Being dishonest

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Being dishonest
6
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:35am

Ok, First I just have to say that this really isn't a 'dating' issue but it has to do with conversing with someone online, getting to know them, and finding out that there are untruths in things they say....

I've been conversing with someone as friends for several months, we talk daily for at least 2 hours per session. I really started to feel like I was getting to know this person, I enjoyed our conversations and looked forward to talking to him. I was always open and honest in everything, never created a fake persona...I guess I was naive in thinking he was doing the same. Some things came to light in the past couple days that caused me to start questioning some of the details. It really hurts to think I've been duped in any way. I guess my questions are:

1)How would you go about getting your questions answered? I have no real concrete evidence, just that gut feeling and a couple of discrepencies in stories. How would be a good way to approach this subject without making accusations?

2)Has this ever happened to you? How long were you conversing before you figured out something was wrong and how did you handle it? Did you cut off all contact or actually try to understand why this person did this?

Sorry if this is hard to understand...I'm just kinda hurt and confused, maybe disappointed that I actually trusted this person. I know it's just the internet, but this is very depressing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:43am
We can't help you unless you tell us what he might be lying about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:49am

The things I think he is lying about is...1)his job(he either doesn't really have one or just lies about going to work. 2)'friends' that he speaks of.(I don't know if they're real or what because his stories are contradicting about how he know them)

I feel I must say that I'm not in this for a relationship, just a friendship..some of these things are petty that he would be lying about, but it's just the fact that he would lie that is confusing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 11:51am

Hi there,

I had a friend who lied about a LOT of things. His gender, his age, his job etc. For over TWO years. When he finally confessed I was extremely hurt and ended the friendship. After a while he explained why he did what he did, he was having a bit of a gender identity crisis (He pretended to be a girl when he was actually a guy). Since he was only an internet friend and the likelihood that we would meet and have a RL friendship was slim, I forgave him and let it go. I just don't put too much stock in anything he says. If it was a RL friend I never wouldve forgiven him.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 12:06pm
Thanks for your story. I think I just have grown extremely attached to this person because we seemed to get along so well. I know there are a lot of reasons that possess people to be untruthful, the only thing is I just don't know where it stops. I'd like to let it go and just have an IM buddy to talk about whatever with, I just don't know if I can look past the lying about small things. I've seen him on webcam, so I know that physically, he's who he says he is...but everything else is a mystery to me now. It stinks when you put yourself out there and think you are getting the same, and find out that everything could be made up.. I just don't know if I need to just stop talking to him or ask him why he lies about things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 1:10pm

You always take that risk when you meet people online and the net is your sole means of "being" close to that person. But..dont let that make you become jaded. I have met several people offline (friends and my bf) and they turned out to be as honest as I was. Just like irl you take your chances..

Just slowly cut back contact with him if the lies bother you that much. Even if you confront him there is no way to be sure hes being honest with you.

:(

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 1:50pm
If you want to catch him in a lie then I would concentrate on the job. Ask him copious questions about what he does for a living, where he works (address???), his activities at work, with whom he interacts and what his boss is like. Adults tend to get extremely uncomfortable when they have to provide lie upon lie upon lie. With enough questions, he might get uncomfortable and fork over the truth, although it might come in terms of a very recent layoff.