with me). So, what I am going to try is taking more initiative in making sure plans are made in advance and see if things work out that way.

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 1:34pm
I am a little confused, I said nothing about $$$. Anyway, the rest of your post I agree with. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:25pm
It's a very healthy outlook that you have! A lot of women (me included at times) feel as if men should know what to do, how to plan, etc.; and that is not always the case. In relationships, one person may be weak in certain areas and the other stronger. If you are a better planner, and he is receptive to it, so be it. He'll grasp it eventually. Glad you are giving him a chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:33pm

Actually, this is interesting. I'm reading Dr. Phil's "Love Smart" book. I am finding it to be an GREAT book so far and I am only halfway through Chapter 2! Anyway, the things he is saying should be common sense but are things that we women sometimes fail to do. The chapter I was reading at lunch was about defining the qualities that you want in a man - he has a list in 5 different groupings. He asks you to go through and circle the ones you want in a mate and then to go through that list and come up with the "20%" you are willing to compromise on. His point is that you will NEVER find someone with 100% of the traits you want but that you shouldn't compromise for less than 80% of those traits and you should NEVER give in on a dealbreaker. The remaining 20% can be worked on - you'll never them all but you'll probably be able to get some and that's great.

So, you need to decide if this attitude is something you can compromise on. A little more time with him will tell whether or not he is lazy or fly by the seat of his pants or just not a big planner but will do so.

OK - glad to know there's no kissy face on the first meet! Like I said, not that there's anything wrong with that! ;-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
In reply to: orchid2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:37pm
Thanks tstephnic & vexer. Vexer, I have that book too! I wasn't thinking about the book last night but I guess that is pretty much the line of thinking I had. So, I guess what I am saying is that this might fall into the 20%.

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