Baggage as long as you travel light

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Baggage as long as you travel light
13
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:23pm

Hello....

OK, yesterday I declined meeting a man with 3 kids (two of which are grown) and an ex wife of 20+ years whom he was separated from for 3 years (divorce final any day now he said) and I thought neah, that’s too much for me at least where I’m at in my life right now.

This inspired the post – in your mind – what is too much baggage or situations where you thought, nope, just can’t go there! I don’t consider kids baggage but the fact that he had a family life (full family life, memories and a nasty divorce, well...and I do want a kid one day so why would he want more – hence I’ll take the pass card)....

Bring on your baggage stories ;-)

Cheers,
The Small Peanut AKA SP

 
 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:34pm

Not much going on right now, so I am ontop of this board! LOL! I need a life today! LOL!
First to answer.....
Too much baggage right now is not an ex-wife or the memories they might have but kids that are still at home and somewhat unruly or spoiled, older and too long at the fair, and/or the ex-wife (or *still wife* for people just separated...) that may possibly come back into the picture...still hanging around and lurking or something.... ACK!

Sara

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:10pm

I absolutely love the title of your thread here. Gave me a laugh. :)

I used to believe that any guy who was divorced was "baggage", if he had kids, add another bag, if he smoked, add a garment bag, if he wasn't "college educated", add a carry-on, if he still lived at home with his parents, add 5 trunks to the pile!

I've had to change my beliefs as to what "baggage" truly consisted of. For starters, most men over 35 have been married, most have kids and some even have some nasty ex-wives to contend with. Once I got a little more realistic about what baggage was acceptable, I found myself changing my list of what was important and what was not as far as qualities go. My long-time ex bf would never leave the family nest. Red flag/bag #1; I refuse to date a guy who has never lived on his own, Bag #2; I won't date a guy who isn't gainfully employed--they don't have to be rich, but they do have to have a steady income, Bag #3; if he has a substance abuse problem, run, don't walk away from him.

So, the ex-wife (provided she isn't dangerous to be around) is workable, his kids are workable (they don't stay kids forever), and as long as he's worldly and knowledgeable about a lot of things, chances are good you'll have things to talk about. If he takes a drink once in a while, I don't have a problem with that either as long as he's not addicted to drinking and going to the bars.

So what bags you're willing to carry depends on your perspective and what each one of us are willing to put up with. But sometimes, I think it pays to pass on someone if you see that your back will be in a mess if you take on his baggage.




Edited 11/15/2005 3:19 pm ET by mitsy2
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:55pm

I'm sure you remember my prior post of the guy I met several months ago:

financial difficulties, living in an extended stay, fighting for rights to see his child; and didn't seem in a hurry to pay a $700 fine in order to get his driver's license back (suspended for 4 years) so he can keep his job (requirement of job).

Another one: financial difficulties and had 4 children; worked as a bus driver, and divorced, but ironically the 4 kids were by his mistress!

Of course, both of these guys thought I was shallow and should learn to appreciate men and see the potential! Puhleeze!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:04pm
Hi! I have been lurking off and on and recently decided to re-enter the world of online dating after being divorced for 3 years. My first go round with online dating didn't go so well.
I would just like to make a couple of comments on the guy you passed up. I was married for 21 years and have 2 kids. I would much rather date someone who has been in a long marriage any day. Especially if the kids are grown. Some of us that were married a long time are very stable people that you can depend on. Much better than someone who has never been married or married more than once. JMHO.
Hope you don't take offense, but you may have passed on something good!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:57pm
OK, I just re-read your post about the guy's divorce not even being final. I wouldn't go out with anyone who's divorce hasn't been final for at least a year!
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:49pm
Trust me (I didn’t ad to my post) was I was going to meet him because of the face he could commit (that was my argument to my friends too or debate, LOL) out but two of my close friends who help me screen advised me NOT too because he wasn’t divorced yet (3 year process?) and more than likely I’d be a rebound. I’m also 36 and would love to have a biological kid or two and chances are since he’s 48 and has three he wouldn’t even if he said he would (just to score a date ya know?). Being he wasn’t divorced was the major deal breaker and the fact he had three kids, two of which were grown (the other in HS) was the other factor.
 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:16pm

"I wouldn't go out with someone who's divorce wasn't final at least a year"

Mine has been final less than six months. If the guy who I am dating had taken that approach he would have missed out. I have very light baggage. If you ask most people it is less than the size of a paperback novel....I have no children and dont talk to or about the ex...my problem is I dont know how to date! (but having fun figuring it out!)

I think there is no hard fast set rule for how long you should be divorced before your dateable. It is a very case by case thing. I would be more concened about being the first date for a man after a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:05pm
Nothing is ever set in stone. My Dad met and married my step-mom very shortly after my parents divorced. They did not know each other before the divorce because they met when my Dad was transferred across the country. (point being that they were not having an affair). Anyway, their marriage lasted 25 years. He passed away in 2001.
However, in most cases I think you need to figure out who you are as a single person before you start another relationship. I was married 21 years and CLUELESS when it came to dating.
Best of luck to you. You never know what the future holds.
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 8:13am
I think I am finding that I am the one with the heavy baggage. My boys are almost ready to fly, but the divorce was recent and the bills are tremendous. The house needs tons of repairs and the mortgage is high. I met the nicest gentleman on eharmony, but as soon as he came here and saw how hard I work, how much needs to be done, kids everywhere(lotsa teens coming and going)....he called a few days later to tell me it 'wasn't working' for him. So I guess I haven't run into a man who I had a real spark for who had too much baggage. For me, at age 45, I think I will be paying attention to the age of someone's children, and what kind of a father he is to them. If someone's not a generous, attentive Dad, I would probably pass right away. I look forward to hearing from others on this, as I guess my own experience is still quite limited. My marriage was 23 years long and I didn't expect to be single right now. I am sure many of you can identify...
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 8:28am

I know where you're coming from E. And that's a good point. It's a bad sign if the Dad has kids and not apart of their lives. And way behind on Child Support or "feel that they shouldn't have to pay". Sorry, but I have NO respect for men like that.

Another Big Baggage is any serious psychological disorder that is not taken care of. Not many men will go for help or treatment and I just can't deal with it.

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