back in the saddle....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
back in the saddle....
5
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 7:54pm

Hi,

I am back on this board after a long hiatus...I was in a relationship for the past 6 1/2 months (not with someone I met on-line though). I have re-tweaked my profile and posted it back on the personals...if anyone wanted to offer me some advice/feedback as I have been out of the loop so long and only had a few months of on-line dating experience before I met that last person. I find I am nervous all over again with chatting and knowing what to say when chatting on-line...I have a hard time thinking on my feet..as I am a bit on the shy side. Is it ever okay for a woman to suggest meeting or should you wait for the guy to suggest? Also, what types of first meetings are good suggestions? I am tired of the old coffee routine that I used to do all the time. After how long (i.e. days or weeks of regular chatting) does a meeting usually get suggested? Any other advice?

Here is the writeup from my profile: I appreciate any feedback...

I am an intelligent, independent, romantic, easy-going, hard working woman who'd like to find a man who will challenge my intellect and make me laugh. I love spending time going for walks, reading, listening to music and watching movies. I have 2 great daughters that I adore. I enjoy time with family and friends as well as having time to myself. Life is going well and I would like to find a partner to share it with. I'm looking for a confident, stable person with a solid vision of his future, who also enjoys the simple pleasures in life, a sunset walk on a summer evening to a spontaneous trip for a day or a weekend. Making a mental connection with my partner is very important to me. The man I want is social, intelligent, reliable, a creative thinker, adventurous, likes music and art, and open minded.

Thanks : )

mother of 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:11pm

Hello, New Brunswick! Welcome back to the board. Nothing in OLD has changed since you were away.

Did you check out the board website? Do so, it's great.

Your profile is nice, but could use some originality, frankly. I would strongly suggest that you search out the women's profiles in your area and see what they are saying, and then say something different. You have entered a competitive arena!

As for pictures, our resident expert lg says: have 3. Full body shot, a candid and a close up (I think those are the ones, check the website)

As for dates, I am SOOOO with you about the coffee thing. Luckily, I found a fantastic date restaurant in town recently!!

Sheri (Northwestwanderer) came to my town last weekend and we went to dinner (great time, Sheri!!). It was a terrific place -- staff running around like mad, food served promptly, lots of chit chat all around, incredible Indian food (in share-able serving bowls), the owner visiting all the tables. I thought that this would be a great place to take a date. Best of all, a great area to walk around and window shop.

Do you have something similar in your area? It would be good to be ready with suggestions as to venue.

Good luck, and please post often.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:09pm

While I'm sorry to hear that your rel'nship didn't work out, I'm really happy that you came back to this board.


The website for this board has some great profile writing and other online dating tips. Unfortunately, it's temporarily disabled. Hopefully it will be active again in a few days.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:37pm

>>Is it ever okay for a woman to suggest meeting or should you wait for the guy to suggest?<<

It's okay for the gal to say she wants to meet. That said, the book "He's Just Not That Into You" (which, if you haven't read, you should immediately run to the store, purchase, and read- GO NOW) would counsel that you should wait for the guy to ask.

I think for the first meeting, though, it's okay for the woman to suggest it. After that, for the next several (ie, until you're dating on a mutually exclusive basis), I think it best that the guy ask.

>>Also, what types of first meetings are good suggestions?<<

The tired old coffee routine has a lot of things going for it. It can be as short or long as you wish; it's cheap; it's in a public place. You get the anonymity of a crowd, in a way. I bet the baristas working in those shops see SO many first meetings/dates.

But it can get old, you're right. Other suggestions- drinks at a restaurant (which has the added advantage that if you like the guy, you can suggest grabbing some dinner; if you don't like him, you can say "okay, gotta get going"); meeting for a light lunch and walk outside on a nice day; attending a street fair; just about anything, really.

One thing that I use a lot is a local walking tour of a historic district as a first meeting. It's very touristy, but I'm constantly surprised at the number of people that live here that don't know the local history.

So it's interesting, it's in a public place, it's not a total sit-on-your-butt thing, we can interact a bit and talk/make jokes while we're walking along, and it gives us something to chat about once the tour part is over.

>>After how long (i.e. days or weeks of regular chatting) does a meeting usually get suggested?<<

Couple two-four emails, maybe one or two phone chats, tops.

Single biggest mistake made in OLD is probably to try and build a relationship via email/IM/phone chatting. That stuff is all fine, but doesn't really get you to KNOW someone. It gives us a false sense of a relationship, but what we're really "falling" for is not the actual person, but the idea of the person that we're building in our heads.

Way too easy to overidealize them; then we have all these expectations and stuff going on when we finally meet, and the odds are that instead of being this incredible super wonderful amazing person, they're going to be a plain old ordinary person like the rest of us. What a letdown.

No, far better to meet early and find out what's really there. Chemistry is, I believe, an essential building block in any romantic relationship.

>>Any other advice?<<

Yes, right now, hide your profile.

Then re-write it, because right now it's got almost every cliche in the book in there. I think you might have left out "I love getting dressed up in a little black dress, but I can just hang out in jeans and a T-shirt, too."

:)

Seriously... writing a profile is HARD. It sucks. But if you want the best leg up on everyone else, you don't want to SOUND like everyone else. You want to get at the essential you, not the idealized version.

(Obviously you don't have to put the terribly negative sides of the essential you in there, but something more honest than "I am easy-going and hard working" might be a bit better. EVERYONE thinks they're easy-going, and nobody is going to put "I'm a lazy sot" in their profile.)

Good luck... and keep coming back here! It's nice to have you return.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 4:45pm

Bienvenidos Again M2nb!,

I think you probably remember this board as The place to come for honest advice, empathy, and, to be honest, I Wish I could find a man with the sense of humor exhibited by those here, collectively--what a great group!

Maybe add a few more adjectives to your profile for spice; even if you do not think you are particularly 'picante', these seem to draw a lot of men to mine: sweet, playful, affectionate, wicked sense of humor...it helps to add a splash of 'verbal color' to your profile,as men are Very visual creatures! Note that I am Not intimating about anyone's sexuality,in any way, and I do not really receive commentary thereof. People are looking for a spark on top of a great stack of kindling; which you Do have laid out in your profile, it is very good. If you don't feel comfy with a lot of those, do try to use "sweet"; as it portrays that it might take you More than 60 seconds to go from standing still to Turbo Bit*h, and that does seem what men are trying to Avoid these days, per their exes. (Divorce Can bring out "The Exorcist" in us all!)

I list my sons as teens,but if yours are not, I would not list gender or age, as you have done. Also, any cool hobbies or things you like to do?

Best of luck, and as it was said here, make sure you "expect to expect nothing"; that is the one "trait" that is hard to learn if you are a loving, caring person, and it sounds as if you surely Are! But, it saves you a Lot of heartache and worry! Go, have fun, come home. I have a "first meet" outfit that works for me, I like it and feel good in it...but I think the people at the "Salt Grass Steakhouse" that has a nice casual, bar, are beginning to catch on, and they know I am OLD...uh ohhhh!

Enjoy!

Truly,
Cupcake

truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 9:45am

Thank you all for your advice and I am glad I came back to this board. Last time I was here I found everyone advice so helpful and found it to be a great community overall (plus the here guys do have such a great sense of humor; I always remembered that). I will try to edit my profile again (it is so hard to do...what I have now is better than what I had before though). Its been up for two weeks and I have received about 7 e-mails and after exchanging pictures (I don't like posting my photo...small community here that I live in and all and being a single mom) I am writing 4 of them right now. I think I will take the bull by the horns and suggest meeting one or two of them (I have been writing two of them for more than a week now on a daily basis and seem to have a lot in common...the other two are fairly new...only been writing them 2-3 days now). One guy (who sounds fantastic) is out of town (lives about 2 hours away) so I am hesitant to pursue it since if it did ever work out moving is definitely out for me - my childrens lives and my life (including my career that I love and it took me years to find the position I am in now), my family and my friends are here (his community is way smaller than mine...less than a 1/3 of the size of my city...he lives in a small town). Anyway, my friends have been questioning why I would write an out of town guy but I have decided to at least get to know him a bit via e-mail as we seem to click so well and have many, many things in common (interests, education, family values, background, etc.).

I like the drinks at a restaurant idea for a first meeting. The guys I am writing all seem to play pool too so I was thinking that might be a good idea too since I love to play too.

Thanks again to everyone for their advice/suggestions.

mother of 2