back in the saddle

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
back in the saddle
25
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 10:51pm

On another board (and starting with this one) I was chronicling the ups and downs of what turned out to be a 1-month fling with a guy I met online. Anyway, that's kaput as of yesterday (he sent me an impersonal email today saying he guesses I'm right in not wanting to meet again and wished me the best--I promptly deleted it). Initially I thought I was too beat down to continue with OLD, I thought why not just get my profile back up there and see what happens? So I go to match.com and his profile is already back up!! With the fake age too!! He's still claiming to be 30 instead of 35. Schmuck.

I blocked him from contacting me and updated my profile a bit. I reworded certain parts, like the fact that I've recently had disappointing experiences but that it's given me a clearer idea of what I'm looking for. He'll see soon enough that my profile is also back and we'll go back to being anonymous strangers to one another.

Anyway, I reactivated my match.com and eharmony accounts. It helps me to feel like I'm back to normal. Today was a good day, in fact. But a part of me knows it's probably best not to go out on dates when I'm mostly motivated by a rebound impulse. So I won't be in a rush to schedule meetings, but it helps to know that I'm putting myself back out there. I also want to continue contributing to the board, as this has been a lot of fun and really illuminating.

What a whirlwind the last month was. It seems surreal now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 3:08pm

Absolutely you weed out men that have never been in an LTR by 30. If they haven't been able to pull it off in the last 10 years then why let them experiment on you???? Unless, of course, they've lived on a submarine since age 18.

I was thinking about dating a particular guy earlier this year, until he very proudly proclaimed he had never had a successful relationship last more than 2 months. I ran like the wind. He wrote me the most vicious mean-spirited email and we hadn't even had one date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:53pm
yes, i've met the sensitive-seeming guy who thinks we wants a relationship many times. it really throws you because you think you've evolved by no longer dating players, then you wonder if your radar is good for anything. here's the problem though -- everyone sets my radar off in small ways (some in bigger ways), but you can't discount all these people because then there'd be no one to date. the answer is just to dust yourself off and get back out there again... i hate to say it b/c these experiences make us feel like we want to hide under the covers, but you'll really never know until you put in the time. you may get hurt unexpectedly -- you may get hurt and see it coming -- but either way you have to try until you find the guy who doesn't disappoint you. nurse your wounds for a few days and pretty soon you'll feel like your old self again -- ready to meet a new guy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:56pm

I knew the "see I told you so" messages would start coming in. I guess this is one of the risks we take by posting details about our personal lives on these boards. I hoped that the spirit of this board wasn't about judging one another on the decisions we make and then rubbing it in when things don't go the way one hopes. Most of the time, it has been supportive and constructive, but I'm having trouble finding a constructive element in messages like hal_9000's.

I read the posts all along, talked with friends, thought things over in my own head and took the calculated risk. There were always questions about who he really was, but I entered a physical relationship as a consenting adult, aware that things might end in this way. I gave him more credit than he deserved, but I don't regret it because there were many enjoyable moments for me and I will take away valuable lessons from it.

Ultimately, the decisions we make are our own and I take responsibility for mine in this case. I appreciate that most of you have been supportive and constructive, but the "I told you so" approach really makes it harder to be willing to disclose information and seek advice here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 6:26pm

I am not defending hal because he can do that for himself. And this is not intended as an "I told you so" either but my opinion on this is that we all come out here for advice from other people doing the same thing. Obviously we are free to do anything with that advice (including completely disregard it) that we want to. But you know what? 9 times out of 10 when I chose to disregard the advice of the people on this board, they turn out to be right. Sometimes it sucks! But it's true. I think that so many people out here are so experienced with OLD from doing it and talking about it that the advice is almost always very sound and when the majority rules, usually it's a good idea to listen.

Again, I'm not preaching or judging you for what you did but just sharing my experiences from taking and disregarding advice from out here. We've got a bunch of smart folks out here who really do want to help rather than just hear themselves talk. I'm sorry he turned out to be such a jerk, but yes, it was your own decision and now you can learn from it. Good luck with the next one!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:53pm

Yes, I get this. I was reacting to feeling like I was getting kicked while I was down. I chose my own course, with all the advice and warnings in mind. I don't think hal is trying to be smug or malicious. Not at all. This is still fresh (we ended things yesterday), and as resolved as I am to move on and not look back, I'm still hurting.

That said, yes, those of you who had kept expressing your concerns about this guy were right and I misjudged. I got hurt but I still don't regret it or look back on it as a mistake. To get autobiographical (and maybe this will help explain why I got involved with him in the first place--please be sensitive about responding to these details as I'll really open up now), I lived so much of my life being tentative and avoiding negative emotions. As I've mentioned before, this has doomed my past relationships (I'm 30 by the way). I avoided unpleasantness and bailed when it got too difficult. I threw my energies into my graduate work and then my professional life and used work, friends, and families as ways to avoid real intimacy with men I was involved with.

Anyway, I've been through some therapy to work through these trust and intimacy issues (which always go back to childhood, don't they), and really came out of it ready and willing to start taking more risks in life. By carefully avoiding situations that might be painful or negative, I was missing out on a lot too. Anyway, my friendships and family relationships have been much more fulfilling and meaningful as a result of this growth and heightened communication.

When I met this guy, I was instantly attracted to him. I was scared too because knew I could just get hurt in the end, blah, blah blah. When he expressed his interest in me, I mulled it over in my head and thought, okay I don't know him and he's already given me reasons not to trust him, but I could be wrong, and if I go into it with my guard up, then it's an acceptable risk. Everything about it was outside of my usual comfort zone, but I decided to go ahead because it would be a new experience from which I could grow and learn, and then there was the possibility (faint, I know) that it could develop into something meaningful. So what I got out of it was an intense, albeit brief, physical relationship unlike anything I'd experienced before, as well as newfound insights about myself.

A year ago, I would never have gotten involved with this guy. I would have cut off all communication after the age revelation. Nor would I have entered a physical relationship with someone after such a brief period of time. Before him, I'd never slept with someone I wasn't already in a committed relationship with. I have to say, while it was very out of character for me to have this fling, it was eye-opening, even liberating. I know this might open me to all kinds of judgments and attacks. I dealt with many hangups and inhibitions I'd previously had about sex. I told someone how I felt about him without fear or defensiveness. I also know much more clearly what I'm comfortable with as far as sex and relationships. I truly believe this will benefit the next "real" relationship I have with a man in terms of intimacy and communication.

The fact that I even started posting on this board with intimate details about my life would have been inconceivable a year ago. Many things about it are scary and I feel very vulnerable doing this, but I do it with the belief that by putting myself out there, I will, in addition to getting attacked and criticized, get advice based on wisdom and compassion. I'm glad though to have found this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:54pm

Let those who are without sin cast the first stone.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 8:16pm

It's interesting how we all have different paths in life to follow. For me, NOT getting involved with a guy I was attracted to, because I saw that there were red flags, would have been progress ;-) (I have tended to take too many risks in the past with relationships), so that's the perspective I'm coming from when I post. For you, it was going out of your comfort zone and taking a risk that was important.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:45pm

Well put Sheri, we all have our own paths and different lessons to learn.

I haven't had much action on my profile since reactiving yesterday, though I did receive one return wink. Nothing really special about the guy, but it's just a way to get the ball rolling again. I sent him an email, but for now, no expectations.

I also hadn't realized how slim the pickings were in my area until today. Because I live in what is largely a tourist/vacation/resort town, the eligible men in my age group (early to mid-30s) tend be good looking and fit, but are bumming around and working only enough to maintain their laid back, surfing lifestyles. Maybe if I were a teenager and these men were younger I'd love it, but somehow it's not so appealing once these men reach their 30s. Now that I dated one of them, I have a better sense of what I'm dealing with here. Sigh.

SBC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 2:55am

What is the point of asking for advice about a situation if we can’t view things in retrospect and see whether we were right or wrong? I wasn’t out to humiliate you. However you must consider new members who may not know the history of this situation. I mentioned how infuriating it is when women use the word “sincere” when they talk about liars who come clean after they get what they want.

It was this comment “the confused good guy who thinks he's emotionally mature and ready for a relationship” that triggered my response. I can see the ill informed have taken that at face value. I want to re-iterate that many people here did NOT consider him a good guy from the start. I want to make sure that people don't blur the fundamental distinction between good guys and bad. Good guys don’t lie to get what they want, ever.

>I knew the "see I told you so" messages would start coming in

This is because you knew the people who originally tried to help you were right and you didn't even acknowledge it. I would have been more supportive if you didn't try to hide this fact. Not a mention of it anywhere in your opening post.




Edited 12/7/2005 3:06 am ET by hal_9000
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:10am

Just curious... what good does being right do? Does it help the current situation? Does it help the poster to feel a little bit better?


I think we need to remember (and this is for all people) that just as with us, if we chose not to take advice from a friend or loved one and then were told that they were right, it would do serve no purpose except to hurt us during a time when we were already hurting.


We cannot change what we did or did not do in the past. We can only work on the current situation. There's no use in making a person go over the could have's and should have's because they can't turn back time.