Asking him to take his AD off the web?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Asking him to take his AD off the web?
13
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 10:56am
I met a guy online (though a website where a friend the guy is the one who recommends the guy) so the ad was posted by his neighbor, not by him directly. Anyhow, it's been almost two months now and we've been on a number of dates and have been intimate with each other. Things are going very well, and we are not really rushing into anything too serious too quickly. I'm 30 and he's 34. SO, of course, here is my delimma... his ad is still up on this website, and honestly, I do not want to be dating someone who may be keeping an ad up in case something better comes along (yes, that's my ego talking). I know that this is his decision to make - but is it even a subject I should or can broach without seeming too insecure? It wouldn't bother me if he were dating other people, because then the decision would be mine as to whether I would want to continue seeing him. I guess my overall problem is, I don't want to get close, unless he's ready to commit to me only. Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 12:33pm
Welcome. I would have to say, yes this is a delicate topic if the relationship is new. A suggestion maybe. Ask him straight out? "Are we exclusive?" OR, you could bring up the topic by suggesting someone asked you out and you werent sure if you should say yes or no, since you two had not been dating that long. See what he says. OR...the best thing to do is simply let things flourish on their own. If it is meant to be it will be. I am sure if the neighbor originally put the ad up for him, it is really not something he realizes is still there. I wouldnt think too much about it really. All in all, be honest in this new relationship. Just talk to him about it and be open. It will set the ground work for a great relationship. Honesty is best here. If he is going to like you, he will like everything about you. Insecure or not. Just go with honesty. If you want to start out on a good foot, be honest. Just my opinion. Goodluck!

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 2:06pm
Just for me, personally, I wouldn't have sex with anyone who wasn't completely exclusive with me - and I was recently faced with this situation. Why not bring it up and say that it is fine if he wants to date others but then you are uncomfortable with the level of intimacy. Did you have this discussion before you got intimate or did it not come up?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 2:35pm
Thanks for your input! I know everyone has their feelings on when to be intimate, I'm a little more open about it (but very careful!). We have not had the discussion and have just began the "intimacy" portion of the relationship. My greatest concern is that once I become intimate with a guy, that's when my feelings start to really set-in. Like I said, I would not be bothered if he still wanted to see other people, and frankly, I really don't think that there is anyone else. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years just over a year ago, and this is my first "serious" relationship. I mean serious in the sense of it's the first guy I feel a great connection with. It's been so long since I've been in the dating world, I can't remember what its like! And I'm so worried about screwing this up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 2:38pm
Hi! Thanks for such a great response. I'm guessing that he is not even paying attention to the ad since his neighbor is the one who put it there... but I am so curious as to whether he is getting emails from other women and what he might be saying to them? He's a very decent guy and does not give me the impression (or any of my friends) that he is a player. They all seem to agree that he is head over heels for me. I may have the opportunity to broach the subject by saying that someone has asked me on a date, since I just bumped into an old acquaintance from 10 years ago who asked for my number. So maybe this will be the perfect opportunity! Overall though, you are absolutely correct, honesty is the best policy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 10:40pm
My two cents - playing the indirect "someone asked me out" card can backfire - he will think you are trying to make him jealous or worse will say "go for it" either have the conversation straight out or not at all, IMHO. If you are comfortable enough with him to have him inside of you this conversation should not be such a problem
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 1:01am
I had the same problem with a guy I had dated. I met him on matchmaker.com and had been dating him for a few mos and had been intimate as well. On matchmaker.com you can see the last time they were online. And he was on like every day. I kept telling him how much it irritated me, and asked him if he was trying to meet other people, his reply was that it was like a chat room but you know more about people through their profiles. I ended up doing the wrong thing, and tried breaking his pw and started a seperate SN as well to see if he would meet "me". Well, he had pics of another chick in his email box. And was intending on meeting her. Not that this is what your fella is doing. But I would mention something to him about it. My ex guy ended up dating someone else and a few mos later came crawling back, after I was in a relationship that was honest and trusting. Good luck!

~Kristina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:04am
Oh, don't get me wrong - I would never fake another guy asking me out on a date. I actually DO have another guy interested in asking me out on a date, which is why now is the perfect time to talk to the one I am dating. I agree, honesty is the best policy, and I think the best thing is to come right out there and ask him what kind of relationship he is looking for, that way I can decide whether to continue dating him, or move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 10:08am
It's a weird situation, huh! and this is the first time I've ever met and dated a guy this way. I think the best thing is to ask him what kind of relationship he is looking for. On the web, it said looking for a serious relationship - but again, this was his neighbor filling in the information for him, not himself. He's mature enough that he should be comfortable talking about this, and actually, he should expect the topic to come up eventually. He's been very attentive to me, and has continued to show sincere and expressed interest in seeing me more - so there's no better time than now!

Thanks for the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 11:12am
Well, Deena IMHO, even if you do say "someone asked me out", and he thinks she is making him jealous and is no longer interested, then he is not he guy for her in the first place. It is not like she is flaunting a man in his face. Simply asking indirectly if someone asked her out, should she say yes or no. Leaving it up to him to decide if they are serious. Putting the control his hands.It is also a way to see if he is the jealous type and can help you figure out more about his character as well. If he says go out with others, then she knows it is not serious between them and she will go out with someone else.Problem solved either way. Like she said, someone has actually asked her out,so no lie there. lol I just think it is a smooth way to bring up the topic of "are we exclusive or not". I have used it a few times and it works everytime. No harm in it really. Like I said though, honesty is best for all situations of the heart. Go for it snowy!!

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 2:05pm
Oh - I know it was true not fake - but I would still not mention it - just ask the real question. Best of luck!!!!!

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