beware of the online dating "nomads!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
beware of the online dating "nomads!"
10
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:01am

Ok, I just have to vent about something in regards to online dating. I'm nearly 26 and am a lifelong resident of the NYC/NJ metro area. For the past two and a half years, I've been stuck working in an office with only three other people, all of whom are 10 years older than me and married. Obviously, where I work right now (I'll be leaving soon to head to grad school, I think) is NOT really conducive to meeting potential dates or meeting potential dates through co-workers. To boot, all of my friends are pretty much in the same boat - ok, a few are already engaged/married. So, what choice do I have? Online dating...

...Don't get me wrong. I think online dating is a tremendously amazing invention (I used to ridicule it like some people still do). I've been an official "online dater" (for the most part) for several years now. It's a great thing for shy people, for those who are sick of the bar scene, for those who simply don't have the time or resources to meet people, etc. etc. Yes, you've still got the jerks who belong at bars on there, but I've gotten so good at weeding through the responses I get that it's easy to spot those guys and just ignore them. I actually met a perfectly nice guy online whom I wound up dating for about a year and a half...until he went through this quarterlife crisis-type breakdown and ended up moving away on me (and not wanting me to go with him). Which brings me to my newfound gripe about online dating...

Since things ended with the "breakdown" guy this past summer, I have returned to online dating once again. I am VERY selective about who I meet, and have only met a handful of guys. Keep in mind, the ages of this handful of guys have ranged from 28 to 33. Overall, they've been very genuine and sincere, but after several e-mails, phone chats and one or two dates, I come to find out that they've got a problem that puts a giant damper on everything. Just like ex-b/f "breakdown" guy, the two guys I've liked both ultimately admitted that they needed to move away for their career to take off or because they're not fond of the area. I’ve believed them (and I don’t easily believe people) because I know they are genuine and honest – if they didn’t like me, they’d flat-out tell me and wouldn’t come up with some ridiculous excuse like “sorry, need to move.” Instead, they’d maybe fall off the face of the earth! The other few have seemed really depressed - like they're still hung up on some old flame, but TOO hung up to show much interest in me (which is OK, because I wasn’t all too intrigued by them anyway). I understand that if you really truly love someone and things don't work out with that person, you still think about them in the back of your head. This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" here - you can't just go around erasing people who've hurt you or made you feel upset. And hence, that's not really my main issue here...

...My main issue is that lately, I seem to have this incredible knack for being interested in these guys who ultimately want to get the heck out of NYC and the surrounding area. WHY ARE THEY BOTHERING WITH ONLINE DATING IF THEY'RE NOT PLANNING ON STICKING AROUND FOR LONG??? To be perfectly honest with you, I’ve strongly considered moving somewhere else, too. So I CAN relate to them. I understand whatever frustrations they’ve got in that sense. It seems to pretty much go two ways where I’m from: 1) people who grow up here don’t love it, and a big part of them wants to leave. Or 2) people come here from somewhere else, the thrill quickly wears off, then they want to go back or try yet another new place – those are the people who are more likely to leave. Now, since I’m not entirely certain about leaving here myself, I WOULD still like to date – I can’t put my life on hold. And I would like to date someone who doesn’t have this “I’ve got to get out of here” attitude deep down inside. I simply don’t have the time or the patience to deal with this nonsense! I suppose the advice I’m looking for is this – how can I STRESS in my profile (assuming those genuine, sincere guys actually read it) that I am NOT interested in anyone who has some secret desire to pick up and leave? How can I make this known in a NICE way? I don’t have to worry about liking someone and then a month or two later have them suddenly say to me, “sorry, but I gotta go.” If anyone has any advice about this, it would be MOST appreciated! Thank you!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:17am
Initially I might be tempted to advise
you to profess your love for NYC in
your profile but what happens if you
find a guy who's feet are firmly planted
in NY and then you decide to move?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:23am

Hi Modefan,

It sounds like you are going through a lot of the same problems many of us are; I think there are a lot of people, of both sexes, who are out there on OLD, saying they "Want" to date, when they are Truly NOT ready for it at all! They seem to be 'testing the waters' and looking for someone/something that will "make" them happy. The truth is, NO one can make you happy,til you are happy with Yourself. Hallmark? yes, but ,also the gospel truth!

As for the "grass is greener" you are running into--those who want to relocate. They too, will not 'find" what they want, until they know where they are headed.=, and I do not mean in the sense of which highway they take out of town! People expect life to just fallin into their laps. I know, at 48, that is does Not happen that way! Yes, you might have to move at some time in your life, but try to find out WHY you want to move, first! If I were you, I would put that I "would like to remain in this area, and do not have a desire to leave New York". Bam, the Truth! It is like a profile that says a man just wants to find "fun"; heyyyyy, I know what That means, so I move on. NO worries in being honest!

As for those with emotional troubles or exes still in the picture, that knows no age. I have run into men who cannot "walk out of their history" and make a good life with a good woman (women do this too!), as they are SO hung up on the anger, hurt, and resentment of the past. It is Called the "past", as it has "passed"! Hang on for grad school,it may bring you more focused males as prospects--and meanwhile,you will be becoming a better You! Cool that!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 11:41am

Couldn't you just state in your profile that you want to date someone that wants to remain in the area and to develop a relationship?

I know some profiles hint or state that they are only interested in having fun or living for the moment - does your profile hint at that at all, to where it could be interpreted as to that you are looking for short term involvement? I mentioned this because sometimes our profiles give off different images than what we meant when we wrote them. Maybe you might want to re-read yours as if from a stranger's viewpoint just in case.

I've run across so many guys that are in OLD just to line up a sex partner for the night and want nothing else, well not me! I had to change my profile before, as I realized that I had some things in there that hinted at short term no strings relationships and was hit on by this type of guy a lot. But then I think at that point in my life I didn't want LTR involvement.

So I think as we change, we need to change and update our profiles - it makes them fresh anyway.

I wish you much luck with your OLD.

Sunshine

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:22pm

First I want to comment on cupcake's comment:

"I think there are a lot of people, of both sexes, who are out there on OLD, saying they "Want" to date, when they are Truly NOT ready for it at all! They seem to be 'testing the waters' and looking for someone/something that will "make" them happy."

Well this is true to the extent that these people are not looking for a *relationship*, they are there to date and that's that. Big difference.

So if what you're looking for is to start a relationship with some potential future together, maybe you need to be more specific about that. It WILL reduce your chances of finding a "date" but will weed out the people who aren't on the same wavelength.

I live in Michigan and I am NOT planning on staying indefinitely - I'm planning to move to a warmer climate as soon as I'm ready (finsh school, get some $ saved, etc). That'll probably be in a couple/few years. So I make a point of not getting involved with people who do love this area & plan on staying here. If skiing or snowmobiling are among your favorite pastimes, I know it's just not gonna work! If I'm going to consider getting involved with someone they have to be at *least* open to the possibility of coming with me cause I know I'm not staying!

But some people don't realize they'll want to leave until later - they're just living where they are and making decisions as they go along. Can you really fault someone in that situation?

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years" is a good question to ask early on, as a general getting-to-know-you kind of thing... and also to get a sense of whether someone is heading in the same general direction you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:31pm

Hi PHX,

I agree with you often, and I surely do in this case.

Where do you want to move to? We have great housing values here in Texas! Come on down! :)

Truly,
Cupcake

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 12:42pm
Close... northern AZ or NM. But I'll visit. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 1:47pm

I made the mistake of staying involved with someone who I knew right off the bat wanted to move back to Florida, where he was from.

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Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 2:15pm

My weather is in the 20's & snowy today. Blecch. Flagstaff is in the 40's... cold enough to be winter but not cold enough to be painful LOL!! That's the kind of area that would be ideal for me. I'd like my winter to be maybe Dec-Feb... not Oct-April! Florida's just ridiculous to me but there are lots of people who love it. To each their own!!

But I do think location preference is important if you're looking for a serious life partner. City/country/suburb, north/south, east/west, mountains/grassland, red state/blue state... ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 2:37pm

Thank you for all of the wonderful responses...

Cupcake – Your response rocked! Seems like you and I share that “no time for nonsense” attitude. Yes, yes, you are SO right. The only person who can make you happy is YOU. But is anyone ever TRULY happy? You might be happy about one thing and not happy with another, and you have to be really, really careful to keep that unhappiness from wrecking your happiness. I think if you’ve got enough common sense and you live in reality and not in some dreamland, then you probably have the ability to adequately separate the good and the bad. Not sure if this makes much sense…I suppose the best example was that my ex-b/f DEFINITELY let his unhappiness with working and NYC negatively affect and ultimately override how he felt about me – at one time, he was pretty happy, I think. We both were. He moved away thinking that it would cure his “depression.” Moving away is NOT the answer! It might temporarily “solve” the thing that’s making you unhappy, but it’s certainly no permanent solution. It’s more about your outlook and how you deal with things that must change, and only you can make that happen! As for your profile advice, yes, I suppose I should just be totally honest and hope that some nice, genuine guy is going to take me seriously! I guess the best kind of guy at this moment in time is someone who is “set” around NYC, but certainly open to exploring something else down the road…

Sunshine – I don’t think my profile would appeal to a guy who’s out for fun and ONLY fun…that is, if the guy has half a brain and actually understands my profile! It’s one thing to read, another to understand. Perhaps I tend to have a mildly convoluted way of explaining myself most of the time (let’s face it – it’s not an easy task trying to sum up what you want in such a short amount of space, especially when you’re a writer at heart). I’d like to think that I explain myself the best I know how, the clearest I possibly can so that the average person comprehends. Like I said, I’m really good at weeding out those “fun” guys right off the bat. I’m simply not interested in anyone who’s not into the idea of dating with the hope of doing so leading to something long-term.

Phoenix – I think I hit on a lot of your points in my previous responses. Great to see you’ve got a plan. Stick to it, and don’t let ANYONE convince you otherwise. If you meet this amazingly awesome guy in the next few years, tell him about your plan. If he can’t take it, he can hit the road! And if he’s REALLY into you, then guess what? Perhaps he just might be willing to work with you on your plan! Nope, I absolutely cannot fault anyone for not really knowing what they want. Does anyone ever REALLY know? Sure, people have things in mind. But I think those ideas of what people want, what’s going to bring general happiness, is constantly evolving as time goes by…

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 1:45am

Hey, neighbor, don't we have a lot in common... Hey, we should go out for drinks and meet real guys--but wait--in these places around here??? LOL I'm in the same boat. I went out this guy I met online last year, and had a great time, but then he went through some "crisis" and straight up disappeared. I don't know what happened--he could have been sucked into a black pit, I wouldn't know. The problem with dating someone in this area, is that everyone our age and in the New York area are so insecure. Other places, having a job is enough, live is good. Here, you have to live that life, and that life is sooo expensive. Plus everyone's all into status. I can't stand it, since I've lived elsewhere and came back here for work.

I just think those missing in action guys do us a favor. It really does stink that they flake out, like they seem to do, but it's better that they freak out earlier on and not later. I really think online dating only works when both people are sane--and most people are crazy. But, it's so fun. I use it to fill in those moments when I have dry spells. Dating older guys, works for me, too, but you know what, around here they're such workaholics, that you never see them. If they are attractive and successful, rarely do they really want to settle down. New York guys suck. I would like to settle down soon and I know it's not going to be here. That's why I've started talking to my California guy. The craziest thing is that I talk more with him, than I do with guys that are so close by that are always at work or sleeping because of working too hard.

I guess I'm venting, but I hope that you get some comfort in knowing--IT'S NOT YOU!!! There are so many single people here, because we're all so busy trying to work 40 hours and go to school to get that edge--I do that!!! It's a shame that living in this area has to be so hard, because there is so many fun things to do if youre a couple...Anyway, take care. We'll find a normal guy, even if we have to import one or move.