ARGH!!!!!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
ARGH!!!!!
23
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 5:47pm

Ok, I need help in not sending off an angry message to this guy...I KNOW I should just blow it off, but I want to tell him how RUDE and condescending it is to say:

"Sorry, but we're definitely not a good fit...Good luck."

Yes, it's a canned Yahoo response but there ARE other choices...this one is just SOOOO rude!

And FWIW, there were no details in his "what he wants in a match" that I didn't fit...so why be so rude to me in return???

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:07pm

You know, I never liked that one either. There is just something about it that had always annoyed me. I'd prefer no response to something like that. Actually, I'm one who likes no reponse at all. Silence can speak volumes!

NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:24pm

Hi Sheri,

I can tell you EXACTLY why you and he are Not a good match!

1.You Have a brain and a heart,and Use them!

2. You have enough class and charm NEVAH to send a tacky reply like That!

3. You deserve someone SO much better than Mr Ego!

that was easy, huh? :)

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 12:05am

Okay, I've been biting my tongue (well, I guess the internet equivalent is sitting on my hands) and not ranting about this topic the past couple of times it has come up.

That ends now. Apologies in advance to all that my opinion is about to offend.

First of all...

>>"Sorry, but we're definitely not a good fit...Good luck."

Yes, it's a canned Yahoo response but there ARE other choices...this one is just SOOOO rude!<<

Let me get this straight. This guy didn't even actually WRITE this, and you're ranting about thinking about writing back to him? It's a canned response, you're just going off on him for selecting it? (I don't use Yahoo so I'm not familiar with their responses.)

Okay, first things first. My mother ALWAYS made me write return letters. My grandma actually smacked my hand once when I started to play with a toy I got instead of immediately sitting down and writing out a "thank you" note to the person who'd given it to me.

So yeah, maybe I grew up in a weird family. (No, make that "definitely".) But the fact is that in polite society, as a general rule, if someone sends you a note, you send them one back. Period. End of story.

To say that someone sending a note back is somehow bad is so ridiculous it's almost not even worth arguing over.

There could be a million reasons why this guy thinks you are "definitely" not a match, NWW. It might be that he doesn't like educated women, and you are obviously quite educated. It might be that he doesn't like women with your hair color- maybe his mom has the same or something. Maybe you look like his ex. Maybe he vastly prefers women with a different body type, or maybe he smokes and you don't, or vice versa. Maybe he just doesn't like you.

The point is that you are looking at it in a TOTALLY self-centered, "all about me" way. You are automatically assuming that the reason that this guy thinks you are not a match is ABOUT YOU.

Well, girlfriend, time to wake up and smell the Starbucks. It's not always all about you!

Do you like every guy that you see? Have you ever met a guy or seen a guy and known immediately that there was no way you and him were ever going to be a match? Well, it might work the other way, you know. And if/when it does, it's about what is going on in HIS mind. It doesn't really have anything at all to do with you.

Next:

To be really frank: If your ego cannot handle getting a "thanks, but no thanks" note, you probably shouldn't be doing OLD.

I find it ludicrous that women are whining about getting rejected.

Next: Every guy on here is thinking the same thing as me, but I'm the only one stupid/brave (those two things are often one and the same) enough to say it:

JUST DEAL WITH IT.

Guys get the cold shoulder in bars. I've gone up to a girl and said "Hi, I'm NiceGuyOnline, can I buy you a drink?" and had her look me up and down and say "God, no", and then turn back to her girlfriends (who, of course, laughed at her rudeness.)

Guys get the cold shoulder in school. Guys get the cold shoulder in college. Guys get the cold shoulder at work, in parks, at a ballgame, or just walking down the street. I had a woman actually roll her eyes and make a disgusted sound at me when all I did- literally all I did- was look her right in the eye and SMILE at her. I didn't grab my crotch, or say "hey, baby, wanna humphump?" or anything- I just smiled.

Guys, from the time we're old enough to have noticed that the girls were growing bumps in places they didn't use to have bumps, have been getting shot down, flamed out, burned, crashed, spindled, mutilated, turned down, turned out, turned off, denied, rejected and dejected.

And you know what? We (usually) keep going. We might take a break, but we get back up on the horse (or the donkey) and just keep on plugging.

So don't EVEN start acting like rejection is something new, or unheard of. Imagine, just for a minute, that this has been happening like this to you HUNDREDS OF TIMES a year since you hit puberty. Welcome to the world of a single guy.

Look at (to pick on someone) LG. You think this smart, caring, funny man got as slightly jaded and bitter as he appears to be by accident? No, he got like that because his soul is sick and tired of putting himself out there time and again, and seeing the door slammed in his face over and over.

Ask any guy in here- if they're honest, they'll tell you, learning to deal with rejection is just something guys know, and deep in our little lizard hearts, we think it's about darned time women started feeling the pain too.

More: I think it's far, far more rude to simply ignore someone- to not even acknowledge they EXIST by ignoring their email- than it is to send out a canned message that says "we're not a match".

His canned note was not rude. You have no idea why he thinks the two of you are not a match. It could be anything, but some weird combo of huge ego (how dare he send that to you?) and weird self-image (what is it that he sees that he thinks is so bad?) is totally blocking your head.

NWW, you're normally so much more reasonable, smart, and wise about this. Let it go, drift off into the ether. You don't think it's good to get/send rejection notes? Don't send them. But don't complain about it when YOU are the one who signed up and use a service that has them.

If you don't want to get them, don't use the service. Complaining about it when you signed up for it is a bit like joining the Army right now and whining if they send you to Iraq.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:37am

>>Imagine, just for a minute, that this has been happening like this to you HUNDREDS OF TIMES a year since you hit puberty. Welcome to the world of a single guy.<<

Um...welcome to the world of a single gal too. Rejection hits both sides. If you've read enough of the threads here, male and female, I think it's fair to say that both sexes have been stung in this area.

I also think you missed Sheri's original thought. It wasn't the "rejection", but the tone of it. Again, if you've read enough posts here, you'd realize that Sheri is usually the voice of reason in these type of situations. She's the one who is uaually quick to say, "Next!" and move on.

So, she's having a bad day. Lighten up!!! Sheesh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 9:42am
EXACTLY! The rejection and ghosting I can deal with. Like I said in my post about the eH canned responses - most of them, I couldn't care less about. I just say fine, buh bye and delete. The one that says "Based on statements in their profile, I am not interested in this match" is downright hurtful and cruel and the one that says "I don't feel any chemistry" is hurtful and BS! When someone sends me a canned rejection from eH, I am not offended by the rejection itself. But when they send those responses, I feel hurt and as if there is something horribly wrong with ME because of how those are worded. Those flat out imply that there is something wrong with ME and he doesn't even want to communicate with me because of it. It is along the lines of eric's chicky that told him that he was great personality but not her type looks-wise. It is uncalled for and there are more polite ways of saying the same thing.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:05am

Yep...for me, it's much less about the fact of being rejected (I expect that and can handle that), as the WAY of being rejected.

But I'm over it today ;-). Let's just hope no one else I winked at yesterday sends me one of those nasty emails today!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 02-12-2005 - 2:35am

A) Gee, thought you were ignoring me. Remember what a big deal you made about it, how important you felt it was to let everyone know you were doing it?

Guess that wore off, eh?

B)
>> Again, if you've read enough posts here, you'd realize that Sheri is usually the voice of reason in these type of situations. She's the one who is uaually quick to say, "Next!" and move on.<<

Actually, in this particular situation, Shari has a blind spot as big as a bus. She has ranted almost as much as I have about "thanks, but no thanks" emails- and that is a LOT.

I understand she feels very strongly about it. I do too. The difference is that she's all ticked off at a guy who *didn't do anything intended to harm her feelings*. If he had, he could've done a million things more harsh/mean/nasty than simply clicking on some standard response button.

I get bent out of shape when people don't send, but at least I know that they're not trying to hurt me; they just honestly don't think that they need to send, or should send, a "thanks, no thanks" email. I accept it. I think it stinks but I'm not sitting around assigning nefarious motives to these people; I realize perfectly well that it's MY obesession/problem, not theirs.

Which is what I was trying to point out to Shari.

I agree with you; normally, on nearly everything else, she's quite possibly one of the most level-headed, common sense, cool people on the board. I've learned a lot from her. I hate to see her get all bollixed up by this thing, bad day or no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:55pm

A) Gee, thought you were ignoring me. Remember what a big deal you made about it, how important you felt it was to let everyone know you were doing it?

Guess that wore off, eh?

NGOL-Tacky...Tacky...Tacky

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 1:20pm
Well said!!! Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 2:13pm

Guilty as charged. I'll wear the "tacky" label all day today. :)

I just couldn't resist. The irony and hypocrisy was too overwhelming.

I suppose the "I only did back what someone else did to me first" is not a compelling defense, but it's all I have. :)