back in the saddle

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
back in the saddle
25
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 10:51pm

On another board (and starting with this one) I was chronicling the ups and downs of what turned out to be a 1-month fling with a guy I met online. Anyway, that's kaput as of yesterday (he sent me an impersonal email today saying he guesses I'm right in not wanting to meet again and wished me the best--I promptly deleted it). Initially I thought I was too beat down to continue with OLD, I thought why not just get my profile back up there and see what happens? So I go to match.com and his profile is already back up!! With the fake age too!! He's still claiming to be 30 instead of 35. Schmuck.

I blocked him from contacting me and updated my profile a bit. I reworded certain parts, like the fact that I've recently had disappointing experiences but that it's given me a clearer idea of what I'm looking for. He'll see soon enough that my profile is also back and we'll go back to being anonymous strangers to one another.

Anyway, I reactivated my match.com and eharmony accounts. It helps me to feel like I'm back to normal. Today was a good day, in fact. But a part of me knows it's probably best not to go out on dates when I'm mostly motivated by a rebound impulse. So I won't be in a rush to schedule meetings, but it helps to know that I'm putting myself back out there. I also want to continue contributing to the board, as this has been a lot of fun and really illuminating.

What a whirlwind the last month was. It seems surreal now...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:30am
What happened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:27am

I think that guy turned out to be a bit of a schmuck.

I stand on my initial impression that liars should be handled with kid gloves, regardless of how innocent their little lies may seem. Could it be that he was just out for fun and good times, without really wanting an exclusive relationship? I bet you anything that he tries ot email you in a month.

Get rid of the comment about disappointing relationships, it will sound negative. No need to mar your wonderful profile with a reference to this loser.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 11:16am
Definitely take the thing out about disappointing relationships! Whenever I see a guy's profile with something like that, I will definitely pass him by because he sounds bitter and cynical. I know I am bitter and cynical myself but I try not to let that come off in my profile because I know from my own side it is a huge turnoff! If you still want to say something, maybe just say that your past relationships have taught a lot so you have a clear idea you what you do and don't want. Still gets the point across without sounding bitter. Everyone wants someone emotionally healthy and upbeat. I'm not saying you aren't, but that comment sure makes it sound like you are.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 11:36am

You can catch up on my travails on the Ask Men board. That's where I poured out all the details.

I will remove any reference to him in my profile. I just need to delete him out of my existence. And I will bet you he won't call, but we'll check back in a month, if I even remember who he is by then.

This whole experience raises a couple of questions though about dating, men, and accomplished women. I always thought those guys who were just out for a good time are pretty clear about what they want in their heads and are scheming and devious in all sorts of ways toward their women prey. In my case, I do now think he wasn't interested in anything more than a fun, physical relationship, but he didn't know it at the time. So to me, this created a whole new type of red flag: the confused good guy who thinks he's emotionally mature and ready for a relationship but ultimately is just as bad as the scheming player because he's really not capable of anything more. I think he really does see himself as a good, sensitive guy who respects women and doesn't just have sex with whomever. Do people know what I'm talking about?

The other issue this experience has raised for me is how no matter how much they might insist they're not bothered by it, men have difficulties being with a woman who is more accomplished than they are. We never talked about it, but looking back, we were a total mistmatch education/profession wise and I think over time, his behavior around the topic of work and careers became more and more uneasy because he is at a place in his life where he is floundering and I am on a forward trajectory (having just finished graduate school and being at the beginning of a career). This was the main topic of our last conversation--how unhappy he is with his personal and professional life. I never used my career or education in a way to make him feel bad about himself and if anything I found a way to respect the fact that he leads a much more leisurely life and doesn't work a 9-5 job. This makes me think his insecurities (he's 35, has a college degree but doesn't have a steady job, and lives with a 50 year old man) were festering somewhere and hanging out with me brought them to the surface. I did have thoughts that if we were to embark on anything serious, these professional and educational mismatches would have become obstacles.

Wow, after reading the above, I'm really asking myself what the hell was I thinking!

Any thoughts? Any of you had experience with these emotionally stunted good guys or guys who couldn't deal with an accomplished woman? I could always move this to another thread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 11:49am
The other issue this experience has raised for me is how no matter how much they might insist they're not bothered by it, men have difficulties being with a woman who is more accomplished than they are.

I would turn it around.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:11pm

The whole point you make about guys who don't really know what the hell they want and/or whose lack of emotional health and maturity isn't immediately apparent is yet another reason to wait a couple months before becoming physically involved. Anyone can say what they want is a serious relationship...but when you are first getting to know someone, you have no idea if that's really true or if they are capable of that type of relationship. So you need to spend time with them, OVER time, to evaluate whether they are the type of person whose actions fit their words, and if their actions show that they are really emotionally healthy, and capable of and interested in working towards a committed relationship. Of course, it may take longer than two months to get the whole picture, but a lot of guys will eliminate themselves in that time frame.

Re the other topic, I do think that if he'd been happier in his chosen career, whatever that was, it wouldn't have really been or become an issue. It's the difference in career *satisfaction*, etc that would cause the resentment, I think.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:30pm

Yes, it's the fact that he was probably never secure in himself (despite what he believes) that was part of the unraveling.

I fully acknowledge that I am a work in progress and have never claimed to have everything figured out. That might make me seem flaky, but at least it's honest. It seems like guys (and especially guys in OLD) need to project a sense of super self-assuredness whether it really exists or not. Maybe they need to in order to attract women, but even in profiles, I find certain quirks endearing and certainly admitting that you don't have it all figured out is a good thing in my eyes.

I agree with Jennie and Sheri though. I don't care if a guy doesn't have an advanced degree or a long list of professional accomplishments. It's the drive, energy, and optimism that matter, and these are what generate my respect for a person. And it does take time to determine whether or not a guy truly possesses these qualities, versus just claiming to possess them. I admit I had placed too much stock in his words. Live and learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:45pm

I won't talk about your concern from a romantic standpoint but from a general standpoint.

Right now things are going REALLY well in my life. I have a good job where I am central in the decision making role for an entire company. I have some great friends and I have some things going on in my personal life that are absolutely spectacular. I have recently developed a major leadership skillset that is generating a lot of attention and I am well loved by a very large group of people.

Having said all that, my very best friend is floundering. She is in a very dysfunctional relationship right now, unemployed and struggling with depression. I want to call her and tell her about all the great things that are happening for me but when I mention what is going on she gets angry and defensive.

Talking to her is like walking a tightrope. We both have similar educational backgrounds but different choices and different lives. I think this situation is similar to your relationship with this man. I don't know how to fix it and make it all better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:51pm

>the confused good guy who thinks he's emotionally
>mature and ready for a relationship but ultimately
>is just as bad as the scheming player because he's
>really not capable of anything more.

I completely disagree. He isn't a good guy and never was but you ignored our warning.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcyber&msg=10463.1&ctx=128

Remember?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 2:48pm

<>

Hi,

This exact thing happened to me (although he never lied about anything...), so I don't know what to say (I wish I had read your posting months ago...). My good, confused guy, however, is so confused that even waiting for 2-3 months wouldn't have helped (he never pressed for sex, he said he was OK being friends, etc...). At month 5 of the relationship (true, the relationship became sexual after a month of daily emailing and only 3 dates...may be I should have waited), he had completely cooled off (went to NY for a week and never gave me a call -- sent me one pretty dry email from there), so I brought up the issue with him to learn that he cannot be in an exclusive/committed relationship... Did that hurt !!! (I thought we had something really good there: he was really of great support to me while I was going htrough some serious hardship. BTW I've posted on this before: here is the link, if you need it: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlshouldista&msg=11762.1 ).

So, I broke up with him.

Were there any red flags? We had a "defining the relationship" type of convo around week 3 of our dating, he said that he has never been in a LTR (I am 32,. he is 34). I told him that this is what I am looking for. He said that he is willing to try (whatever that means....) and that this is what he wants too...

What I don't get is: do we weed out everybody who has never been in a committed relationship at this age? Don't mean to generalize, but, after we hit thirty, do we have to be very (or moderately so) wary of men who have never been in a committed relationship? Are there some tell-tale signs on their profiles (the man I dated had said: "Let's become close friends and see what develops" -- which I thought was great, but may be I should have seen that as a red flag?

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