Big dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Big dilemma
5
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:14am

I met this guy on a site about a month ago, and we absolutely hit it off. We started talking every night, for hours on end, even staying up until 5:30 am on more than one occasion. We obviously like each other very much, and want to meet up to make a relationship real. We even have a date planned, although we don't have a day yet.

Here's the problem. Right as things were beginning to take a great turn, he found out that his mom is dying of breast cancer. So obviously his top priority is being with her and dealing with this. He also told me that he would love to be with me, but he doesn't feel like he has anything to give me. This was after we definitely expressed interest in being with each other. I understand he is probably pushing me away because he doesn't feel he can emotionally handle a relationship right now, and I respect that.

However, I feel so strongly about him, even just as a friend, that I want to be there for him while he deals with this. I care about him so much. The thing that's stopping me from just going over to help him is that we haven't met yet. If we had, I'd be over in a second. But I'm feeling really conflicted because I don't want to freak him out and I don't think he'd want me to see him the way he is now, even though none of that matters to me. I already know he's someone I want to be with, and I don't care if he doesn't look "perfect" the first time I meet him.

I know this is confusing, but what should I do? This is such a predicament. I don't want to lose him, but I want to give him time to deal with his emotions while letting him know I'm there for him...

HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 10:24am

I think you should just tell him what you've said here

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 5:27pm

You are such a woman and he is such a man! In a time of crisis: a man will withdraw, and a woman will want to provide comfort.

When you say dying, do you mean this week? Month? year?

IMHO respect what he said and leave him alone. At most, send him a sympathy card.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 6:54pm

I'm not sure. I just know that she was in the hospital for a week getting aggressive chemo, and that I guess it was just spreading too fast and that they can't do anything about it, so she's going home, and "that's it" as he told me. I don't really know anything about cancer, so I don't know how long this means...

And yes, he is absolutely such a man. He's like, putting up a strong front even though I know he must be hurting. Like this afternoon, we exchanged emails while he was at work, and he seemed okay. He wasn't his usual self, but he was more talkative than before. I don't know, I guess I could keep up this kind of friendship for awhile, be there for him in any capacity that he wants, and then see what happens. My problem is that I'm incredibly impatient. I absolutely hate waiting, especially when I'm really excited about something. But, I guess I just have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 8:24pm
And did you set a date for the wedding?
This is way too much too soon. You havent met yet you know you want to be with him! it is not only looks that matter sometimes the person's gestures, his way of talking, walking, standing, looking at you... are all part of what makes you attracted to him. Most of the online conversations are dressed (by us) in the way we want them to feel/look. I dont agree that you know him very well. You dont know anything about his presence. The feelings you get when you are around him.... Let him take a break from dating and be with his mom right now. I m sure nothing else matters to him now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 12:13am
I agree. The man isn't ready mentally to be dating. His mother is dying. My father spent 6 yrs fighting cancer and the last 6 months were pretty bad. The last thing on my mind was 'impressing' someone and looking for a date. Give him his space. His main concern now is his mother. If she dies, he's going to need some time to mourn also and that may or may not be something you want to deal with at this time. When he's ready he'll look for you.