Baggage as long as you travel light
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Baggage as long as you travel light
| Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:23pm |
Hello....
OK, yesterday I declined meeting a man with 3 kids (two of which are grown) and an ex wife of 20+ years whom he was separated from for 3 years (divorce final any day now he said) and I thought neah, that’s too much for me at least where I’m at in my life right now.
This inspired the post – in your mind – what is too much baggage or situations where you thought, nope, just can’t go there! I don’t consider kids baggage but the fact that he had a family life (full family life, memories and a nasty divorce, well...and I do want a kid one day so why would he want more – hence I’ll take the pass card)....
Bring on your baggage stories ;-)
Cheers,
The Small Peanut AKA SP

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Not much going on right now, so I am ontop of this board! LOL! I need a life today! LOL!
First to answer.....
Too much baggage right now is not an ex-wife or the memories they might have but kids that are still at home and somewhat unruly or spoiled, older and too long at the fair, and/or the ex-wife (or *still wife* for people just separated...) that may possibly come back into the picture...still hanging around and lurking or something.... ACK!
Sara
I absolutely love the title of your thread here. Gave me a laugh. :)
I used to believe that any guy who was divorced was "baggage", if he had kids, add another bag, if he smoked, add a garment bag, if he wasn't "college educated", add a carry-on, if he still lived at home with his parents, add 5 trunks to the pile!
I've had to change my beliefs as to what "baggage" truly consisted of. For starters, most men over 35 have been married, most have kids and some even have some nasty ex-wives to contend with. Once I got a little more realistic about what baggage was acceptable, I found myself changing my list of what was important and what was not as far as qualities go. My long-time ex bf would never leave the family nest. Red flag/bag #1; I refuse to date a guy who has never lived on his own, Bag #2; I won't date a guy who isn't gainfully employed--they don't have to be rich, but they do have to have a steady income, Bag #3; if he has a substance abuse problem, run, don't walk away from him.
So, the ex-wife (provided she isn't dangerous to be around) is workable, his kids are workable (they don't stay kids forever), and as long as he's worldly and knowledgeable about a lot of things, chances are good you'll have things to talk about. If he takes a drink once in a while, I don't have a problem with that either as long as he's not addicted to drinking and going to the bars.
So what bags you're willing to carry depends on your perspective and what each one of us are willing to put up with. But sometimes, I think it pays to pass on someone if you see that your back will be in a mess if you take on his baggage.
Edited 11/15/2005 3:19 pm ET by mitsy2
I'm sure you remember my prior post of the guy I met several months ago:
financial difficulties, living in an extended stay, fighting for rights to see his child; and didn't seem in a hurry to pay a $700 fine in order to get his driver's license back (suspended for 4 years) so he can keep his job (requirement of job).
Another one: financial difficulties and had 4 children; worked as a bus driver, and divorced, but ironically the 4 kids were by his mistress!
Of course, both of these guys thought I was shallow and should learn to appreciate men and see the potential! Puhleeze!!!!!!
I would just like to make a couple of comments on the guy you passed up. I was married for 21 years and have 2 kids. I would much rather date someone who has been in a long marriage any day. Especially if the kids are grown. Some of us that were married a long time are very stable people that you can depend on. Much better than someone who has never been married or married more than once. JMHO.
Hope you don't take offense, but you may have passed on something good!
Stephanie
Stephanie
"I wouldn't go out with someone who's divorce wasn't final at least a year"
Mine has been final less than six months. If the guy who I am dating had taken that approach he would have missed out. I have very light baggage. If you ask most people it is less than the size of a paperback novel....I have no children and dont talk to or about the ex...my problem is I dont know how to date! (but having fun figuring it out!)
I think there is no hard fast set rule for how long you should be divorced before your dateable. It is a very case by case thing. I would be more concened about being the first date for a man after a divorce.
However, in most cases I think you need to figure out who you are as a single person before you start another relationship. I was married 21 years and CLUELESS when it came to dating.
Best of luck to you. You never know what the future holds.
Stephanie
E
I know where you're coming from E. And that's a good point. It's a bad sign if the Dad has kids and not apart of their lives. And way behind on Child Support or "feel that they shouldn't have to pay". Sorry, but I have NO respect for men like that.
Another Big Baggage is any serious psychological disorder that is not taken care of. Not many men will go for help or treatment and I just can't deal with it.
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