Being judged by married/coupled friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Being judged by married/coupled friends
5
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 7:34pm
Coming out of lurk mode ask a question. Do any of you all feel judged by your friends that are married or coupled because you are still single? I have recently had this experience and I was shocked to find that a friend would actually say to me that something must be "wrong with me." WTF? Do a lot of people really think this about single people? Just curious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 9:17pm
Oh yeah yogagirl,or everytime you see them " gotta date yet?" " get any"? I don't worry about coupled friends "getting any" or if they go out anywhere. They don't stop to think that if I am not dating I am atleast not sitting at home with an unattentive partner which I believe to be so much worse then being alone. Been there done that. It must somehow make people feel better to look down their royal "i am in a couple and therefore am better than you noses"
I guess you and I have better things to do than to worry about their love lives. LOL
Online dating I am new to it but we shall see.
Suzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 6:43am

Yes, I have run into this also; however, I am now single due to divorce (not sure if you have ever been married). What I run into is that a lot of married women feel that single/divorced women are a threat....as though we single gals are on the hunt 24/7 for a man, and would even take their man if we could. How stupid is that?

Ironically, several of my married girlfriends actually admitted to me once that they are very envious of my life because they wish they could have the emotional and physical freedom that I do. They would love to be able to come home from work and not have to jump right into fixing dinner and/or whatever to take care of their families.

It really cracked me up when I started attending a new church. It was amazing to see how much I was shunned my married women, and again, it was very obvious they thought I was there only to find a man, and that I might steal their husbands. Give me a break!

You know, the ones who are giving you the worse time about being single, are probably the same ones who spend a lot of time bashing men, and who are not happily married in the first place, and are envious of your freedom.

You may want to start fostering new friendships with other single gals who will have a lot more in common with you.

Best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 11:16am
I was actually divorced about 8 years ago and yes I got the same reaction from married women in the new town that I moved to! How weird! A lot of married women were less than friendly when they realized that I was divorced, but at that time I was so happy to be free that I wasn't even thinking about dating. I didn't date or even lookat a guy for nearly a year! However, the people that seem to be judging me at the moment are people that have known me for quite some time and have seen me through quite a few men that I have dated and for whatever reasons the relationships did not work out. These are also women who did not date very much before they met their husbands so they really have no idea how hard dating is. In fact, a couple of them met their existing husbands before their divorces from their first husbands were even final! Their attitudes seem to be that it did not take them dating a ton of men to find a great guy, so if it is taking me this long then there must be something wrong with me. But, I am refusing to settle for just any man! I have also run into a couple of guys that pursued me quite hard and just as I was starting to feel like they were really interested in a relationship, every one of them turned and backed off, sometimes completely out of the blue. So how is a guy changing his mind some how a fault of mine? I just don't get it. Anyway, I am glad to know that I am not alone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:56am

Hey yogagirl, remember this... it takes a long time to find a "soul mate". We are still single because we haven't met the right one yet, for one reason or another. We break a few hearts, we get our hearts broken. It's not easy dating. These so called friends should not be questionning your being single and for someone to say "there must be something wrong with you", well, ... some friend. I've had people tell me I was too picky, but never that there must be something wrong with me. Maybe we are picky. We have the right to be... most of us have been through relationships. We get to an age where we've had enough BS. We get tired of games. I'd rather be single than have to deal with another man who, deep in my heart, I know I'm not happy with and just waiting for it to end. I've been married once, but in a total of 3 relationships. I've told myself, after the last one, that I WILL NOT settle for less ever again. If it doesn't feel right, for one reason or another, I'm done. I am now following my gut-instinct, if you will.

You don't have to explain yourself. They shouldn't even be judging you. Just tell them you haven't met the right one. It's really none of their business.

My neighbor and I used to laugh for the longest time. He always noticed there were no strange vehicles in my driveway, or I didn't have a boyfriend. He is single also. I'm soon to be 43, he's about 70. The best neighbor you could ask for. That went on for the longest time. I didn't WANT to date for months after my break-up... just wanted to raise my kids and be there for them. I was actually enjoying not being stressed out from some man. Then, one day I decided I wanted to date, so I got on line and posted a few ads. I met this man, who I saw for a while. One week end, while my kids were at dad's, I let him stay over. He stayed the whole week-end. It was awesome! My neighbor got engaged, so I said to him "Hey Frank! You finally got some"! He said "Hey Dee, I see you did too, you're glowing"! ... and boy, was I!!! Then, I got dumped. lol Some things we just have to laugh about. It wasn't funny at the time, but when I picture me, 43 and my neighbor, 70 discussing "getting a piece", I have to laugh.

Just wanted to share that with ya. It's all good. Just keep an opened mind, girl! Don't worry about what anyone else thinks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 6:48pm
I think that is such a rude comment! People who say these things obviously have issues of their own. Just because it's more difficult for some of us singles to find the one and because we have to go through more trials and errors than some doesn't mean there is something wrong with us. I have had friends who have known me for years and all through this time I have been dating several guys and been in a few relationships and not one of these people has asked me what is wrong with me. I guess I"ve been blessed in that respect. I've heard things like," it's just going to take a special person for you to be with them since you have a lot going for you" etc etc but never "what is wrong with you?" I would try to come up with a witty comment back to them that will put them in their place.