bad kisser: dealbreaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
bad kisser: dealbreaker?
11
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:21pm

OK, I have a dilemma. Has this ever happened to you? I met someone through an online dating website about a month ago. He's attractive, we have interests in common, and we have fun hanging out together. He really does seem to be a reliable, trustworthy person as well, and he has been honest and upfront with me about what he is looking for. He is looking for a monogamous relationship, like I am. I like him and enjoy his company, and I am attracted to him, but I don't feel "in love". I did think there was the potential for love, at least until recently. This past week, we kissed for the first time. It didn't do anything for me! He just doesn't kiss in a way that I like - at all! We met again later that week, and I decided to give it another try. We kissed again, but it was the same thing. I actually said to him: we have different kissing styles. I even gave him a few pointers about how to kiss "my way". He just didn't get it.

Let me just explain that right from the first SECOND, there was WAY too much TONGUE. There were other major problems with the kiss too. I'm convinced that some people have a more sensual nature than others, and those who don't may just not be capable of picking up on the nuances involved in good kissing (and bad kisser probably means bad in bed too).

I'm kinda sad to have to disappoint this guy, and I'm afraid it will come as a total surprise to him when I tell him that we can't see each other anymore because the chemistry isn't there for me. Bummer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:43pm

Two bad kissers come to mind. One turned into a boyfriend - we dated two years ago for 5 months when I broke it off. I remember, when we first kissed we had been at the beach all day (8 hours) and came back to my place, one he had a little bit of bad breath (we’d been eating, drinking all day in the hot sun, only natural) so I asked him to brush his teeth because I did want to kiss him and once we kissed it was like putting a square shape into a circle, it just didn't work, it wad bizarre. It wasn’t sloppy or messy, our mouths just didn’t mesh. Nonetheless I did like this guy and wanted it to work so we did and I showed him my style, yes more sensual but it never did quite work. I will say he was GOOD in bed though; so I don't believe that myth but the chemistry was never quite right and I believe that is mother’s nature’s way of saying this person isn't for you.

I dated another guy and the first time he kissed me I swear he was trying to give me a tonsillectomy (sp?) - yowza! I had to teach him and he got better but in the end I broke it off for other reasons - not that.

I can see bad kissing being a deal breaker because now when I meet someone who kisses like me I think "YES" because when you're dating you'll hopefully KISS a lot in public, by yourselves and it's a romantic sensuous intimate part of a relationship.

Great question.

SP

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:44pm

Oh no, he *slimed* you, LOL! That would pretty much be a dealbreaker for me, too, *especially* since you tried to give him pointers and he didn't pick up on them. I can't stand too much tongue either ;-), and have stopped dating at least one man because of this.

I'm curious though: would you really expect to feel "in love" with someone after only dating for a month??? Do you mean to say infatuated?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 1:19pm
I think the difference between "in love" and "infatuated" is only a matter of semantics. I prefer to say "in love" (or enamored of, or smitten by) because it's a more poetic way to describe a feeling. And in general, I *choose* not to be too practical about my love life. For example, I'd never want to apply a shopping metaphor to romance. I guess if someone is looking for a partner to have children with, it would make sense to be more pragmatic about love and romantic relationships. That's perfectly logical. But it's unlikely that I'll ever have children, so my perspective is different. I want to meet someone who I have an exceptional connection with. In an ideal scenario, a relationship like that might last for years or the rest of our lives, but it's also possible that it might only last for months. I wouldn't necessarily consider it a failure if it were short-lived. It's possible that you could have a brief romantic affair that, in the best sense, transforms your life.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 2:31pm

Ah, ok. Thanks for the clarification. To me, being "in love" is a much, much more serious emotion, and takes much longer to develop, than infatution or being smitten by someone. That's why I asked ;-)!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 8:10pm

Anything can be a deal breaker. Could be kissing style, or talking with a mouth full of food. If it has that strong a negative effect on you, dump him. Why prolong the agony?

I like your attitude. You never know what can transform your life, be it a long term relationship, a two month relationship, or a five minute conversation with the right person. Stay open to everything! Life is a wondrous thing. Stay positive and that's what you'll get!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 11:39pm

(Sigh) Well, maybe a few years ago I would've thought it was no big deal if I didn't have "kissing chemistry" with a guy, but you know what? I don't want to settle for anything less than fireworks. My boyfriend of TWO YEARS didn't know how to kiss, and frankly, wasn't interested in learrning. It's one of my favorite things to do, and I'm just not going to give that up. Now, I will give it a couple of chances to see if it can improve, but the reality is... if the kissing chemistry isn't there, then how can you get excited by the rest of the physical possibilities? A nice, stable, secure friendly guy is great. But if you both lack the passion from the beginning, then I would say move on. It's just too important.

Good luck! Let us know what happens with that one.

Tobi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:01am
I can't stand a guy that can't kiss. I don't know why but that's just a huge turn-off. I love kissing. I've had a few guys that I've dated that were either really awesome or really bad. Of course, the "relationship" always ended badly for other reasons. (maybe I'm too picky?) Good Luck though....It's rough out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:05am
In my experience, yes, bad kisser often does translate into bad in bed.

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:23am

I was gonna say, a

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 1:56pm
ITA!

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